June 09, 2005

Official bad attitude day.

I don't know what it is, but I swear there really are days when you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm just pissy today and everything around me is just making me pissier. It's the kind of day where I just feel like I'm ready for someone to do the one little thing that will give me an excuse to bite their head off. Really, I'm walking around hoping someone does something stupid so I can go off on them. You know, that's just wrong. It's because I'm trapped in these offices. I'm sitting here just wishing I could be somewhere else doing something more productive. I'm ungrateful to whine because there are plenty of people who would change places with me in a heartbeat, but I'm just not me if I'm not slightly aggravated with something.

When I went jogging yesterday, one of my editors was walking around the track. It's the old, crazy editor who drives me nutty with his stupidly obvious e-mails and who didn't want his wife to go home to her sister's funeral because he was convinced she'd contract SARS and pass it on to him. I'm not making that up, by the way. Anyway, I just ignored him. I just acted like he wasn't there because if I was forced to interact with him, I would've been rude--even more rude than just ignoring him. I just can't pretend to be nice to people I don't like. I feel like I'm betraying myself when I do that. I know it makes people think I'm a bitch, but I don't care. I'd rather they think me an honest bitch than a false sweetie. I understand people have the prerogative to act any way they choose, and I have the prerogative to respond to them accordingly. What I don't like is people who treat others like shit and then expect that they should be treated with respect or kindness. I know if I were better person, I'd turn the other cheek, but I guess I'm just not a better person at the end of the day. As far as I'm concerned you should get what you give. That's probably not very Christian, but I've mentioned I'm already anticipating a healthy stay in Purgatory. But in some ways, this gets to the heart of what I was talking about yesterday, this compulsion to fill our lives with unimportant shit. How others conduct themselves really isn't important enough a thing for me to get riled up about, but I do and I spend lots of time thinking about it. It doesn't do me any good to do this. It doesn't change people for the better. It just weighs me down with stuff that really doesn't count and distracts me from what I should really focus on, which is how fortunate a life I lead. But there is just something in me that really bristles at the idea of letting people get away with thinking they're OK when they're not.

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