Another IM conversation with my brother, or People are Gross

Me My Brother

OMG

what

two gross bathroom things
today

what

first
I'm in the bathroom and some guy is taking a dump
and I hear him unwrap something and start eating
while he's crapping!

lol

and he's not even trying to hide it!
he's like going umm umm umm umm while chewing

ha, ha
could you tell what he was eating

honestly I would guess a sandwich or something like that

so what's the second thing

so. . .I just went in the bathroom to go pee
and the cleaning lady opens the door and says hello!

while your in the bathroom?

I say yeah someone is in here

like it's not big thing

but she still comes in anyways!

ha, ha
was she embarrassed that you were in there

so I hurry up and ask why did you even ask if anyone was in here
she doesn't say a thing
and I walked out
thats the third time that has happened

that she's walked in on you

a cleaning lady yeah
so I'm calling the management company to complain
I've had enough

yeah, what if it were a man walking into the lady's room, people wouldn't put up with that
Although I wouldn't call that second thing gross as much as I would call in stupid

yeah

My husband thinks I'm an unwarranted bitch.

My feelings are a little hurt because my husband thinks I'm a bitch when it's not necessarily warranted. I take my bitching duties very seriously and wouldn't be a bitch to someone who didn't deserve it. Anyway, I was telling him how a couple of people associated with the play were pissing me off and so I responded in kind. He told he thinks I relish the bitch role too much sometimes and maybe I'm the one at fault. OK, I have no problem fixing a problem if I'm the source, and if people told me to fix a problem in an appropriately respectful way, there's no problem. But when people try to be snotty about it and lord some kind of imaginary authority over me, that's when I flip the bitch switch. I guess I'm hurt that after 12 years of marriage, he actually thought it was anything but that.

Ugh.

I just ate too many Cadbury mini easter eggs. The milk chocolate eggs with a crunchy candy coating. They're so good and now my stomach hurts. That wasn't good decision making on my part. So, we've started learning the dances for the musical and I was getting a little pissed with one of the choreographers last night because he kept making us do this thing over and over without a break and telling us to always be aware of formation. I was like, man, you just taught us this stupid thing. Why don't you let actually learn it before we start worrying about formation? It would be nice if we actually got what we were doing down before we start fine tuning, which only makes sense to me, but I'm not a choreographer, so what do I know? I'm enjoying myself, but I find it frustrating to be criticized by choreographers and musicals directors who don't even have the shit completely together for themselves.

Am I twisted?

Is it cruel that I want to buy this so I can watch squirrels get tossed around like so many sacks of feed? They sell something like this at a local farmer's market and I totally want to buy it so I can hang from the tree that's in the back of my house so I can watch the squirrels get messed up while I'm doing dishes. I laugh every time I see it.

Random IM conversation between me and my brother

Him: Man am I hungry
we don't have anything to eat!

Me: go eat lunch then
are you at home

Him: our cupboards are bare

Me: eat some cereal

Him: no thanks

Me: what's wrong with cereal

Him: I had cereal already today

Me: so
that's the beauty of cereal, you can have it more than once

you can't eat the same thing twice today

yes you can

no you can't

yes you can
I often eat cereal for breakfast and dinner

then you aren't get bio divergent nutrients

Well, I eat high quality cereal

then you are nutritionally deficient

no I'm not

yes you are

no I'm not

yup!

no

if you eat the same thing twice a day you are

no I'm not
I eat different cereals

from breakfast and dinner
or from day to day?

both

what about the beta ceretine or protein.
or iron

I get that from lunch
I try to eat veggie loaded lunches

still not good enough

yes it is

need to eat different stuff
for sure

I do eat different stuff, it's not like I eat cereal for breakfast and dinner all the time

now you change the answer!
LOL

No I didn't
I said I often have it for breakfast and dinner, not I always have it for breakfast and dinner.

then you are often nutritionally deficient but not all days

I am always perfectly balanced, just like one of the dog whisperer's dogs

Why, why, why?

My brother and sister-in-law are leaving today for an 8-day vacation in Europe. I'm really, really happy for them. Actually, I'm green with envy, but the boy says he will bring back chocolate, so I guess I'll wish them a good time. Might have a ghost hunt lined up. Apparently, there are a couple of spirits in the theatre where we're performing Zombies, so you know I am all over that bitch. Maybe I'll actually see something this time.

This stinks.

OK, I'm home by myself right now, except for the dog, and there's absolutely nothing on television that I'd like to watch. Do you know how often I get the opportunity to watch whatever I want? Not often. And I can't even enjoy it this time. I don't have rehearsal tonight, so it's a nice little break. I should actually work on my lines, as I haven't really done that yet. My dog has an ear infection. As you can tell, I've got a lot of exciting stuff going on in my life right now. Here's a picture of my dog. Isn't she cute?



Now she's walking around sniffing this bench where we keep her freeze dried cow lung, which is like doggie crack or something because she can't get enough of it. I only let her have a little every day, though, because too much of a good thing usually kills you.

So Britney Spears, mmm,mmm, mmm. Is that girl a hot mess or what? I feel bad for her kids. Someone needs to give her a good slap to the face and tell her to get the fuck over herself already and realize she's got kids to raise and that she's got a lot less problems than most people. I don't know if I can live in a world where K-Fed comes out looking like the better parent. It's just not something that my mind can comprehend and trying to is pushing the grey matter to critical mass. That's all I've got to say about that.

That was a very good movie

I just finished watching Stranger than Fiction with Will Ferrel and Emma Thompson and it was a really good movie. Not that I wasn't expecting it not to be because, hey, I did order it from Netflix and it's not like I wanted it to suck or anything, but I didn't expect to enjoy it as much as I did. So if you haven't already, go watch it. That is a command.

Happy days are here again

Short and sweet, we have a new iMac and we have new high speed internet access. The world is my oyster. Play practice is going well, and that's about all I have time to say.

Shoot me now.

Have I mentioned before how much I hate Indiana and snow? I think I have. We might have a blizzard later today. I'm really excited. Until the blizzard hits, we're happily occupied with the subzero temperatures and endless lake effect snow. I may or may not have rehearsal depending on the weather later in the day.

My daughter had some kids over on Sunday to go sledding and one of the boys she invited couldn't come because he's a bit sick, so his mother asked if my daughter could come over to their house this Friday for a playdate to makeup for her son not being able to make the sledding day. I told her that would have been great but that my husband was planning on taking our daughter on a zoo tour of several cities while they had the long weekend. So that was that. When I got off the phone I told my daughter how her friend's mother had wanted her to come over but a playdate but that she couldn't. So then my daughter says, "But I really don't want to go on the zoo tour because with the weather it's probably not going to be any fun." I told her that was something she had to discuss with her father. So she goes to my husband and says, "Dad, I really don't think it's a good idea to go on the zoo tour this weekend because the weather is bad and everything. You don't mind, do you?"

My husband, I could tell, was little disappointed with this and said they didn't have to go, but he thought it was something that she would really enjoy. She went into logic mode and said that she would if the weather were better and that they'll only be able to see inside exhibits. She then took him by the hand and asked him to join her in a private conversation. When they came back, she asked me to call her friend's mother and see if she could still go on the playdate. My husband sat down and said, "I've just been stood up for a nine-year-old." So it begins.

