September 03, 2004

Breathe deep.

What is it about a shock to the system? Jesus, I can barely think straight, here. I am going to speak in code now because this post is more about my emotions than the specifics of what I'm talking about. Sometimes you find out something you never really thought you'd know. And it's shocking. I'm saying that because I think I am now freaking out. My heart is beating FAST, and I feel short of breath. I consider myself a pretty together kind of person. I don't freak out, not in the real sense. I've got a pretty tight rein on my emotions. Some people would go so far as to call me hard. But, every once in a blue moon, something happens that I don't expect (which is life after all) and my hold slips a little. The problem with these reality checks is that they force me to realize I am a fraud and that everything I put out there to the rest of the world is a farce and I'm not nearly in control of myself as I'd like to think I am. How do we ever really let go of the things that have hurt us? How do we ever really turn away from the disappointments in our lives and let them live in the past where they deserve to be? Somebody give me the answer to that one, will you?

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