April 01, 2004

Interview #1 Revisited

OK, we've got Angela, our first interview, back again to lament her sucky love life. She says she hasn't had sex in eight months and really wants to delve into what that means for her.

KC: So, Angela, tell us just how sucky you think your love life is.

AH: I think facts, numbers that is, express the truth in its most painful form--I haven't had sex in eight months. The last boy I kissed was for New Year's and he never wrote back. Granted, he was my ex-boyfriend's college friend who couldn't do anything more because my ex, who was still hung up on me, was dancing in the livingroom. So that's the last anything I got. And a measly hook-up in November. It's all I can think about. I'm revirginated. And now, there's this 21-year-old kid who I can't talk to and it's frustrating. Yes, I know I'm very attractive and fun and some people think I'm bitchy. I basically have the mind-wiring of a 15-year-old boy.

KC: I must point out that, ironically, Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" is playing right now.

AH: Why is that significant?

KC: It's about masturbating.

AH: Oh, I didn't know that. See that just goes to show you the affect Indiana has on me, I only started masturbating since I've been here.

KC: Only just started. Do you have tools?

AH: No, I don't. I'm worried I'll never leave my room. I like lips and I like to kiss, I like looking at another face. I like making someone fall in love me.

KC: I understand all of these things.

AH: And the best guys here, the most attractive ones, they're my good friends and I don't want to jeapordize that.

KC: I still think you just need to concentrate on getting the buddy NCMO hook-up. Just make an agreement with someone.

AH: The problem with my friends is that they are attractive, but I'm very particular about what I'm attracted to.

KC: When you're eyes are closed, the only thing that matters is how big their dick is.

AH: But I get aroused visually.

KC: Then imagine what you want while your eyes are closed and and let your fingers do the walking to get the tactile experience you're looking for. It's not as complicated as you're making it.

AH: Oh, I talked to a mutal friend about this boy and I said I can get a night out of it but my friend said I'm a diehard romantic, so I can do the seducing thing, but maybe I want more than a night or two.

KC: You know this also has a way of backfiring. What if he ends up really, really liking you?

AH: That would be excellent because it satisfies my ego as far as looks. And if he's smart and has eyes he should fall in love with me. I'm an older woman, I have a great resume, I have a cute personality, I dress well. Dude, I'm perfect. I don't understand.

KC: So what's your best trick in bed?

AH: Uh, that I'm there.

KC: That's not exactly what I'm talking about. Surely, you have some trick up your sleeve.

AH: Well, let's put it this way, we've all seen my appetite. I snore, I savor things, I'm loud and obnoxious. I am passionate. And I look really good when I'm aroused. I'm funny, I make them laugh. I have the whole exotic thing going for me. It's Indiana. I don't understand.

KC: Yeah, but can you make them blow a load while you're just looking at them at the coffee bar?

AH: See, I just feel so goofy, but I know that women have this looks, but I feel so goofy. But that's why I can't be smooth like that because when people do that I think you're so stupid because you are. The one strand of hope I have that he is interested is that he called me for coffee last week.

KC: You know, if you try to think about what is going on inside a guy's head too much, you're brain will explode. It's a known scientific fact. It's like trying to figure out where the circle begins and stops. It'll make you're brain explode. Do you consider yourself a modern, confident woman?

AH: Yes, but not with this boy. And Indiana has wrecked my self-esteem. I used to think I was the shit. I knew I was the shit at Harvard and San Francisco. Here I get asked if I live in China or I get asked out by high school drop-out stoners, or Serbian refugees, or middle-aged men with bleeding knuckles.

KC: But really, are you that concerned that people in Indiana can't properly appreciate you?

AH: Yeah, I feel different in the city and I had that one circumstance with the other grad student. It just threw me for a loop. I'm just used to more people pursuing me. I'm just a total mess about this senior who works in a coffee shop. I know my guy friends are really attracted to me. One told me I'd be afraid to date you because if I fell in love with you, you could fall in love with me, but I'd be afraid that you wouldn't love me the next day.

KC: Who said this?

AH: One of my guy friends Joel.

KC: So they purposefully keep themselves away from you emotionally?

AH: Yeah.

KC: Well they're just cowards.

AH: Well yes, and from the whole douchebag incident, these guys don't have any balls. Like you would have thought that if he really liked me and I was so aggressive, he could have me. And he was just had no balls. He made me feel like a predator. And now I worry with this coffee boy that maybe I am a predator.

KC: Why are you putting so much stock into a guy who was a major pussy? It's not worth so much.

AH: I know, but it's always the ones who don't want you that really fuck you up. Especially for me, I can take if you're not attracted to me, but if you are attracted to me you should fall in love with me because I'm hot and I'm smart and fun. I don't get it if I'm you're physical type. So my friends are worried I'm going to be a major slut or go for the first guy who shows interest because I've beed so deprived. And not to tout my own horn, but I think I'm getting better the older looking I get. (Burps.) Doesn't everyone like a drunk slut?

KC: I don't know. I am going to ask any of the guys who happen to read this to please comment in the space provided below.

AH: They need to see a picture of me so they know I'm not one of those girls who just thinks they're pretty. I just can't turn off my libido. I'm just bad at it.

KC: So you do want me to put your picture up?

AH: How would be do that? No, never mind.

KC: Anything else you want to say?

AH: How do I find more people attractive? I think that's my problem. I'm too narrow.

KC: I don't understand why you just can't have sex with someone you find marginally attractive but isn't your perfect type.

AH: I'm just very visual.

KC: I am. I'm going to buy you a blindfold and a motorized dildo with rotating head. Then you'll be able to think clearly.

AH: Why can't more people be creative like me? I don't know. I don't know. I should date older men. Oh, he just e-mailed me. Coffee boy just e-mailed back. He wants to know what's going on this weekend.

KC: Let me interview him.

AH: No!!!!!

KC: Why not? (I try to type out an addendum to Angela's e-mail and she physically restrains me.)

AH: Stop!!!!

KC: Just let me write the e-mail.

AH: No, STOP, STOP!!!! (Angela pushes me away.)

KC: OK, looks like we've got to wrap things up here because I'm freaking Angela out. Perhaps we can pick this up again next week.
(Angela's cellphone rings).

AH: Oh wait, this is the high school stoner boy, put this in the interview. (Angela answers phone) Hello, hello. Battery running low. OK, well that ends that. (Phone rings again.) Hello, hey what's up. Just doing work. I'm at the office but I'm just not working. Yeah, but I'm on campus. So I can't leave. Well, uuuuh. Well if you can get down here we can walk around here, otherwise, I'm here. My phone is dying so if you're coming you have to set up a time. My phone is dying. MY PHONE! I just have to be at a dinner at 5:30, so anytime before then. (Hangs up phone.)

KC: OK, we're officially wrapping in up for the day. Tune in next time when we hope to expose the trashy underside of Angela's weekend. See ya.

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