So cold, so very cold.

K, so it's been colder than a Yeti's testicles here in at the crossroads of America. My daughter's school was closed down Monday and Tuesday because the temperatures were so low. We were experiencing windchills of about -25 degrees. According to doctors, exposed skin can freeze solid in about 15 minutes at those temperatures. So pretty much everyone cancelled school. It was fine for the kids, but that meant I had to take her to work with me, which is fine for the most part, but I usually end up being somewhat distracted by her. Luckily, she likes hanging out under my desk because she thinks it like a cave or something and I can almost forget she's there at times. She'll periodically stick her head out, like when I feed her or something like that. What I find interesting is that while all the secondary schools closed down, the university stayed open. Obviously, they didn't care about the health and welfare of the kids who have to walk all over campus to get to class. So a co-ed loses a nose, it could be worse. Anyway, it's starting to warm up a little, and by a little we're currently at 13 degrees, which is practically subtropical compared to what we have been living with over the last few days.

And while we're talking about crazy, what the hell is the deal with that astronaut lady? Who puts on Depends so they don't have to stop at the bathroom. I think that's the craziest part of the entire story. But you know, astronauts are trained to just pee in their suits, I think because it can be awhile before you can detach yourself from your seat to go use the toilet like during take-off and stuff. I personally think it would be hard to make myself pee while I was sitting in the car just because we're so conditioned to not pee anywhere but the toilet. That's unless you're a guy, of course. Then it's probably not hard at all.

Bow down before my magnificence!

So, I have gotten "official word" and I'll be playing the part of Charlene in the South Bend Civic Theatre production of Zombies from the Beyond. I'm pretty stoked. I haven't done a play in 20 years and I can't wait. I think it's going to be awesome fun.

I have a secret.

I just found out something that is making me very excited, but I can't say anything about it because I'm not supposed to know. I'll fill you in as soon as I get official word, because until I get official word, I don't know for sure that I have something to be excited about, if you know what I mean. So, I'll keep you posted. Keep your fingers crossed.

P.S. Damn, is it February already?

Curtain time.

OK, OK, I can take a hint. But if this post isn't wildly exciting, you can't blame me. As my brother mentioned, I'm auditioning for a musical tonight called "Zombies from the Beyond" at our local civic theatre. I haven't been in a play since high school, so this should be an interesting experience. I've been preparing by practising the dance number from the Thriller video and I think I'm a sure thing. Another thing I've been working on is spontaneously forcing my left eyeball to pop out of its socket so that it's hanging out by the optic nerve. It's a pretty cool effect and I figure there aren't going to be too many people who can pull that one off. I'm in like flint, as they like to say.

The thing that has been keeping me from posting lately is my daughter's new iPod. My parents got her a 30 GB video iPod for Christmas and I've been obsessed with seeing how much stuff I can get on that thing. I can't stop. I feel like I have to put something new on it everyday. My brother thinks I have a problem, but, seriously, so far I've put like six movies, a dozen schoolhouse rocks videos, over 200 songs, about ten audiobooks, and God knows what else, and there's still something like 23 GB of memory on this thing. It's amazing. I feel like I will never be able to fill it up. At first I thought it was a bit of overkill because my daughter's only nine and that it was just too much technology for someone that young, but she loves it. She spends more time on the iPod then she used to spend with her DS, so that must mean something.

When will my sister learn!

Her Blog is for my pleasure! and to provide me with reading enjoyment she must post interesting witty and generally stimulating posts to this blog EVERY day! and they can't all be about my dog's bug squeezings because those are old hat for me now. Did all you people know about try outs for the play? I think thats interesting! I'd like to know her method! how she'll "Become" a zombie etc. Or hand feeding the dog thats an interesting topic. Come on now throw us a bone would ya!

Podcast #19

Shits and giggles abound as we discuss matching boxer shorts, among other things.


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It's Mookie's birthday

Today is my dog Mookie's first birthday. She had a party at doggy daycare yesterday and, by all accounts, the dogs had a marvelous time. Mookie chowed down on her birthday cake with great enthusiasum, I am told. Anyway, yay for Mookie. OK, I have this thumb nail which is my picking nail and I've managed to pick it halfway down. I've never gotten that far down to the quick with a nail and it's pretty gross looking, but I can make myself stop picking it because I kind of switched to picking from biting my nails. Obviously, something had to be done, though, so I put a fake acrylic nail on it. It looks pretty out of place with the rest of the fingers on my hand because I didn't do anything with the other nails. But, seriously, I had to do something because I was heading into dangerous territory with the nail destruction. I got it down so far that I started to have a morbid curiousity about how far down I could get it. Would it be possible for me to actually pick the entire thing off? I figure once you start wondering shit like that, having a mutant looking fake nail on my thumb isn't so bad.

Don't try this at home.

Most of the time, I'm brilliant. But I must admit that even I sometimes have a bad idea. To wit, I made myself a cup of Land O Lakes luxury hot chocolate, which has pieces of real chocolate in it. This is a fine thing, but I usually end up with all the pieces kind of semi-melted at the bottom of my cup. So today I looked down at those mushy bits and thought, "Hey, why don't I pour some hot water in here and see if I can get it to dissolve all the way?" This little experiment might have actually worked if I bothered to put hot water in the mug, but since I'm lazy and don't judge the passing of time well, I poured some water from the hot pot I'd used to make my hot chocolate in the first place, only to find out when I tried to taste my new chocolatey treat that the water wasn't hot anymore and that the final product was cold and very thin in taste. Which means it was gross. Also, it didn't really melt the chocolate pieces at all. Guess I'll have to just stick to sliding the chocolate into my mouth with a swizzle stick.

Damn

I cannot get back into the swing of things. My husband is home dry-heaving right now. My brother witnessed an actual dog butt-milking. My daughter has only been back to school one day and she is already complaining that one of her friends is trying to steal another one of her friends. It seems that everyone else has had no problem getting back to business as usual. I've been sitting here wondering why I keep smelling this sweet, fruity scent and then I finally realized it's my deodorant. Actually, it's my daughter's deodorant. I couldn't find mine this morning so I used hers and it smells like strawberries. Now that that mystery is solved, I can feel like I really accomplished something today. I am experiencing some post-nasal drip at this very second. Hold on, I've got to go get some tissue. OK, I'm back. I was gone longer than expected because I decided to use the restroom while I was there.

I only just realized.

I was in the process of switching over to this "new" Blogger and found a bunch of comments people had left that were waiting to be moderated, whatever the hell that means. I'm sorry for those of you who left comments and never heard anything back about them. I didn't know. I didn't know. Anyway, thanks for all of you who did leave comments and hopefully, I'll be more aware in the future.

It's the girls' turn.

Not as funny as the original, but everyone gets equal time here.

I'm stupid and fat, but Merry Christmas

I made the big mistake of not only stepping on a scale last night, but also actually looking at it. Now I'm completely grossed out with myself. Well, all I can do is get back on track with exercise and diet. I know part of the reason for the weight gain is that I haven't been able to exercise at my normal level because of the knee injury, but I've also been eating a lot of junk lately. Anyway, things are getting back to normal because I'm pretty much disgusted at this moment. On a happier note, this is my last day at work until after New Year's, so here's to wishing all of you the best of the holiday season.

