July 19, 2004

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

There's an ant walking on my window and I'm wondering if it's worth the trouble to get up and kill the little bastard. Oops, now I don't see it. Too late. My brother-in-law's mother passed away last week. I'm not particularly close to my brother-in-law. He's not a bad guy or anything. We're just in-laws, if you know what I'm talking about. At any rate, it's never easy when you lose a parent (not that I know from personal experience, thank God). His mother died of cancer. I'd only met her a couple of times, but she seemed to have a very sad life in that she always seemed to me to just be biding her time. I just can't imagine thinking life is so not worth the effort that you just simply exist. That's what her life was like. Sometimes I think now that the days of my life blur into one big haze, but what if that haze were filled with nothing more than getting up in the morning only to wait until it's time to go to sleep at night. My life's a haze because there's so much packed into it. Her life was a haze because there was nothing to fill it. There's, of course, a lot of background to the whole thing, but it'll take more time to explain than it's really worth. Let's just say she was as much to blame for the emptiness of her life as anyone else. All I know is that when I finally check out, I'd like to think people wake up the next day and realize something's different. I'd hope that my absence is as tangible as my presence.

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