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Podcast #25

My latest conversation with a new guest. We talk about gymnastics and make-out sessions.

Sigh

Well, we're back from DC. We got back yesterday afternoon. The funeral was nice for as far as something like that can be nice, I mean. We arrived at my parents' house Wednesday evening. My sister and parents weren't there as they were still in Baltimore having dinner after having spent the day finalizing funeral arrangements. When they did get home, it didn't take long until we were all arguing with each other over meaningless shit that always turns into yelling match with us. Basically, my mom thought my sister and I were trying to tell her she was wrong for feeling frustrated with my cousins (my uncle's children) because they didn't take any responsibility for helping with arrangements. My mom and aunt kept asking them for input and they wouldn't tell them anything or give them any help so my mom and aunt made the decisions and then when everything was set, my cousin complained about where they'd chosen to hold the viewing and funeral because he thought it was too far out.

At any rate, my sister and I were just telling our mom that she shouldn't be surprised because neither one of our cousins has ever had to be responsible for anything or assumed responsibility for anything as far as their father was concerned. Why expect it from them now? Not that we were excusing their behavior, but just stating that it's on par with how they've been their entire lives. At any rate, she flew off the handle saying we always treat her like she's stupid, and on and on. It didn't take me long to figure she was just spent from all the running around and felt like taking out her frustrations on someone, but when I told her to stop she just kept screaming at us and then I lost it and told her I was I was tired of it and slammed my hand into the table, and then that really set her off. My reaction wasn't the best, but I am really tired of her always trying to turn an argument around by claiming my siblings and I just think she's stupid and we don't have any respect for her, which isn't the case at all, but she doesn't want to believe us when we tell her it's not true and I don't see the point of wasting energy on the same old shit anymore. You can only bang your head into a wall for so long before you realize nothing's happening other than you end up with a headache. Plus, I couldn't believe we were all sitting around yelling at each other considering why we were all there.

Like I said, I know she was tired and sad and wanted to vent, but I'm a cold-hearted bitch and I'm no one's whipping boy. What are you gonna do? Once that business had exhausted itself, we all went to bed for what amounted to a two-hour nap before we had to wake up to get ready to head to Baltimore for the viewing. We had to get on the road at 5 a.m. to beat rush hour traffic so we could be there by 9:00 a.m. The viewing lasted until 1:00, and then we headed to the church for the funeral mass at 2:00. My sister and I did the readings for that, and an honor guard came at the end to present the flag because my uncle had served in the Army when he was young. Everyone lost it when the played Taps. For me, it was more sad because I realized that's how we'll be ending my father's funeral one day. After mass, we all headed to my aunt's house for food and drink. We didn't get back to parents' house until 8:00 or 9:00 that night. I slept until 11:00 the next morning, which I couldn't believe. I really can't remember the last time I slept that long, but we were all so beat.

There was an open casket at the viewing and seeing my uncle was truly wrenching. He shot himself under the chin, so his face wasn't disfigured or anything, but seeing him lie in his coffin was sad beyond words. Knowing a person and then just seeing the shell of them empty of everything that made them the person they were is just a sad, sad thing. At any rate, we're home now, and I guess more than anything being back in the swing of things just shows how life marches along despite everything and all we can do is march along with it.

It's just another day

It's about 5:00 a.m. and I can't sleep. The clock is set to go off in another hour and then my husband, daughter and I will start getting ready to hit the road to DC to attend my uncle's funeral. My uncle took his life Monday evening. It might be incredibly tacky for me to be writing about this, but I can't help it because I am sadder than I've probably ever been in my life because of this. My Uncle Buck is my father's youngest sibling and for whatever reason, he gave up hope. While I'm heartbroken that he felt he had no other options, I'm mostly torn up by the fact that both my aunt (my father's sister) and my father had to see him lying dead before his body could be taken away.

From what I know, my uncle called my aunt Monday and told her he was going to kill himself. My aunt only lives about seven minutes away from him, but by the time she got to his apartment, he'd already shot himself. She immediately called my father who got there as quickly as he could. He lives about an hour and a half away from them. So they were both present when the coroner came to take away my uncle's body. My sister flew into DC yesterday. Well, really today, because she only arrived around midnight. The funeral is Thursday. The terrible thing about suicide is no one can really know why a person decides that the love they have for all the people in their life just isn't enough to help them want to see the next day. My uncle has been suffering health and emotional problems for a few years now. Are those the reasons he gave up? I don't know. I can only guess that's part of it. All I know is that right now my heart is heavy with sorrow and I can only hope he's finally free of the demons that tormented him. Sleep well, Uncle Buck. I love you.