Hate me if you want to

OK, it's completely crude and vulgar, but it's also hilarious. I mean, really hilarious. So, watch it now.

So you think you are cool

My sister thinks she is super cool and sneeky. In reality she isn't she posted something to my blog wondering how long it would take for me to find it. I find it immediately! I have ways of knowing what you are doing! I can shoot bullets with my mind! that called telekenisis! I'm everywhere yet no where! On another note taking the dog to get her butt milked again today so that will be fun. I'll be sure to bring some tupperware to put the juice in for my sister so she can examine it with her daughter's microscope or something.

Hiya! rock and roll a one time!

Christmas so far

I'm really behind in a lot of things. I've only just sent my sister's presents out and I got my cards in the mail yesterday. I used to be so organized. I'd have the cards addressed and ready to go by Dec. 1. Every year, I'm a little less prepared than the year before. What's that about. I'm still working on the paint job in my daughter's room that I started Thanksgiving weekend. I just cannot get my shit together very well. We tried to get a new water heater, but when the guy came yesterday to install the one we'd gotten from Lowe's, he found out it was too tall for the venting system and that, in fact, the way our venting pipe was angled downward poses a carbon monoxide poisoning hazard. We've had the current water heater for about five years, so I was mad that the people who installed that one never bothered to mention the venting problem. Jackasses obviously didn't care if my family never woke up. Anyway, our basement is pretty drafty and it has been five years and we haven't had a problem, but now we have to order a different heater and that meant cancelling the order from Lowe's because they didn't have what we needed or wanted. I originally ordered a fifty-gallon heater with a self-cleaning feature and Lowe's didn't have one that was short enough to put the vent pipe at a safer angle, but the guy tried to sell me a forty-gallon without a self-cleaning feature, which is basically what we have right now. I asked him why I would spend money on something that's not at all what I want. Anyway, that's just one little snipet of Christmas so far.

Good Stuff

I got this e-mail from my dad. It's supposedly written by Ben Stein. I don't know if it is or isn't, but I think it's worth reading, regardless.

Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my beating heart:

I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is, either, and I do not care at all about Tom Cruise's wife.

Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are. Is this what it means to be no longer young. It's not so bad.

Next confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

What a tangled web we weave...

While my daughter and I were brushing our teeth this morning, she asked me, "Mom, you want to play with my DS today, right?"

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe, why?" (I've never played with my daughter's Nintendo DS until very recently because she received a game that has solitaire on it and I've been playing that.)

"Well, if I can't play with my DS, that's means you can't play with my DS, and you want to play with my DS, right?" she asked again.

"I don't know." I replied. I was a little confused about this line of conversation because I had no idea where it was going.

"Just remember," she said, "if dad asks if I wore my retainer last night, tell him I did."

What is he doing?

White Christmas

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Um, while I'm happy that Billy Idol is at least doing something, (and not sounding too bad, I might say) I'm not sure if this was such a brilliant idea. Billy Idol and Christmas standards just don't go together. It's like that Sesame Street clip: which thing is not like the others. The Christmas box would be the thing that doesn't belong because you'd have the Billy Idol box, the Stoly box, and the motorcycle box. Those are the three things that go together. I'm also not feeling the whole Frank Sinatra/ Harry Connick, Jr. vibe he's trying to cop. Listen to me Billy, there is nothing sadder to me than watching you trying to hide your sneer while you sing White Christmas. STOP IT, I say. Stop it, now!

Have a happy turkey day

Out of the mouths of babes.

When I picked up my daughter from school yesterday, she told me that they were cancelling school on Wednesday (which was originally scheduled as a half day) because 15% of the student body was absent that day and the administration figured it was best to just give the kids an early holiday since there would most likely be lots of students out for the rest of the week.

"Why were so many kids out?" I asked. On Friday, the school sent home a letter saying a child had been diagnosed with and was being treated for pinworms. The letter described the symptoms so we could all be aware if our own children seemed to be suffering from a similar problem, but I knew this could not explain for 15% of the kids being out.

"Well, now we have head lice," my daughter explained. "I have another letter today."

"Great," I responded.

My daughter went on to explain that a lot of kids also were sick from viruses. "So those are your three choices, Mom," she said. "Either your head itches, or your butt itches or you're throwing up. Isn't that wonderful?"

Have you milked your dogs anus lately

So. . .Have you ever seen your dog dragging its butt across your carpet? More likely then not this activity is not due to worms as many uninformed dog owners have always touted. It is actually due to the largely unknown Anal gland. The anal gland also known as the anal sack is located right below the dog's butthole generally at the 6 and 7 o'clock positions. The Anal sacks are an organ much like the appendix of a human. It truly doesn't serve much of a purpose. In ions gone by the secretion that comes from the anal sack was used a sort of calling card for the dog. When they took a crap the hard poop would push against the anal sack and makes the butt juice squirt out. Back when they were hunting deer etc. Dogs diets were primarily meat so that made them have really hard poops. Now that they eat dog chow their poops many times are a bit softer. So. . .when they take a crap the poop doesn't squish the glands as much and they can get full. If left for two long the sacks can cause discomfort for the dog. Hence the scooting etc. This is where the butt milking comes into play. In order to alleviate the discomfort to your dog along with preventing possible infection the dogs butt must be milked. Now we take our dog to the vet to have her butt milked. I do this because the idea of pinching my dogs butt hole between my thumb and index finger just doesn't seem that fun. Lets not forget to mention the outcome! From all reports I've received the smell of butt juice is like smelling a fart from ole Beelzebub himself. This is something I don't wish to encounter. In addition to that I don't think I'd want to be squirted with this stuff either. I'd probably spend the next 5 years or so gagging and dry heaving non stop if some of that stuff hit me. This being said there are many people that don't want to spend the 20 dollars or so it would take to have someone do this task for them. imagine trying to get your dog to sit still while you lifted its tail and began to squeeze just below its butt hole like a pimple. Granted, the relief afterwards is probably nice I'd imagine the dog would feel pretty violated by their buddy. I want my dog to have nothing but admiration and adoration for me. My sister on the other hand is fascinated with butt milking. I think if she got the chance she would opt to milk her own dog's butt. Not because she is cheap mind you but because she is very curious about butt juice. She wants to see it, smell it and maybe even rub it between her fingers to ascertain its viscosity. There are no pictures on the internet of this fluid but its described as clear to brown and liquidy to oily. So if this post facinates you. Go to the pound find yourself a dog adopt it, take it home, and get to butt milking.

Good times, Good times

Next week. farming wolverine musk.

Click here to see a demonstration on anus milking.

I'm back, for today anyway.

