Those were the days.

I was lying in bed last night thinking about Cheez-Its when I started reminiscing about my fraternity initiation night in college. As I've mentioned before, I was a little sister in a fraternity. I chose to do this rather than join a sorority because I don't like bitchy, rich girls. Not that I'm generalizing sorority types or anything. But I'm not prissy and I occasionally enjoy the humor of watching boys trying to light their farts. Plus, it costs way less to pay the social dues as a little sister than to pay soroity social dues, and why would I pay more for beer than I need to? I told you I don't like wasting money.

So, what do Cheez-Its have to do with initiation night, you ask? Well, we had one brother in particular who was a complete ass. None of us gals really liked him and our nickname for him was Cheesedick. So as a special thank-you gift for him, we carved a dick from a huge block of Velveeta and presented it to him that evening. We thought it was hilarious. So did the other brothers, but as I mentioned he was an ass, and he didn't see the humor at all and pouted the rest of the evening.

Once I started thinking about that night, I started thinking more specifically about the Velveeta cheese dick. It was harder to carve than one might think because it was kind of too soft. It didn't really want to hold the shape very well and it would break off in unexpected ways. It would have been really cool if we could have made it look really realistic, but all we had was a dull butter knife and it only ended up suggesting a penis rather than truly recreating one. We should have thought it out a little better and maybe have gotten some pottery tools, the kind you use when you're shaping the clay. I bet we could've done a pretty good job. Then we could have been really creative and gotten a can of Cheese Whiz and squirted some at the tip to look like splooge dribbling out. What was the fate of the cheese dick? The other brothers ended up taking huge chunks of it and seeing who could eat the biggest piece. This all happened after they'd gotten drunk and gross flecks of dirt ended up sticking to the Velveeta. It was pretty sick to watch, but I guess boys will be boys.