April 29, 2004

80's Music Rules!!!

This post has nothing to do with the title, but you've got to put something down. I've been looking at some of the other blogs on Blogger and I wonder why so many of them are devoted to complaining. I'm a world-class complainer, mind you, but doesn't it just get boring after awhile writing so much about how your life sucks?

Anonymous Sample post #1: AHH!!! how?!?! everyone of you has finished her 2.4 km run!!! mine is tml!!! wat if i fail?!?! i'll die!!! oh, i won't cos if so i dunno die how many times becos of the 5 items loh... heihei... but i still scared scared. i dun wanna deprove from last year's timing... but most probably i will... sigh~ gotta resign to my fate.

Anonymous Sample post #2: I am so sensitive I am like a sponge. I absorb those around me. I absorb other's unhappiness, other's anger, other's pain. And once absorbed I carry it with me. Like I am the keeper of other's shadows.

Anonymous Sample post #3: people should learn to come early. or don't bother coming at all. they should be shot.
i feel like crap.
something is hindering me. i think i'm scared of something. but i don't want to admit what it is. it pains me. it's eating my life away. bit by bit. little by little. nibbling till i'm totally gone.
...i think it's nothingness. or the fear of it. it's starting to suck (like a fucking baby) the life out of me. i need to stick a pacifier in its teething mouth.
and how are we supposed to study econs when its full of fuck anyway?! if the bloody concepts are based on assumptions, then aren't we studying fantasy? i mean, the world is not made up of assumptions yea? if it was, it would be a happier(or fuckier) place. see, assumptions. how now, do you take me seriously? hahahaha. everything is a big fat joke.

See what I mean? In fact, if you think about it, this post is really just an addition to the wide world of complaints, because I'm basically complaining myself. But all that aside, I'm curious about what compells so many people to spill their disappointment out there for the rest of the world to see. Are they hoping that they'll get some sort of assurance that someone else's life is really much worse? Of course someone else's life is worse, that goes without saying.

I especially like the teenage angst blogs I've seen. You really do forget how crappy being a teenager is when you finally get past it. I worry a little bit about when my daughter finally gets there. I hope she'll trust me enough to come to me if she feels like she's really losing her mind. I find myself thinking about the past a lot. Just wondering if I would have done anything differently than I have. I can't really pinpoint one specific thing, but I definitely think I would have tried to be more involved with clubs and what-not in college. I really only did the little sister thing in college. I didn't take good advantage of the opportunities that are available in college. Oh yeah, and did I meantion, 80's music rules!!!

April 07, 2004

Interview #12

Hi all. Today I'm interviewing one of my brother's friends. His name is Geoff, and according to my brother, he's REALLY crazy. So let's get started with the inquisition.

KC: Just by way of background, can you tell us how you know my brother?

GH: Symbolically, Mike is a smooth lover from around this world bound to drive any woman insane. Spiritually, we were destined to be great friends. Our good energies brought us together through common friends.

KC: So are you saying my brother's lovemaking skills are what attracted you to him?

GH: hahah. No, but his shit talking skills and ripping and rhyming antics did. that guy has a vocabulary and complementary animated move skill set the size of New York.

KC: I see, so you find him a kindred spirit in that you both talk without really saying something? Do I have that correct?

GH: Connection with Mikey C is rarely devoid of talking. That guy LOVES to talk. So that forms the meat and potatoes of our association, however we probably have been friends in past lives at some point. So I think we are connected at many levels, both verbal and nonverbal.

KC: OK, I understand. There's that strange nagging sense at the back of your head when the two of you are together that you're bound in much stronger ways than encompassed by this momentary physical existence?

GH: Quite true. He has purity and good will that are rare among many people my age.

KC: That's an interesting observation. Now, my brother says you are even crazier than he. I have to admit that the concept boggles my mind, so please share with our audience something you've done that outdoes his nuttiness.