So my brother is on my case because I haven't posted in a really, really long time. But what can I say? I've been wicked busy lately. Take today for instance. As soon as I get off work, I have to rush home and pack while my husband takes our daughter to her guitar lesson because we will be heading to Frankenmuth (aka Little Bavaria), MI this weekend. No rest for the weary, as they say. Now let me try to recall the most exciting events of the last few weeks. Oh, I was crowned Queen of the Ice last Saturday when I was selected above tens and dozens of other hockey fans to ride the Zamboni during a period break. It was thrilling, to say the least. The adoring throng cheered me on and bowed before my magnificence. I have to say I felt like I was home. You know, it just felt right. Like I'd finally found my place in the world. It was regretably short lived. OK, I have to watch Ugly Betty right now, so I'll be back later.

Get lost, kid. Halloween doesn't live here anymore.

My husband tells me he is not giving out candy tonight, and I beleive him because I haven't bought any candy and neither has he. He swore after last Halloween that his candy-giving days were over because all the kids where "little shits." I feel kind of guilty about it because our daughter is going out collecting, so it only seems fair that we should give. This morning I asked him if there really were no good kids last year. He said about 25% were good, but the rest were obnoxious as hell. So, he'll go around with me and our daughter and just enjoy her enjoyment of Halloween. I just hope when we get back home our house isn't Tee-Peed. That would suck majorly. Here's my daughter in her Pricess Leia costume. She's rocking it old school.

Happy Halloween Eve

Halloween costumes gone horribly wrong

When I was a kid, most commercially available costumes were like this one: You got a plastic mask and some kind of polyester jumpsuit thing that tied up in the back. I remember the box lid always had a cellophane window so you could see what the mask looked like. I don't know when they stopped making these things, but I don't miss them. You couldn't keep the mask on for very long because you'd basically suffocate, either that or you'd end up drowning from your breath condensing on the inside of the mask. And the eyeholes never matched up with your eyes, so you always had to tilt your head in weird directions to see where you were going. Yeah, they pretty much sucked. Anyway for a look at more horrible costumes, click here.

Interesting Stuff

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

AND FINALLY

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!


And, yes, I tried licking my elbow and couldn't.

I've been a bad mommy.

My husband mentioned last night that I've been neglecting my blog and I told him I've been busy, which I have been. Christopher from "everything is not real" has quit his blog, too. I don't know what's happening, but my world is being plunged into chaos. I feel so alone and cold. Anyway, I've been busy making my daughter's Halloween costume. She broke down and decided she didn't want to in the cheaply made rag we ordered through the internet, so I'm now sewing a Princess Leia costume. It's almost done. I've also been helping plan my church's Pumpkin Ball and planning my daughter's birthday party and I don't know what else. I told you I've been busy. It's not like I have anything particularly interesting to talk about. Oh, I've been doing a colon cleanse, but even that hasn't been as exciting as I thought it would be. I don't think I've actually gotten rid of 37 years of poop or anything, which is kind of disappointing based on some of the pictures I've seen of what other colon cleaners have experienced. My husband says it's all a lie, anyway, that we have years of shit coating our intestines and that it's all made up by people trying to sell colonics. Mind you, I am taking vitamins and things, I am not having the super enemas. I still maintain that the anus is an exit and not an entrance for anything.

Podcast #18

It's BC2 and me back together again.


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What's going on here?

Why is everyone bailing? Daily Dancer is retiring. Dan of Dantallion's Can[n]on is retiring. Again I ask, what's going on here? Pretty soon everyone will retire their blogs and I'll be left alone to wander the blogosphere without hope. Sniff, sniff. In memory of two fine bloggers who have chosen to ride off into the sunset, I will remain silent today and not sing karaoke because the song has momentarily left my heart. Okay, really I forgot to make a new recording, but I'd be quiet today, regardless. Really. I'm not lying.

Howdy, howdy, howdy

Somehow, I'm not quite sure, I've become the co-leader for my daughter's Browine Troop. Today is the first meeting. I like to call myself the assistant because that implies I'm not really responsible for anything, but my daughter insists I am a co-leader. I'm gonna work it like an assistant, though. The troop needed another adult on-hand at meetings or it wouldn't be allowed to do anything, so being the sucker that I am, I volunteered. I'm going to need to take pain medication afterward, though. Some of those girls need to be on an IV ritalin feed 24/7 in my book. But I'm sure it will be wildly rewarding as serving others always is. Yeah, I'm not buying it either.

Better Karaoke

Um, yeeeeaaaah. All I'm going to say is when I sing this song to the radio, I sound awesome......to myself.


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By the way, my daughter's Amidala costume came in and it's as chintzy as I thought it would be. She was pretty disappointed and said she's never going the ready-made route again. I was a good mom and didn't say, "I told you so."

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow! I love ya tomorrow you're always a day away!

May I suggest the Hot Shot HS36 Cattle Prod! The rolls royce of cattle prods. Whats that you don't want to get out of bed? ZAP! You don't want raisin bran? ZAP its the effective yet humane way to motivate your family in a minimal amount of time! Recommended by two out of three Guantanemo bay guards!

testimonial "shewt if they don't do what I say I just shock the shizzle out of them with my Hot Shot! he he he "

Minor side effects include:

twitching of the head and eye lids.

small circular burns

mild bleeding from the ears.

uncontrolled night terrors.

Still late.

OK, I have seriously got to get a handle on this tardiness thing with getting my daughter to school. I'm just angry about it now. I mean, there's no logical reason why I cannot get us out of the house in time to get her to school before the bell rings. I am, to quote Whitney Houston, every woman. If you haven't already guessed, I got her to school late again today. It's really about the time management. Starting tomorrow, no more snooze buttons. Starting tomorrow, I am waking up that child at 6:00, even if it means I have to dump a bucket of ice water on her head. Starting tomorrow, I am not putting up with anymore dilly dallying from my daughter; she gets up, she eats, she brushes her teeth, she gets dressed, and then we get the hell out of Dodge. This lateness thing has been a chronic problem since she started kindergarten and I've basically reached the end of my rope. I've just got to be disciplined about this entire thing and get my ass in gear. Starting tomorrow, baby, it's a whole new ball game.

Missing you.

You may or may not have noticed that I haven't been posting too much lately. Part of it is because I'm busy and the other part is that the effort of going over what's been happening in my life lately is just more than I can deal with right now. Not because it's anything bad, but just because it takes time and I'm kind of short on that commodity lately. So a quick recap of my life over the past couple of weeks:

* We were in Tahoe a couple of weeks ago for my friend's wedding. She's one of my best friends from college. Anyway, she got married, I was a bride's maid and the scenery was beautiful.

* I went to the Notre Dame/ Michigan State football game last Saturday. It rained an awful lot and we left the stadium right before ND came back and won the game. I don't regret leaving early because being wet wasn't exactly pleasant. We didn't get back into town until 4:00 a.m.

* We're planning on putting our dog into doggy daycare because she really does need some doggy friends. She's like the unpopular girl at school right now and we've got to fix that.

* Third grade is harsh, man. Getting through all my daughter's homework and adjusting to the massive increase in work has been a little difficult.

* I'm apparently now an Arbonne consultant. I bought a membership so I could order my products online without a consultant and that apparently made me a consultant. I guess it's cool.

* I bought my daughter some generic Heelies or Wheelies or whatever the hell the name of those shoes with wheels in the heel are called. She still hasn't gone out to try and learn how to use them. No surprises there.

