December 04, 2008

Uh, do you mind?

OK, explain this one to me. I'm at the gym doing my elliptical when an old guy (which is pretty much the only kind of guy I see exercising in the faculty work out room) gets on the machine next to me. Mind you, there are several other empty ellipticals that are not right next to me, but he doesn't pick one of those. Anyway, old man gets on the elliptical next to me and starts ellipticaling like mad. He's pumping his veiny, saggy-skinned legs as fast as his can and working up a good sweat. A sweat, I should point out, that is not lacking in a very malodorous bouquet. But it is the gym, so it kind of comes with the territory. So I continue on with my workout when I am suddenly assaulted by a very unsweaty kind of stench. And, yes, it's a fart. At least, it's the only thing I can assume it is because it smells like a fart. I didn't hear anything, so it was of the silent but deadly variety, but it smelled like rotten ass, which, of course, makes sense. At any rate, I'm trying to continue exercising while trying to hold my breath a bit at the same time until the odor fades. This isn't as easy as it sounds because, you know, I'm exercising. My body is requiring more than it's normal amount of oxygen to keep exercising, and I absolutely was not going to breath through my mouth to supply the extra oxygen. I mean, it's one thing to smell some old guy's rotten ass fart, but I'm sure as hell not going to taste that shit. Which is why I never understand when people start breathing through their mouths when they smell something bad. There are taste buds in your mouth and they taste. Why would anyone want a mouthful of fart? I don't get it.

At any rate, the fart fades enough for me to start breathing normally again, and I'm going along doing my thing on the elliptical. Not too much longer, I smell another fart. So, of course, I'm pissed. I mean, come on. How am I supposed to keep exercising when some pasty geezer keeps breaking wind next to me? Plus, it's just rude. After way too much time, the old guy gets off the elliptical and leaves. I'm incredibly relieved and continue on with my own workout. When my husband gets home I tell him the agony I had to endure and he tells me that men can't help it. He tells me men can't hold in their farts, which I tell him is bullshit. He swears to me that men can't hold in their farts. Why is it women can hold in their farts, then? Seriously. I think men just don't want to hold in their farts because they don't give a damn if they sicken people with their stink. The only thing I'm saying is if that is the truth and you men know it, don't fucking get on the elliptical next to me, then. Is that really to much to ask?

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