GH: Very difficult to say. See, crazy people who are mutual friends probably have the tendency to illustrate the other as being the more crazy. I think that we probably form the most insanity when we are hanging out together. For example, we have gone stark raving mad atop a mountain in Skyline Drive, VA where at one point we were making people hiking the Appalachian Trail stop in their tracks and take a warm shot of bourbon. We enjoy becoming part of, or acting like, the local flora and fauna of any environment we are in. So that day, it was remarked by visitors that we looked like a bunch of drunk lizards lying out on the rocks overlooking the valley. We were, indeed, drunk lizards.

KC: Just lying drunk on a rock isn't exactly crazy, so there's a part of this story you're not sharing, so spill the beans. This is not an interview for the weak-hearted.

GH: will other members of Mike's immediate family see the data?

KC: Probably just my sister. My parents don't know about this blog. Even if they did, I don't think they'd be interested enough to read it. So everything's safe.

GH: We were hallucinating on Mushrooms, and nearly fell off a cliff because we could not keep our balance amid undulating peaks, hillsides, and valleys. How we managed to have intelligible conversations with other humans is beyond me.

KC: Who says it was intelligible? Do you have imperical evidence that proves the two of you were making any sense to anyone but yourselves? And I find the full unabridged story much more interesting.

GH: People appeared to respond to our diction in a normal fashion. their auras indicated that all was well, although one of our friends was drooling and giggling a little too much.

KC: OK, now I'm really laughing hard. Yeah, I think I can picture it. I have a question about the mushrooms. One of my past students loved to write short stories about his "shrooming" and the way he described the mushrooms sounded like they were the mushrooms the Smurfs lived in. Is that what they actually look like?

GH: not at all. they resemble that when they are actually growing (although there are all kinds of strains of psylocybin). but when you consume them, they are dehydrated. they look like a bunch of dried up scraps of vegetables.

KC: I've always been interested in how you buy them. Do you get them from your friendly neighborhood dealer?

GH: only trusted friends, or well-meaning hippies at music festivals. or culture and grow them yourself. Shrooms are not widely known to be part of the drug trade that criminal rings are involved in. They are very intense nonetheless, and must be consumed with great care and responsibility.

KC: So you're saying never do it by yourself? Do you have a designated straight guy?

GH: Doing them by one's self or with others is up to the user's discretion. I'd say they are much more fun in the presence of trusted friends, that are also participating. Environment is key. You must be in a situation of safety, and not surrounded by anyone with bad energy.

KC: Or hanging out on a cliff with a 90 degree vertical drop?

GH: That was, in retrospect, an unwise location because we were drinking whiskey, which made us too dizzy. But I gotta tell ya, the energy there was GREAT!!! Skyline Drive is a beautiful area.

KC: Yeah it is. I used to go there quite frequently when I still lived in Virginia. Now, I'd like to know about the auras you saw around the hapless hikers who encountered you on the mountaintop. How did you know they had good auras? What's a good aura and what's a bad aura?

GH: I'm not very good at reading auras, however shrooms drastically intensifies one's sensitivity to people's energies. For example, I was at home shrooming with friends a long time ago, and a bunch of belligerent drunk guys came through the door...they had very bad energy that caused me to interpret their faces as having varicose veins crawling around them. not a pretty sight. however, people who have love and joy and humor take on hues of a different nature. I've observed a woman's figure from afar at a music festival once, and was simply flattened by the incredible beauty of a female figure....flattened in a way far more intense than my normal appreciation for women's figures, which is quite high to begin with.

KC: So what's the scariest thing you've seen while under the influence of mushrooms?

GH: The naked truth behind some of my deepest and darkest fears, guilt, and shame and, if you are not experienced, you can be subject to a great loss of control of your own thoughts that can be very frightening and must be adequately dealt with in advance

KC: Give me a specific example. What was one of those naked truths for you?

GH: I came to terms with a relationship in which I was denying to myself how I really felt about things, and what I really wanted to do about it. Taken with caution, and validated separately through very sober and deliberate thought, shrooms can facilitate introspection and act as a "cut the bullshit, I'm your truth serum as to how you really feel about something."