* My husband started taking guitar lessons at the beginning of the month and told me last night he's not going to do it anymore because he doesn't have time. I told him he has to finish out the month because we've already paid.

May the force be with you.

So, my daughter has decided she wants to be Padme Amidala for Halloween this year. To accomodate her wish, I just ordered this costume:



Usually, I make her costume, but she said she wanted this costume and had all sorts of reasoning why it was better to just order one this year instead of making one: "You don't have a lot of time anymore, Mom."

"This will help you out, a lot."

"You won't have to worry about getting my costume together."

I don't mind not making her costume, but most costumes are pretty chintzy and I don't have any reason to think it won't be the case with this one, but who am I to argue with a girl who wanted a costume because "the blaster is really cool."

Podcast #17

We are back on the air with a new set of victims.


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I suck.

I have managed to get my daughter to school late the last two days. I'm not feeling great about that. Granted, it's only been by like a minute or two, but they take tardiness very seriously at her school. Anyway, other than waking up a half hour earlier, I don't know how to keep this from happening. My daughter is a major putzer in the morning. It takes 15 minutes just to get her up out of bed. It doesn't matter how early she gets to bed the night before, it'll still take 15 minutes to wake up the next morning. Then she takes 20 minutes to eat breakfast because she keeps getting up and wandering around and doing God knows what else. Meanwhile, I'm ironing, or getting her breakfast or feeding the dog or any other number of morning things. Ultimately, I'm the one that's got to get us out the door on time and I'm just mad at myself.

We lost.

Go Big Blue!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled karaoke post to bring you two special, special songs to enjoy on the eve of the Nittany Lion's victorious battle against the Fighting Irish. Enjoy. Man, if you don't feel the excitement, you're dead.


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Good night, sweet Crocodile Hunter.

I am shocked that the Crocodile Hunter is dead. I couldn't believe it when my husband came downstairs yesterday morning and told me the news. I feel especially bad for his family. And the reason I even care is because Steve Irwin is one of my daughter's heroes. She loves him and has talked a lot about how she wants to go work at Australia Zoo one day and meet him. She's already decided she wants to work with animals when she grows up and she really loves them. So, we knew she was going to be really upset when we told her, and she was. She went to her Zoo Tycoon game so she could design a zoo for him. It seems so strange that he should die in such a freakish way. All reports seem to indicate the particular blow he took from the stingray is a one in a million kind of thing. Anyway, I'm sad he's dead and I think it stinks.

Karaoke this way

I've got a strange relationship with Steve Tyler. Well, I have a strange relationship with the idea of Steve Tyler. I find him repulsive yet strangely appealing. I think it's because he seems dirty to me. I don't know why I like dirty, but I do. At any rate, I've said it before and I'll say it again, only Steve Tyler should attempt to sing Aerosmith songs; however, I can't help myself because it's so much fun to sing Aerosmith songs, so here I am singing Angel.


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Clash of the Titans

I'm really excited because in about a week and a half I get to cheer on my beloved Nittany Lions when Penn State comes to Notre Dame. I haven't seen a Penn State game in YEARS. I really can't express how excited I am. Of course, I predict we will emerge victorious. Mountain lions eat leprechauns for lunch. It's a well-documented fact.

Release the hounds.

Through the use of a clever systems of ropes and pulleys, we were able to spring Mookie from the joint yesterday. Here she is with her new haircut.

My life is boring.

I've realized that while my days are jam-packed with things to do and accomplish, my life is boring. Take this past weekend, for instance. I was constantly on the go, but none of it was exciting or interesting. I had to take my daughter around to various parties and social events, shop for my parish picnic, set up and then work the parish picnic. I had something to do every second, but I can't point to any moment as being note-worthy. How mundane and average can a person get? Really. Oh, there is one thing that worth noting: We put our dog in the kennel Friday night because I wanted to get her groomed and then we figured we'd leave her there overnight because we had running around to do, and then we'd pick her up on Saturday. Anyway, I didn't bother to ask what time they close Saturday, just assuming we'd have plenty of time. We didn't have plenty of time and found out about an hour too late that they closed at 1:00. Anway, the dog is still trapped in the kennel and I won't be able to get her until after I pick up my daughter from school today. I felt pretty bad about that. I'm sure the kennel people are thinking we abandoned our dog.



Mookie calls us scum for abandoning her at the kennel. Either that or she's just mad at us for dressing her up in this ugly Hawaiian shirt. Hard call.

Warm as apple karaoke

I don't have anything to say about this week's karaoke post other than it's me singing Madonna's version of American Pie, so just eat it.


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Cold Medicine

Man, what is it about cold medicine? Damn, I am literally sitting here with my eyeballs rolling into the back of my head. I don't know how I'm even managing to type this right now. The funny thing is I'm actually typing better than I normally do even though I'm really, really wigging on the Dayquil. Do you think employers really prefer to have their people at work like this as opposed to them just staying home and resting? I really wonder about that because they all SAY they prefer it, but you know you always end up on the shit list if you call in sick. I don't personally, but I still don't call in sick unless I am really dead to the world. Mainly because even though I'm sick, that doesn't stop my daughter from having to be where she needs to be and if I have to get up and get her to school and stuff, there's not logical reason for me to stay home because I've already defeated the purpose by getting in the shower. My husband asked me this morning how I was feeling and I said crap and he said, but you fight colds better than I do and I said no, I just deal with it better and then he said he doesn't like it when I try to deny how he feels when he's sick and I said I don't deny how you feel when you're sick. And then he said, "Having you been running a fever?" And I said that I've felt warm but I just take medicine and get through the day and then he said he was taking medicine, too. Anyway, I don't know the point of telling you all of that other than to confirm what most women already suspect, which is that men tend to revert to a childlike state when sick. Conversely, I'm sure men resent the fact that we women don't have much patience with them when they are sick. Obviously, the world will now end.

Slug, slug, slug

That pretty much describes me over the last couple of days. I'm fighting some kind of sickness passed on to me from my dear, dear, dear husband. I'm on the Dayquil. You know from past posts how much I love the Dayquil. It just paints a nice little haze over the day. I thought I had some interesting stuff to say, but I can't remember any of it. I'm sitting and thinking and none of it is coming to me. Ummm, yeah, I don't remember anything. I think I'm going to get my husband to go watch Snakes on a Plane this Friday. Our daughter is going to go to this Parents Night Out thing at her karate school and I want to see SoaP. I love that acronym for some reason. Oh, here's something kind of funny. Actually, you probably won't think it's funny, I just think it's funny because it's my kid, but yesterday we're in the car and I asked her something that her teacher did that didn't make any sense like, "Why is she not letting you keep your colored pencils at school just because you've got more colors than she thinks you need?" And my daughter responded, "I don't know, Mom. Why does the sun rise in the morning?" Had to bite my tongue before asking, "Is that just your way of saying something doesn't make sense?" And she said it was. Then I asked her where she got that from and she said she just made it up, or maybe she got it off television. One of those two things, anyway.

