Just checking in

Hey. Have you missed me? Yeah, I understand. Elephant Man opens tonight and runs for two weeks, so that's been taking up most of my time lately. It seems like we've been rehearsing this thing forever, so it's good to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of my cast mates will be baring it all for the scene where Mrs. Kendal disrobes for John Merrick. Well, not all, just her boobs, which is still a lot in my book. We talked about it last night at rehearsal and I told her I just wouldn't have the guts to do it. I'd make sure I had something covering my nipples like those silicone push-up things that stick to your tits so you don't have to wear a bra. Actually, I'd put big ole googly eyes on my nipples. But I definitely would not go nude. While I'm not frightened of doing most things that would draw attention to myself from the curious, I'm not an exhibitionist. The thought of being seen naked by strangers completely freaks me the hell out.

Daily affirmation

I am all that and a bag of chips. I know it. You know it. That's why you're afraid of me.


Glitter Graphics

Podcast episode 33

Went to Hooters last night for the first time to celebrate my friend Brian's 27th birthday. Lucky for you, I had my digital recorder with me to tape the madness that ensued--six minutes of madness, anyway. As always, it's raunchy and completely inappropriate, but that's why you guys love it, isn't it?

I still exist, at least in my own mind.

Just checking in with you for my once monthly (or less frequent) post. I've been busy with rehearsals for another show, which is always très sweet for me. Heading to the Michigan Renaissance Festival this weekend, and I am so going to get my roasted turkey leg on while we're there. This will be the first Renaissance fest for my daughter, and to say she's a little bit excited about it would be a MAJOR understatement. We'd originally planned on taking her to the Maryland Renaissance Festival over Labor Day weekend when I went to see my brother's new baby, but we couldn't take the extra day off it would have required because she had something special going on at school immediately following the holiday. So, the Michigan festival is the compromise. We're going to be going up with a couple of theatre friends of mine. My daughter is particularly fond of one of the women I do a lot of theatre stuff with and asked if she could come along. Being the gracious woman she is, my friend Seyhan agreed and is bringing her mother, as well. In preparation for this momentous event, I've been working on a costume for my daughter to wear because, dude, she HAS to have the proper attire. After going through a bunch of patterns I have, my daughter settled on a cloak, a vest, a billowy blouse, and a sash. She decided she'd wear these black, jersey gauchos she has (which she calls her elf pants because she thinks it's something an elf would wear) to complete her outfit. She also plans on taking a wooden staff she has from taekwondo days. I finished the cloak last week and will be feverishly trying to finish the rest of it this week. We have this week off from rehearsal, so I'm thinking it shouldn't be too much of a problem. I hope.

Me 2.0

K, so I went to Montana a few weeks ago and had my brother-in-law perform a mini-tummy tuck on me. I'm just about four weeks post-op. I've got to wear compression garments for another four weeks if I can stand it, and I can't exercise for another two weeks. With the type of procedure I had, the surgeon really only removes excess skin beneath the belly button and then stretches the heck out of the remaining skin to reattach at the pubic area. If I had to guess, I'd say the incision is about a foot long. A couple of things I've learned since having the operation is that it sucks recuperating from major surgery and the body takes a long damn time to heal.

Yesterday, I couldn't take it any longer and I got on my elliptical for about 15 minutes. I went very slowly and didn't use my arms. I broke a little bit of a sweat and it felt good. However, soon after exercising, I noticed a dull, throbbing pain at the incision site. You know how kids have to make their own mistakes, even when someone older and wiser tells them a certain course of action is a bad idea? Apparently, I'm still making my own mistakes. So I didn't get on the elliptical today. I'll wait the remaining two weeks, I think.

At any rate, this entire experience has me thinking about vanity and the extremes to which we're willing to go because of it. I had a big ole chunk of skin cut off my body in the name of vanity. That's kind of crazy, when you think about it. I haven't even mentioned yet that I also had two laser treatments on my face while I was in Montana. In plain language, I let someone burn the skin off my face with a laser……twice. I can now say I know what my burning flesh smells like. That's messed up by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm here to tell you I'd do it all again given the chance. Why? I don't know. I mean, I know it's because I didn't want that extra, saggy post-pregnancy skin on my stomach and I want to look younger than my age. But what I don't know is why those things are important to me. Some might say I'm succumbing to societal pressure, which is probably true to a certain extent. But, I'm really not the sort to care too much what society thinks of me. Ultimately, I think I've done these things because I want to appear as young on the outside as I feel on the inside. Still not a very rational reason for undergoing these procedures, but at least I wasn't crazy enough to pay for them. I'll take my self-mutilation for free, thank you.