KC: Do you find engaging in that level of introspection allows you to learn how to do it without the mushrooms eventually?

GH: Reliance on any drug is a pitfall and mistake. Occasional use for fun and introspection is beneficial, in my opinion. One should routinely develop the skills to be a deep thinker without the aid of anything but themselves and connection to the Divine

KC: OK, I'd like to shift gears here a little bit. What do guys REALLY talk about when they hang out?

GH: It really depends on the group of guys. I know groups of guys who want to talk about "banging chicks, and their brand new BMW", then I know guys like Mike who want to talk about everything from how they want to contribute to the world to every nuance of a DJ set, to how his hair looks like a Mon Chi Chi when he wakes up in the morning. Take a wild guess as to who I'd rather be with.

KC: What's the norm, though? I mean I'd really like to give guys credit and think the ones who talk about chicks and cars are few and far between.

GH: Between (ages) 13 and 30, I fear the opposite is true, especially in this country. There is a great amount of variation, depending on what culture you are talking about. It also depends on where one is at maturity-wise....you pick your friends based on what your needs and desires are....hopefully we all grow up over the continuum of our lives.

KC: If so many men are compelled to talk about women, what are they saying? Do they primarily talk about their latest conquest? And why are other men interested?

GH: The more immature guys are talking about conquests. The more evolved guys are talking about what it means to be in a relationship with a woman, and how it influences all facets of relationships, including emotions, sex, intellect, and the outside world. Other men are interested just like all humans are interested in each other; we don't want to go through life feeling alone.

KC: When it comes to interpersonal relationships, who do you think is more vulnerable--men or women?

GH: That depends entirely on situational factors in my opinion.

KC: What's your favorite kind of candy?

GH: Reese's Peanut butter cups. Go very well in ice cream. Ben and Jerrys.

KC: What's your take on the current presidential campaign?

GH: I think it is appropriately representative of a country that is deeply divided over what direction our country - a world power - should go in light of important crises that revolve around the resolution of how different countries and cultures are going to get along in a world of shrinking resources and environment. I'd be a happy man if GW was displaced from office. His tenure represents a strong set of opinions and ideals in this country, but fundamentally, we need to realise that they are misguided. The guy tries, but he really has the wrong idea.

KC: What do you think is the right idea?

GH: Every individual, country, and culture in this world needs to evolve beyond "taking care of our own". We need to extend ourselves, even risk ourselves to lead the world down the right path to being a member of the world citizen, not just a citizen of the country you were born in. The U.S. is in a unique position to lead this revolution. People just don't seem to get the fact that we are all connected as one. We fall to the delusion that we are separate.

KC: So has there really been any recent political candidate that impresses you as being able to guide the country in this manner?

GH: difficult to say. I will support Kerry because it is the most realistic candidate to enact a change in a positive direction. you have to start somewhere and young people need to get off their asses and vote?start caring.

KC: I find that interesting just because I don't view Kerry as a positive entity. He seems very willing to insult those who do not agree with his own political ideals and doesn't seem to care that unity isn't built by thumbing your nose at everyone else.

GH: I think that behavior is a product of our current political process, coupled with our media-addicted culture. I'm not saying he's perfect, but his baseline views and goals are better for our country's and world's long-term prospect.

KC: I'm curious to know if you and Mike talk politics.

GH: sometimes, yes.

KC: How do those conversations go?

GH: I'm a lot more familiar with his views on things interpersonal, rather than political. our conversations there are amicable, however I think we are a little different on how we would go about achieving the same goal. he's more conservative than I am.

KC: I see, do you mind if I ask your ethnicity?

GH: Caucasian.

KC: How do you view race relations in this country?

GH: they are evolving, but have a long way to go, and many socio-economic hurdles must be crossed. We're getting there though. I'd like to be positive about it.

KC: Oh, I almost forgot to ask you the most important question I had in mind: What is the size of your shvantz?