Ghost hunt, the fourth

So we went on a ghost hunt this past Saturday to a couple of cemetaries. They were working on getting us into this old opera house that supposedly has activity, but that didn't pan out; although, they're still working on it for a later hunt. That would be cool. This being my second cemetary hunt, I don't think I'll be making a habit of going on too many of them, mainly because they're not very exciting. We did do some EVP recordings in the first cemetary, but they've got to listen to them on the computer before we know if we got anything or not. If you think you won't feel stupid talking to the air, asking questions like: "When did you die?" "Did you have any children?" "Where's the money?", then you're wrong. Because you do feel stupid. I asked the spirits if they thought we were attractive, so we'll see what they think. Here is a picture of something unusual I got at the second cemetary. I don't know what it is. Here's the first picture:



And here is a close-up of the object in question:

OK, Blogger's not letting me upload the second picture, so you're going to have to wait awhile.

OK, here it is, finally.

Just because it's so friggin' funny

An unforgettable round of Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Air Karaoke

What ever happened to Air Supply? They were everywhere in the early '80s and then, poof, they were gone. It was weird. There was no gradual decline, they were just gone. They were such a weird looking duo, the tall, skinny guy with a hooked nose and the small, stumpy guy with the bad perm. A real testament to juxtaposition. OMG! OK, I just got this picture off their website. This is what they look like now.



Wow, it's amazing what nearly thirty years can do to a bloke. Anyway, today I am singing All Out of Love just for you.


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First day of school

So my daughter is back to the daily grind and I'm back to getting up at 5:30 in the a.m. Yeah, that kind of sucks, but I do what a mom's gotta do. It figures that the first day back I'm ready to start killing people by the time I pull up to my daughter's school. First, we end up hitting every red light on the drive, then when I turn onto a street by the school, one of the lanes is closed so that slows things down and then when I pull into the cue, some yoho up front is taking ten years to get their kids out of the car, so I very enthusiastically tell my daughter, "Get out of the car here because this person is taking forever." Anyway, I park the car so I can take in the bag of school supplies that won't fit in her backpack. I don't know about you, but does it seem like kids need a shit-load of school supplies nowadays? I remember we had to get some notebooks, some pencils and pens, some crayons and safety scissors, and that was about it. I had to buy hand soap, three rolls of paper towels, boxes of kleenex, several varieties of pens and highlighters, ziploc bags, drawing pads, glue sticks, book covers, pencil bags, gym shoes, and more for her this year. It's crazy. I don't know how families with more than one kid can afford it.

I Can RUN!

Went to see the orthopedic surgeon who did my knee. He says the knee is looking good, but I told him I still have pain. He asked me if I've been jogging yet and I said, "You haven't given me permission to run yet, but I did go running with my friend a couple of weeks ago." He asked me how it went and I told him I didn't try to push myself or anything, so it was OK. He told me to start jogging every other day for 10-15 minutes and just keep increasing as I feel I can. So cool. I told him I asked my daughter to watch me while I ran to see if I was doing it and then I told him that she said, "Mom, no, really you're just walking, but you're moving your arms like you're running." I was running.

Over the weekend, my daughter and I went peach-picking at a local orchard, and it was a pretty good time. My friend picked 55 pounds of peaches. I don't know what she's going to do with 55 pounds of peaches. Make a lot of cobbler, I suppose.

Lion and the Karaoke

What can we say about Sinead O'Connor? She's definitely traveled a different path from the rest of us. I loved her first album, and then started liking her less and less with each subsequent album. Now, anytime you hear anything about her, it's tinged with craziness. Poor Sinead. I guess she could never quite escape her wretched childhood. Anyway, enough sadness for Sinead, here I am singing Nothing Compares 2 U.


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The horror, the horror.

I just enrolled my daughter for the upcoming school year and, horror of horrors, they put her and her best friend in different classes. I don't think these people understand the true darkness they've unleased upon themselves by doing this. The two kids have been together since kindgergarten. When my daughter found out, she simply said, "I knew this day would come." And there was enough foreboding in her voice to send a chill down my spine. No lie.

Just because it's funny

A friend of mine e-mailed me this picture under the heading: Why Kids Should Not be Left Alone. I think that pretty much says it all.

Magical Karaoke

When I was a kid and my parents got our first VCR, they also bought a copy of Xanadu for us to watch. To say my sister and I loved watching Xanadu is a major understatement. We'd come home and watch that movie every day after school. This went on for a very, very, very long time. We loved the music so much, we tape recorded the songs from the television so we could listen to the soundtrack whenever we wanted. I drew endless pictures of the Muses from the movie because I loved their outfits. How could you not want to wear an outfit like this?



Yeah, pretty damn hard to resist. Anyway, here I am singing Olivia Newton-John's Magic from Xanadu.


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Not in the mood

I was going to talk about what the medium told me, but I'm not in the mood because I've talked about it too much over the last couple of days answering people's questions about it. I can only think about one thing for so long before I get completely bored with it, so maybe next week I'll delve into the secrets of my reading. My ghost hunting friend Lisa went to Waverly Hills Tuberculosis Sanatorium over the weekend. It's in Kentucky and has gotten a lot of attention lately as a really haunted location. She said she thinks she saw a shadow person and maybe heard something, but isn't absolutely sure on that one. She took gobs of pictures, but only got orbs. There was one series of three shots, though, where it looks like the orb is moving away from her, so that was pretty cool.

My ghost hunting group went to an abandoned insane assylum the first Saturday of my vacation, and that was an interesting experience. I chickened out and only got about three rooms deep into the building before I went back out to my car. Something in me just made it impossible for me to go any further. Although, considering I was carrying a bottle of holy water and wearing a scapular around my neck, you'd think I would have been braver. This is what I find interesting, a couple of members of the group are cradle Catholics who are now Wiccan. Once I pulled out my holy water, they were in line with everyone else getting some so they could bless themselves before going into the building. I think this just goes to show that when it comes to battling spirits, Catholics are pretty much the champions.

Here are some pictures I took. I have to say the place was pretty damn spooky.

OK, I just tried uploading the pictures and there's something wrong with Blogger, so you all are just going to have to wait.

OK, picture uploading is working again, so here they are.

I'm back, I'm back.

Just got back from vacation. Coming back to work is a bummer, of course. I was in a small town in Pennsylvania the last few days, attending a bridal shower for my friend's niece. My friend's husband couldn't make the trip and she didn't want to make the drive alone, so she invited me. It was pretty relaxing and her family was very warm and welcoming. I could not live in a town that small, though. It only has about 3500 residents and the nearest Target is almost two hours away. That's about as close to Hell as I can imagine getting without actually being in Hell. On Monday, we went to this little village named Lily Dale. Here's a little information from Budget Travel Online, just so you can get the jist of this place:

At a strange little village an hour south of Buffalo, talking to the dead is a way of life. Founded by the Laona Free Thinkers Association in 1879, when spiritualism was an obsession of America's elite, Lily Dale attracted legends such as Susan B. Anthony, Mae West, and Harry Houdini. Today, "the Dale," pop. 500, unlocks its picket fences each summer to admit soul-searchers. (This year: June 25 to September 5; visitors pay $7 for every 24 hours they visit; 716/595-8721, http://www.lilydaleassembly.com/.)

