September 16, 2004

Can someone tell me what it's all about?

My husband and I were lying in bed last night talking and discovered neither one of us knows what we're supposed to be doing. I'm 35, he's 41, and we still haven't figured out what we want to be when we grow up. That's jacked up. It makes me wonder does anyone ever hit that point where they think they're right where they're supposed to be in life? I am so restless lately. I feel something churning inside of me that wants to get out and I don't know what to do about it. I hate that feeling. I'd chalk it up to middle-age malaise, but I think I'm still too young for that. I'm still waiting for that big thing that's supposed to happen to me. I know I'm supposed to be famous, for sure. :-) But seriously, I am supposed to be famous. I think a lot about what life will be like for my daughter when she grows up and I'm concerned. I'm concerned about where this country is heading and whether or not people still know what's supposed to be important in life. People concentrate too much on material gains and don't pay enough attention to what's going on under their own roof. I'm afraid she'll be an adult in a world like Blade Runner or something, where everything is dark and desolate and overcrowded and dirty. Then I think about her children. I can't imagine what life will be like for her, so it's almost surreal to try and imagine my grandchildren's lives will be, and what kind of world they'll be forced to navigate.

I also find myself wondering about this human fiber. We have all this potential and don't seem to be able to figure out the best way to apply it. Following Marx's theories, we're headed toward socialism because we're right on track for reaching a state of ripe capitalism. It's at that stage, of course, when man is so isolated from himself and absorbed completely in the material world that the revolution will occur. I'm not much for Marx and I think any of those type of world-order theories tends to forget the essential human element. We're animals. We're driven to survive just like any other animal. People will never be content to sublimate individual gratification for the greater good, and that's our primary flaw. You look at all the socialist and communist societies. None of them operates under a communal willingness to share the wealth. The masses are forced to live that way by a select few. I don't know how I ended up on this line of thought from trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Anyway, I think someone should give me a talk show. I'd be good on a talk show. But I'd ask real questions. I wouldn't care if I insulted the guest or not. I'd get the real truth out of them, squeeze it out like the pulp from a lemon. That's what I want to be when I grow. A talk show host, no, really an interviewer. I'd be happy just sitting there interviewing people and making them reveal all their secrets.

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