GH: you mean my shlong?

KC: Yes, my brother supplied the original term.

GH: about 71/2 inches on a good day.

KC: What do you think about loin-stirring?

GH: what is loin stirring?

KC: You know the loin, the shlong, the third arm. It's a phrase regularly employed in trashy romance novels.

GH: Well, I have a Loin, and to stir it would probably mean masturbation, which all men do. so I say rock on! Break out the Mental Rolodex and mashem'

KC: What percentage of women would you guess masturbate?

GH: not enough. but still probably pretty high. 75%.

KC: How do you come by that figure? Just a shot in the dark?

GH: I took a Psychology of Sex and Gender class in college. That and talking to women that I date I bet its a cultural thing though...lots of variety depending on where you are from. PS I'm running out of time here - have work deadlines. hope you understand.

KC: That's perfectly OK. Thanks for taking the time to talk with us. It's been real.

GH: Right on kathleen. Peace and happiness to you.

KC: Thanks. Bye.

April 01, 2004

Interview #1 Revisited

OK, we've got Angela, our first interview, back again to lament her sucky love life. She says she hasn't had sex in eight months and really wants to delve into what that means for her.

KC: So, Angela, tell us just how sucky you think your love life is.

AH: I think facts, numbers that is, express the truth in its most painful form--I haven't had sex in eight months. The last boy I kissed was for New Year's and he never wrote back. Granted, he was my ex-boyfriend's college friend who couldn't do anything more because my ex, who was still hung up on me, was dancing in the livingroom. So that's the last anything I got. And a measly hook-up in November. It's all I can think about. I'm revirginated. And now, there's this 21-year-old kid who I can't talk to and it's frustrating. Yes, I know I'm very attractive and fun and some people think I'm bitchy. I basically have the mind-wiring of a 15-year-old boy.

KC: I must point out that, ironically, Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" is playing right now.

AH: Why is that significant?

KC: It's about masturbating.

AH: Oh, I didn't know that. See that just goes to show you the affect Indiana has on me, I only started masturbating since I've been here.

KC: Only just started. Do you have tools?

AH: No, I don't. I'm worried I'll never leave my room. I like lips and I like to kiss, I like looking at another face. I like making someone fall in love me.

KC: I understand all of these things.

AH: And the best guys here, the most attractive ones, they're my good friends and I don't want to jeapordize that.

KC: I still think you just need to concentrate on getting the buddy NCMO hook-up. Just make an agreement with someone.

AH: The problem with my friends is that they are attractive, but I'm very particular about what I'm attracted to.

KC: When you're eyes are closed, the only thing that matters is how big their dick is.

AH: But I get aroused visually.

KC: Then imagine what you want while your eyes are closed and and let your fingers do the walking to get the tactile experience you're looking for. It's not as complicated as you're making it.

AH: Oh, I talked to a mutal friend about this boy and I said I can get a night out of it but my friend said I'm a diehard romantic, so I can do the seducing thing, but maybe I want more than a night or two.

KC: You know this also has a way of backfiring. What if he ends up really, really liking you?

AH: That would be excellent because it satisfies my ego as far as looks. And if he's smart and has eyes he should fall in love with me. I'm an older woman, I have a great resume, I have a cute personality, I dress well. Dude, I'm perfect. I don't understand.

KC: So what's your best trick in bed?

AH: Uh, that I'm there.

KC: That's not exactly what I'm talking about. Surely, you have some trick up your sleeve.

AH: Well, let's put it this way, we've all seen my appetite. I snore, I savor things, I'm loud and obnoxious. I am passionate. And I look really good when I'm aroused. I'm funny, I make them laugh. I have the whole exotic thing going for me. It's Indiana. I don't understand.

KC: Yeah, but can you make them blow a load while you're just looking at them at the coffee bar?

AH: See, I just feel so goofy, but I know that women have this looks, but I feel so goofy. But that's why I can't be smooth like that because when people do that I think you're so stupid because you are. The one strand of hope I have that he is interested is that he called me for coffee last week.