More than 30 residents of this tree-shaded town are clairvoyants who purport to help people connect with departed family, friends, and spirit guides. On their gingerbread-trimmed homes, look for signs soliciting private sessions ($50 to $75 for 30 to 60 minutes).

Take the gravel path at the edge of the village into the Leolyn Woods, past the tilted, moss-covered gravestones of the pet cemetery, and into the towering old-growth forest where "message services" have been held since 1898.

At 1 p.m. and 5:30 p.m. each day, mediums "serve spirit" to believers sitting expectantly on benches. Also try the free 4 p.m. service at the tiny Forest Temple nearby. The pamphlet at the Healing Temple on East Street admonishes, "Spiritual healing is not a substitute for medical treatment." But daily at 10:30 a.m. and 7 p.m., men and women in white stroke the invisible energy fields of ailing visitors.

Anyway, we went there for the afternoon and had some readings done, which I'll talk about tomorrow because I've got too much catching up to do right now, so until then.

Hotel Karaoke

What is it about college, drinking and The Eagles? They all just come together in a perfect sort of harmony that can't be duplicated under any other circumstances. I can't count the number of nights we all laid around drunk singing Eagles songs at the top of our lungs. I don't know if it's that we thought the songs were more profound that way or what. Good times. Good times. Here I am singing Hotel California for your listening pleasure this week. I'll be on vacation next week, so posts will be rare or nonexistant.


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Ashlee Simpson has a gross tongue.

Look at that thing. It's absolutely vile. I don't know if she's trying to channel Gene Simmons or something, but girlfriend needs to keep that nasty, white thing in her mouth.

What the...?

I don't really know what this entire thing is about, but I've just stumbled on this story. It's probably old news, but I find it really compelling in terms of the freedom of speech issue and personal responsibility. The upshot is that this woman named Deborah Frisch posted comments on a conservative blog run by a man named Jeff Goldstein. I don't know anything about what led her to post the comments, but she apparently left comments that were threatening and insulting to Goldstein's toddler son and wife. As a result, Frisch resigned her post as an adjunct instructor at the University of Arizona. Here are links to sites that delve into the story a little more:

On campus, beware the blog (Yahoo)

The Great Blogosphere Brawl (Fox News)


Protein Wisdom (Jeff Goldstein's blog)

South(west)paw (Deborah Frisch's blog)

Arizona Lecturer Quits After JonBenet Comments (Denver ABC News)

Crossing a Line (Inside Higher Ed)

I only know what I've been reading at these different links, but freedom of speech does come with an obligation to use it responsibly...just like drinking beer. Don't abuse it people. Oh, and another rule of thumb, don't threaten people's children. It pisses them off.

D'oh, my balls.

Yesterday our dog went racing across my daughter as she reclined on the sofa watching television. The dog managed to plant a paw in a sensitive part of my daughter's body, to which she reared up in pain and yelled, "Oh, my balls!" I looked at my daughter and said, "You don't have balls, honey." She looked at me and said, "I thought balls was another word for private parts." I explained that, no, only boys have balls and, even then, it's sometimes questionable.

"So, balls is another word for weiner?" she asked.

"Well, no," I answered. "Balls is another word for testicles, which is the part of the boy where the sperm comes from. Remember when I explained that to you?" I reminded her that they were in the scrotum and hung down behind the weiner and looked like balls, hence the name.

She nodded in affirmation. "Oh, yeah," she said.

"Do you want me to show you a picture in the book so you understand better?"

"Uh, no," she said while shaking her head pretty vigourously. "I don't want to see it."

Yeah, sweetie, none of us really want to see.

My dog is weird.

As you may or may not know, we've been litter box training our dog with various levels of success. Sometimes it seems like she's got it, and then other times it doesn't. We thought for sure she had the peeing part of it down, and then she'd go off and pee somewhere she shouldn't. The pooping has always been hit or miss, that is, until lately. And now I think our dog has gotten the idea that pooping and peeing in the box is a trick that she does. We've been encouraging her with treats everytime she goes in the box and now that dog will not leave the kitchen until someone comes and gives her a treat after she does her business. She'll actually bark to call someone in to see what she's done. Believe me, I prefer that to her going somewhere else in the house, but it's pretty amusing. She also forces out droplets of pee to get a treat. It's pretty funny in a really pathetic sort of way. And it all makes me wonder, who is really being trained here.



And here's a picture of my daughter and one of her cousins doing what all proper Korean children learn to do one day, clean lettuce.



Hard to believe the same blood runs through their veins, isn't it?

Sister Karaoke

When I was in about, oh, eighth grade or so, this song was pretty popular. I won't deny, I liked it just as much as anybody else, but I'll be damned if I really ever understood what it was about. Was it about a girl losing her virginity? Was it about a girl getting caught up too quickly in an adult world? Or was it simply about a girl and her love of "motoring"? I DON"T KNOW!!! Anyway, let's take it back to the 80's with Night Ranger's Sister Christian.


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Best term in the world.

OK, so I'm talking to a couple of my friends about making a visit to a local porn shop and how I plan on making a scene so they'll kick me out for scaring the other customers and one of my friends asked, "Wonder what you've got to do to get kicked out of a fuckerware store?" Ha! Fuckerware. That's the best term in the world.

Is that you. . .cough cough I can't see. . . I'm soo cold sooo col. . . d. . . .

Ok so my dear sister needs a bit of a lightning bolt to spice things up in her blog as of late. She has had little to inspire her to blogging greatness. (enter stage right) So I Juan Carlos De La Vega am here! (if you didn't know thats the mild mannered identity of Zorro) I'm a bit punch drunk today because I was up till 2 am in the morning working last night and been working since 7 am this morning. I have a lot of caffeine in me so I have all sorts of crazy stuff floating in my ADD enhanced brain! The first thing that comes to my mind is That Star J0nes is Ugly. I think she is disgusting. I want to learn kung fu just in the chance that I ever meet her I can bust a double round house hiya on her for offending my eyes! Second what do you think if we made special military subs that could drill under countries like china and North Korea and plant nuclear bombs so we wouldn't have to worry about missles or any of that crap. we'd just press a button and just blow the ass out of any countries that got in our way. . .that would be wicked. I'm hungry I want a chocolate croisant. well thats all I have for now I have to go walk my awesome puppy. Well, actually I have some time so I'll continue to write stuff here. My new company is awesome. They stock the fridge with free diet dr. pepper and Coke Zero my two favorite sodas. In addition we get free bagels on Fridays. screw the stock options and all the other stuff they gave me! This is the real reason I came to work here! That and huge collection of audio books the company lets us check out for free. My wife's best friend "other then me!" is coming into town tomorrow evening and they are going to run around and have "girl" time this weekend. Some might think this reason for me to feel left out that its a girls club thing. In actuality I really like this scenerio. Because this will free me up to be a drunken idiot with my friends. Now that is a good idea! Do any of you take hygene vacations? where you don't shower all weekend? just because you can? I like to do that on occasion. My wife doesn't appreciate it much but I think it can be fun.
ok my wrist hurts so I'm quiting now.

