December 22, 2008

Well, that took two forevers.

I just finished addressing all my Christmas cards and I really think my daughter gestated for less time than it took me to get those suckers ready. Seriously, it took hella long. And I didn't even write out the addresses or anything. I printed up labels, so all I was doing was stuffing, licking, and sticking. Anyway, it's done now so I don't have to worry about it for another year. In general, I haven't had much time to think about Christmasy sort of things this year. Between work, my daughter's schedule and theatre stuff, Christmas has ended up a kind of afterthought. I have to say I don't mind entirely. If it weren't for my daughter, I don't think I'd even bother with things like putting up a Christmas tree or baking cookies or any of the rest of it. Not because I'm going all Scrooge or anything, but just because it seems pretty pointless in the larger scheme of things. I just find it interesting how much pressure we put on ourselves as a society around the holidays. I have to assume most of it is for the kids, to try and give them something special, but why we suddenly think it's so important to hang lights everywhere and bake and cook ourselves senseless is escaping me the older I get. Don't get me wrong, I like Christmas, and I love seeing my daughter's excitement. I guess I just wish it came with less ceremony.

December 12, 2008

20 Things

A friend of mine tagged me on Facebook yesterday with this list. You're supposed to list 16 random things about yourself and then tag another 16 friends to get their list, and so on, and so on. Since I went to the trouble of making a list, I figured I may as well post it here. Although, I turned it into 20 things because I think 16 is a weird number for a list. If you feel so inclined, pass your own list on to your friends.

1. I still think I'm going to be famous one day.

2. I can tie a cherry stem into a knot using my tongue.

3. I'd love to be the singer in a rock band.

4. I like comfortable shoes.

5. Wish I could figure out a way to get my daughter to eat a wider variety of healthy foods.

6. I have one tattoo, and have been giving a lot of thought lately to getting a second.

7. Think my brother is the funniest person I know.

8. If I ever won the lottery, the only splurge items I'd really be interested in getting would be to hire a personal trainer who'd make me exercise every day and a cook who would only make healthy meals so I wouldn't have to think about food anymore. I really hate thinking about food. If they could make a meal pill like in The Jetsons where you'd get all your nutrition and not feel hungry, I'd be totally cool with that.

9. Wish I could be with my parents and siblings more often.

10. I hate country music. I pretty much think it sucks and listening to it hurts my ears. Ditto on opera.

11. I daydream all the time. I mean ALL THE TIME. I'm daydreaming right now.

12. I really am a mega-bitch, and I don't feel even a little bit bad about it.

13. I want to have my own talk show.

14. I'm pretty sure I'm spending a long time in Purgatory.

15. I like pushing people's buttons just to see what they'll do.

16. I've got a mouth like a sailor. I don't know why I like swearing, but I do.

17. I like dirty jokes and blue humor. In fact, the nastier it is, the longer and harder I'll probably laugh.

18. I like watching surgical procedures on the Health Discovery Channel, or any channel that's showing a surgery in graphic detail, really.

19. I know how to sew, knit and crochet.

20. I have a penis whistle in my purse.

December 04, 2008

Uh, do you mind?

OK, explain this one to me. I'm at the gym doing my elliptical when an old guy (which is pretty much the only kind of guy I see exercising in the faculty work out room) gets on the machine next to me. Mind you, there are several other empty ellipticals that are not right next to me, but he doesn't pick one of those. Anyway, old man gets on the elliptical next to me and starts ellipticaling like mad. He's pumping his veiny, saggy-skinned legs as fast as his can and working up a good sweat. A sweat, I should point out, that is not lacking in a very malodorous bouquet. But it is the gym, so it kind of comes with the territory. So I continue on with my workout when I am suddenly assaulted by a very unsweaty kind of stench. And, yes, it's a fart. At least, it's the only thing I can assume it is because it smells like a fart. I didn't hear anything, so it was of the silent but deadly variety, but it smelled like rotten ass, which, of course, makes sense. At any rate, I'm trying to continue exercising while trying to hold my breath a bit at the same time until the odor fades. This isn't as easy as it sounds because, you know, I'm exercising. My body is requiring more than it's normal amount of oxygen to keep exercising, and I absolutely was not going to breath through my mouth to supply the extra oxygen. I mean, it's one thing to smell some old guy's rotten ass fart, but I'm sure as hell not going to taste that shit. Which is why I never understand when people start breathing through their mouths when they smell something bad. There are taste buds in your mouth and they taste. Why would anyone want a mouthful of fart? I don't get it.

At any rate, the fart fades enough for me to start breathing normally again, and I'm going along doing my thing on the elliptical. Not too much longer, I smell another fart. So, of course, I'm pissed. I mean, come on. How am I supposed to keep exercising when some pasty geezer keeps breaking wind next to me? Plus, it's just rude. After way too much time, the old guy gets off the elliptical and leaves. I'm incredibly relieved and continue on with my own workout. When my husband gets home I tell him the agony I had to endure and he tells me that men can't help it. He tells me men can't hold in their farts, which I tell him is bullshit. He swears to me that men can't hold in their farts. Why is it women can hold in their farts, then? Seriously. I think men just don't want to hold in their farts because they don't give a damn if they sicken people with their stink. The only thing I'm saying is if that is the truth and you men know it, don't fucking get on the elliptical next to me, then. Is that really to much to ask?

December 02, 2008

Podcast #26

The girls and I discuss a recent sex toy party we attended.