Podcast #32

I'm here with my wubby Ed. He's moving to Alaska and leaving me to fend for myself in the wilds of South Bend. Will I survive? Who knows, but listen to our witty banter.

Coming down

Due to some problems with blood pressure I've been experiencing lately, my doctor is weaning me off my anti-depressant medication. I currently take Cymbalta and my doctor wants to see if it's contributing to the high measurements I've been getting. I've been on Cymbalta about a year and a half, I'd guess, and I was on Celexa about five years or so before that. So, if you do the math, I've been taking meds for depression and anxiety between six and seven years. Before going on medication, I suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life. I only finally started taking drugs when I realized my inability to control my moods might have an adverse effect on my daughter. Children can't understand that a parent yelling at them might not have anything in the world to actually do with them. I know what that's like on the receiving end, and I wasn't going to put her through a similar experience. At any rate, I'm a few days into the weaning process and I'm finding it an interesting experience. I find myself inexplicably confused at moments and then perfectly lucid. I've been experiencing some tingling in my hands and some brief moments of nausea. In fact, right at this moment I am finding it difficult to concentrate on what I'm writing. I can't even remember what prompted me to start typing this post.

I don't feel particularly bad about going off the meds because I've started thinking it might be good to detox anyway. How long should a person really be on drugs? I know it's about chemical imbalances in the brain and I don't feel embarrassed about taking medication, but sometimes I think it would be nice to function at a more organic level. Maybe I'm just curious to see if I'd be able to deal with my depression better now. I'm a little worried I might start having increased appetite because I think medication did control hunger to some extent. I guess I felt I just needed to document somewhere what's happening to me in case I seem really, really off to people for a little while.

How to say good-bye

A very good friend of mine just accepted a new job in Alaska and will be moving at the end of August. While I am ecstatically happy for him, I am bereft of joy for myself. He'll be making the shift from print journalism to broadcast, which is something he's been wanting to do for awhile. Like I said, I absolutely couldn't be happier for him and he is the sort of person who deserves every last stinking bit of good thing that comes his way. Not to mention, he's worked very, very hard and is very, very good at what he does. He's the sort of journalist I used to dream about being when I was in journalism school. So again, it's hard for me to put into words how proud and happy I feel for him. However, because I love him so much, the thought of him being a country away breaks my heart. What's interesting about this is that I've spent my entire life saying good-bye to people, and I'm very good at it. I can say so long and never look back. It's the sort of thing that comes part and parcel with growing up in a military family. But with Ed, I often find myself on the verge of tears when I think about him leaving. It's made odder still by the fact that modern technology makes it so easy to stay in touch with people in very real and immediate ways. We plan on keeping in touch through Skype and IM, so I could conceivably see him every day after he's left. Ultimately, what makes me think his impending departure so hard for me is that I think that maybe we occasionally meet people who are soul mates of a sort and we only feel complete when we can be with them. I only use the term soul mate for lack of a better term because our relationship is about as platonic as it's possible for a relationship to be. But knowing Ed has opened my mind and heart in more ways than I can count. He is a friend, a confidante, a shoulder, and a brother to me. I think maybe we knew each other in a past life. It's the only explanation I can come up with for how connected I feel to him. So, in the time I have left, I will try to create new memories to add to those I already have and I'll start planning my first trip to Alaska because nothing rocks more than going places you've never been.

Podcast, episode 31

You thought I'd abandoned you for Twitter, didn't you? Well, I kinda have, but I'll still be stopping by every now and again just to keep you guessing. Here's the latest episode of my podcast. I talk to a special friend I made on Twitter. See, Twitter is for friends. Anywho, give it a listen. As usual, it's worth your time.

It's May, so I should write somethng.

You know, life is such a strange journey. I'm not saying that because something weird in particular happened to me or anything. I'm just realizing you never know where you'll end up. I think so much lately about life and what I think I'm doing and where I think I'm going, and I don't know any of that any better than I did when I was 20. That's what's so weird about it. You'd think at this age, I'd have gotten smart about some things, but I haven't. It's just as confusing now as it's ever been. Most of the time, I feel like I'm sitting in a room looking out a window and wishing I was outside. I don't say that as a depressing thing, I say it because I'm tired of just looking. People talk about a mid-life crisis like it's a bad thing. I'm starting to wonder how much of mid-life crisis is about realizing you've got to make the most of the time you've got. Granted, some people take it too far, but I feel like I'm done with living my life by other people's rules. That's my mid-life crisis, I guess. I'm not content with standing on the sidelines anymore. I want to feel it and taste it and hold it and press it to my face and breath deeply. I'll worry about the rest of it later.