July 12, 2005

I Suck (figuratively, not literally)

You know, today I realized I am not all that. As you may have guessed from reading my blog, I'm pretty high on myself and I've always thought for good reason because I'm just so super-cool. But today, I realize it's time to take it down a notch in ways that count. One of my magazines came back from the printer today and they didn't run the ads. Although it was mentioned by one of my editors when we looked at proofs, I assured him that the ads would run because they always run and I always give instructions to run them. What I didn't do was ask the printer why there were no proofs for the ads in the first place. So now the magazine is here and there are no ads and it's obvious why there were no proofs--the printers never printed them up. However, the mistake is really mine and the reason it's mine is because I let pride keep me from doing my job the way I should have done it. This taste of humble pie is really unfamiliar to me and I don't like it at all. And what I've come to understand about myself in the last fifteen minutes is that I am one of those people I hate the most: the kind who thinks the world revolves around them. I've had a chip on my shoulder for awhile here at work and I've obviously let it interfere with the quality of my performance. Why do I have chip on my shoulder? Because I don't get paid enough. Because I resent one of the editor's attitude toward me, well all people really. Because I allow myself to believe I am somehow beyond reproach. The point is it doesn't really matter why I have a chip on my shoulder, the point is that I can't use it as an excuse for not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Anyway, today is a new day and I'm going to use this shame and regret in a positive way. I will accept criticism (if warranted) and instruction gracefully. I will not let my ego get in the way of seeing the forest for the trees. I am not going to automatically assume everyone around me is a complete fucking idiot unworthy of my respect or consideration. Obviously, I make mistakes and they're the kind of mistakes that really have no excuse because they're not done honestly. So today I say, "I suck and I know it and I'm not afraid of it anymore."

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