This woman should be ashamed to call herself a television journalist

This links to a video segment of a local interview done with comedian D.L. Hughley, who is apparently performing at a comedy club in town. The woman interviewing him is AWFUL. And by awful, I mean really, really sucks at it. She's got no sense of humor and has no charm. I'm offended by her lack of interviewing skills.



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Woman killed in Boston tunnel

BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) -- Falling concrete slabs crushed a car inside one of the city's troubled Big Dig tunnels, killing a woman and tying up traffic Tuesday with another shutdown in the massive building project that has become a central route through the city.

The car's driver crawled out through a window but his passenger was killed when at least four of the 3-ton panels hit the vehicle, authorities said.

Inside the Interstate 90 connector tunnel, which runs beneath an industrial area of South Boston, the giant concrete slabs could be seen lying against the tunnel wall and across the roadway. It connects to the Ted Williams Tunnel, which goes under Boston Harbor to Logan airport.

Massachusetts Turnpike Authority Chairman Matthew Amorello said he didn't believe safety was compromised elsewhere in the tunnel system, but the damaged section was closed indefinitely for repairs and inspections.

The ceiling panels fell because a steel tieback, holding a 40-foot section of the ceiling in place, gave way, Amorello said.

"There was a snapping sound heard," Amorello said. "One of the tile panels from the roof released. It caused a series of panels to be released."

The ceiling panels were erected there in 1999 and the tiebacks were bolted to the tunnel roof overhead. Other parts of the system were the tiebacks are believed to have been used were being inspected.

Boston Mayor Tom Menino demanded quick answers.

"We don't need a six-month study. We need an immediate reaction and action by the different authorities so that we can reassure the public as they drive into the city or drive over to the airport that the tunnel is safe to go through," he said.

Amorello said the contractor was Modern Continental. Messages left Tuesday with the company seeking comment were not immediately returned.

"Any responsible party will be held accountable for what happened," Amorello said. "This is an unacceptable, horrible tragedy."

Gov. Mitt Romney cut short a vacation in New Hampshire and returned to Massachusetts on Tuesday to meet with his cabinet.

The $14 billion Big Dig highway project, which buried Interstate 93 beneath downtown and extended the Massachusetts Turnpike to Logan Airport, has been criticized for construction problems and cost overruns. There have been water leaks and at least one incident when dirt and debris from an air shaft fell onto cars.

In May, prosecutors charged six current and former employees of a concrete supplier with fraud for allegedly concealing that some concrete delivered to the Big Dig was not freshly mixed.

Amorello said preliminary investigation shows that the quality of the concrete was not to blame for the fatal accident Monday night. The ceiling collapse happened about 200 feet from the end of the connector tunnel, near the entrance to the Ted Williams Tunnel, which goes under Boston Harbor to the airport.

Christy Mihos, an independent candidate for governor and former member of the Turnpike Authority Board and agency critic, called the accident "my worst nightmare come true."

Mihos urged the governor to seize control of the Turnpike's day-to-day operations.

The shutdown Tuesday morning backed up traffic for miles as commuters tried to navigate the detours. Officials urged drivers, particularly those headed to Logan airport, to use public transit instead.

The victims were identified by State Police Tuesday as Milena Delvalle, 38, and Angel Delvalle, 46. Delvalle was treated for minor injuries.

"The driver's side stayed more intact than the passenger's side," State Police Maj. Michael Mucci said. "He was able to crawl out the window. There was only about 6 to 12 inches. But he was able to get through."

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

This is the kind of thing that scares the crap out of me because it could happen anytime to anyone. I'm always a little freaked out when I go through tunnels because I'm always a little scared that the entire thing is going to come crashing down on my head. I know this is the sort of thing one should worry about as often as one should worry about being struck by lightning, but obviously, it happens. I like how the story explains that the tunnel is closed indefinitely, which it should be. But I've got to wonder about the person who would still want to drive through this thing, regardless. Because that's why they make the announcement about the closure, to inform the people who wouldn't realize that the tunnel collapsing automatically means no one can continue to use it. Shit, even if they said I could drive through it, I'd be like, "No thanks. I'll take the long way around this time."

I'm a dork.

So says my daughter when I am wearing my cool hexagon sunglasses from my college days. The sunglasses sorta, kinda look like this pair in a really vague way. Basically, the front of the frames are similar in shape to the pair here, but there aren't any extra lenses that fold in the way that these do. The lenses are also pretty dark. At any rate, I couldn't find my regular sunglasses, so I put these on. When I picked up my daughter from day camp, she said, "Mom, those glasses are sooo dorky. They are so not in style."

"You really don't think so?" I asked.

"No," she answered.

She went on to say that if I can't find my regular glasses, then I should just go buy a new pair instead of wearing my dorky old pair. I thought they were still cool. But, if she says I should go buy myself a new pair, who's going to argue? Not me. I like buying sunglasses. Although, I wonder if I should be taking style advice from an 8-year-old who thinks high fashion is the Pokemon t-shirt I made with an iron-on transfer. I don't know. This is a tough one.

Living on a karaoke

I always think of high school when I hear a Bon Jovi song. Especially when I hear anything from the Slippery When Wet album, which came out in the days when albums could be purchased on disks of black vinyl. In particular, the song I am singing today reminds me of this time I went to a church retreat with my youth group and they had a dance at the end and my friends and I danced and screamed ourselves hoarse to it, talking trash about how we were going to join a rock group in college. Anyway, I just want to say I didn't think Jon Bon Jovi was much to look at back in the day, but I do think he's aged well. Very well, indeed. So here I am singing Living on a Prayer.


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Grandma's Boy

I watched Grandma's Boy last night and I can honestly say it was a stupid movie. I don't mind stupid movies, but if they don't make me laugh, then I can't give up the love. I didn't laugh too much at it. Although, I have to say I thought Shirley Jones was brilliant as an over-sexed septuagenarian. I always knew Mrs. Partridge was a little freaky. It's unexpected to hear Mrs. Partridge talk about hand-jobs, and that's good. Unexpected is good. Other than that, it was just a dumb movie. Probably because I'm not big on drug humor. I don't understand what about being high is funny. I actually thought the funniest parts of the movie had nothing to do with the drugs. For instance, I thought the character of JP was funny because he was such a tool. The screwball druggie is just too played out for me. So I'm going to have to say I do not recommend you watch Grandma's Boy. It just didn't do it for me.

I hate everyone.

Well, not everyone. But I do hate the people who blew off fireworks all freaking night long. Is it really necessary to light fireworks past midnight? I don't think so. Needless to say, I'm a little tired and a whole lot grouchy today. At any rate, we had a pretty busy weekend. My parents brought back my daughter from DC, so she's home again and things should be back to normal. People asked if we missed her and I have to say I didn't because having the dog to take care of is almost like taking care of a kid, so nothing seemed that different because of it. We ran to Chicago for a night to check up on my uncle who had a kidney transplant about a week ago. It's actually his second one. The last kidney he had basically wore out. He had it about ten years before it gave out, and had been on dialysis for several years before this kidney came available. He had to be readmitted becuase he wasn't draning fluid and his ankles and face were super swollen. Hopefully, they'll be able to get him squared away now that he's back in the hospital.