KC: You know, if you try to think about what is going on inside a guy's head too much, you're brain will explode. It's a known scientific fact. It's like trying to figure out where the circle begins and stops. It'll make you're brain explode. Do you consider yourself a modern, confident woman?

AH: Yes, but not with this boy. And Indiana has wrecked my self-esteem. I used to think I was the shit. I knew I was the shit at Harvard and San Francisco. Here I get asked if I live in China or I get asked out by high school drop-out stoners, or Serbian refugees, or middle-aged men with bleeding knuckles.

KC: But really, are you that concerned that people in Indiana can't properly appreciate you?

AH: Yeah, I feel different in the city and I had that one circumstance with the other grad student. It just threw me for a loop. I'm just used to more people pursuing me. I'm just a total mess about this senior who works in a coffee shop. I know my guy friends are really attracted to me. One told me I'd be afraid to date you because if I fell in love with you, you could fall in love with me, but I'd be afraid that you wouldn't love me the next day.

KC: Who said this?

AH: One of my guy friends Joel.

KC: So they purposefully keep themselves away from you emotionally?

AH: Yeah.

KC: Well they're just cowards.

AH: Well yes, and from the whole douchebag incident, these guys don't have any balls. Like you would have thought that if he really liked me and I was so aggressive, he could have me. And he was just had no balls. He made me feel like a predator. And now I worry with this coffee boy that maybe I am a predator.

KC: Why are you putting so much stock into a guy who was a major pussy? It's not worth so much.

AH: I know, but it's always the ones who don't want you that really fuck you up. Especially for me, I can take if you're not attracted to me, but if you are attracted to me you should fall in love with me because I'm hot and I'm smart and fun. I don't get it if I'm you're physical type. So my friends are worried I'm going to be a major slut or go for the first guy who shows interest because I've beed so deprived. And not to tout my own horn, but I think I'm getting better the older looking I get. (Burps.) Doesn't everyone like a drunk slut?

KC: I don't know. I am going to ask any of the guys who happen to read this to please comment in the space provided below.

AH: They need to see a picture of me so they know I'm not one of those girls who just thinks they're pretty. I just can't turn off my libido. I'm just bad at it.

KC: So you do want me to put your picture up?

AH: How would be do that? No, never mind.

KC: Anything else you want to say?

AH: How do I find more people attractive? I think that's my problem. I'm too narrow.

KC: I don't understand why you just can't have sex with someone you find marginally attractive but isn't your perfect type.

AH: I'm just very visual.

KC: I am. I'm going to buy you a blindfold and a motorized dildo with rotating head. Then you'll be able to think clearly.

AH: Why can't more people be creative like me? I don't know. I don't know. I should date older men. Oh, he just e-mailed me. Coffee boy just e-mailed back. He wants to know what's going on this weekend.

KC: Let me interview him.

AH: No!!!!!

KC: Why not? (I try to type out an addendum to Angela's e-mail and she physically restrains me.)

AH: Stop!!!!

KC: Just let me write the e-mail.

AH: No, STOP, STOP!!!! (Angela pushes me away.)

KC: OK, looks like we've got to wrap things up here because I'm freaking Angela out. Perhaps we can pick this up again next week.
(Angela's cellphone rings).

AH: Oh wait, this is the high school stoner boy, put this in the interview. (Angela answers phone) Hello, hello. Battery running low. OK, well that ends that. (Phone rings again.) Hello, hey what's up. Just doing work. I'm at the office but I'm just not working. Yeah, but I'm on campus. So I can't leave. Well, uuuuh. Well if you can get down here we can walk around here, otherwise, I'm here. My phone is dying so if you're coming you have to set up a time. My phone is dying. MY PHONE! I just have to be at a dinner at 5:30, so anytime before then. (Hangs up phone.)

KC: OK, we're officially wrapping in up for the day. Tune in next time when we hope to expose the trashy underside of Angela's weekend. See ya.