September 08, 2004

Can I get that with a side of raunch?

K, I am so not into work today. Just found out that my brother has been suffering partial renal failure due to some medication he was taking for back problems. That's scary. Anyway, he was only taking it for about a week before he started feeling like crap and he's off them and already starting to feel better. It's just another reminder of how fleeting good health can be. One day you're fine and the next you're sicker than sin. I'm not be being nonchalant about this--it's really scary that something like that can happen. The thing about medicine, and that's medicine with a capital M, is that it's really just a big game of trial-and-error. People expect absolutes and they just don't exist. This is how medicine works: Oh, so you've got a problem with whats-in-whats. Well, it sounds like a case of whose-in-whats. Let's give this a try. Next week: Oh, that treatment didn't work? Well, then instead of whose-in-whats, you must be suffering from this-and-this. Let's give this a try. This goes on until you're symptoms are gone and then the doctor says, "Oh, well, I thought it might be that after all." Medicine is a crap shoot. Science is only as true as it is until they discover something else that's more true. And that's the way it is. Don't take this as a condemnation of the medical profession, because it's not. I think doctors would be the first to tell you the culprit is not always obvious and it takes time to figure it out. However, the layman thinks it's quick and simple and is disappointed when it's not. Of course, there are also a lot of doctors out there who really don't give a shit and are just looking for the path of least resistance rather than taking to time to really figure out the problem. They're not doctors in my mind, just hacks with a medical degree. Sad to say there are no requirements that you be moral or compassionate before becoming a doctor.

But I promised something dirty for you in my last post. I've got several stories that are pretty raunchy. I have a real appreciation for the lurid. Now, most of the stories I have are word-of-mouth kinds of things, but I like retelling them because they're either A.) Gross, B.) Hilarious, or C.) Will make the listener really, really uncomfortable. So with that...when I was in college, I was a little sister in a fraternity. When it was time for our initiation, my pledge class was told to supply a certain list of items. One of those items was a porn mag or our choosing. My roommate was already a little sister and told me they'd be asking for the magazine, so I immediately volunteered to get it. I figured the brothers asked for a porn mag because they figured it was an easy way to get an issue of Playboy or something. But that's not what I had in mind. I went to a newsstand that sold a solid collection of blue magazines. I chose one called Uncut, which is for gay, uncircumcised men. It was a very interesting magazine. What was most interesting was the readers' forum section where people could write in about their favorite sexual/erotic experiences. The one I llked best was written by a man explaining how he and his boyfriend had a completely new way to enjoy their foreskins. What they would do is stuff the foreskin with foodstuffs such as peanut butter or cream cheese or something of similar consistency and then eat it out from each other's dicks. Now, I thought this was totally hilarious. I laughed really hard and long on that one. But what makes this story particularly funny to me is that I then told my big brother (from the fraternity) about the letter one night at a party at the house and he very calmly looked at me and told me that I was never, NEVER, to ever tell him anything that gross again. Then he walked away. So that's raunchy story number one.

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