If I've heard of him, why haven't they?

I just finished watching America's Got Talent with my husband and I'm really confused about somethihng. One of the acts was a man named Thoth, like the Egyptian god, who is performance artist who plays violin, dances, and sings in New York. As soon as I saw him, I asked my husband, "Isn't that the guy who plays the violin and stuff outside of subway stations and stuff?" He didn't know what I was talking about (which isn't really unusual), but I knew I'd seen something about Thoth before. And then I remembered that there was documentary or something made about him once. What confuses me, is that the judges didn't seem to recogonize him as anything more than one of the other anonymous acts that tried their shot at making it to Las Vegas. They voted him off, but made comments that suggested they didn't know him from Adam. Anyway, I was pretty sure this guy had made a blip on the radar at one time, so I jumped on the computer and did a Google search, and, sure enough, I found information on the documentary, which is appropriately titled, "Thoth." And then I read that it had won the Oscar for best documentary, short subject, and that's when it all came back because I remember watching the Oscars when it won the award, and Thoth was there and the filmmakers had him come up on stage with them. So, if I can remember all of that from five years ago, why didn't the judges recognize him? I'm not necessarily saying he should have been pushed to the next round, but you'd think they remember the subject of an Oscar-winning documentary. I remembered and I'm just a regular person.

Good Cop, Bad Cop

Baby Pearl's next and, apparently, last appearance with Will Ferrell.



I still think the first one was funnier.

OK, this is impressive

Watch this kid tie his shoe without touching the shoelaces.

Stop the madness

Mistake number one: buying a four pound bag of salt water taffy from Sam's Club.

Mistake number two: bringing home the left-over salt water taffy not consumed by cast and crew.

Mistake number three: eating enough salt water taffy to make me feel like I'm going to blow chunks.

What's the madness? I could definitely eat more.

Practice makes perfect

So we met last night to practice songs for the gala on Friday night and we pretty much decided not to make things too complicated for ourselves. We agreed that Ed and I would sing our song from Zombies and then one extra each from other shows. I'm going to learn Big Spender from Sweet Charity and Ed is going to learn Mr. Cellophane from Chicago. He sounded really, really good singing it last night. We practiced in the Masonic Temple, which is where the gala is being held and after we finished, I wanted to explore and find what kind of secret torture devices they had hanging around, but Ed wouldn't let me because he's principled and all that. So that was a drag. I know there's some kind of freaky shit in there.

I have completely lost track of time without my daughter being here. She's currently visiting my parents in DC and I really can't keep the day straight. It just goes to show you what an endless monotony my life would be without her in it. Well, it goes to show me, anyhow. I spoke to my daughter on the phone last night because they had all gone to Virginia Beach for the weekend and I wanted to find out how it went. They had loads of fun and she told me they are going to Hershey Park this weekend. She told me her chocolate senses are already tingling.

The show is over.

So we closed yesterday, which is good. The run didn't turn out too badly because a couple of friends of mine from Zombies were working stage crew, so I had people to hang with during the show. I only appeared in the last act of thet play, so I had a lot of time on my hands. There was one new kid who volunteered for crew and he has one of the most toxic personalities I've ever encountered in my life. You just knew every night, at some point, he was going to be in the middle of an argument with someone and it was definitely the last thing any of us wanted to have to deal with while trying to keep track of what was going on on stage. However, things usually have a way of balancing and although I was introduced to a person I never want to see again, I also got to meet one of the other Civic veterans for the first time, and he is hilarious, and I defintely hope I get to work with him again. I actually saw him perform before meeting him, and he's good. He's also just a sweet guy. I'd like to say I get a break now, but I now have to start practicing for this theatre gala thing that I've been asked to perform for. I'm doing it with my friend Ed from Zombies, but it's this Friday and we're only rehearsing for the first time tonight. So this should be an experience.

I'm a dirty whore.

At least that's what people are probably thinking when they see the huge ass cold sore on my lip. I don't know what it is about plays and cold sores, but so far this year, I'm two for two.
OK, that's not my actual cold sore, but the one I have is about that big. We have to rehearse tonight; although, I don't know why. We know our parts and I don't think we forgot anything in the two days we had off. And then we're supposed to actually dress for it. I don't know, maybe I'll put on my apron if I'm willing to be cooperative. And, yes, I know I'm bitching, but I'm allowed to bitch because I have a huge, freaking cold sore on my lip. I put the a seed of hopefulness in my daughter's head when she went to DC to hang with the rents. I told her my brother (her uncle) was thinking about buying a Wii and maybe she could convince him so she could play with it. Anyway, my brother told me after she said hi to him on the phone last night, she immediately proceeded to inform him that she's be more than willing to play it with him. He told her he wasn't buying one because he just bought a laptop (which wasn't even a mac, dork), so those dreams are dashed. Poor kid. Buy the freaking Wii, Mike. Give the kid a little joy in life.

mental health day

I'm taking a mental health day. I'm just wiped out and need a break. The kid is off with the rents for a couple of weeks, which is nice, but it gets awfully quiet when she's not around. I usually make it about a week and a half before I really start missing her. The show opened this weekend and it got a good review; although, I got a sucky review. You'd think five minutes on stage would go more unnoticed. But what are you going to do? People are entitled to their opinions and in this case, it was just my misfortune that one of the nay-sayers got to write an article about it. But that's life. Or perhaps I should say, c'est la vie. Anyway, I went and watched Knocked Up over the weekend with a friend and that movie was hilarious. I mean, HILARIOUS. For those of you who don't know, it was written and directed by the same guy who did 40-year-old Virgin, and I thought it was just as funny as that film. I love, though, how we can now have sort of "normal schlubs" as heroes movies, but the girl in question still has to be thin and beautiful. I want a movie about a normal looking, normal sized woman who gets Brad Pitt or someone like that. So someone go out and make that movie for me, will ya? P.S. I think Paul Rudd is just marvelous. Not specifically in Knocked Up, but in general.

Please let it be over.

The show opens Friday and, let me tell you, this show can't be done with soon enough as far as I'm concerned. The only good part about being involved in this entire thing is that I get to hang out with my friend Melanie. They didn't even bother to make sure they had the right person listed for my part in the promotional postcards they sent out. I assume the girl on the flyers is the girl originally cast, but I don't know. It's not that big of deal because I really don't care in the whole scheme of things, but it's kind of a prime statement on the nature of the people running this production. The only thing about it that kind of pisses me off, is that one of the directors said to me tonight in a really off-handed, not really concerned manner, "Oh, sorry about the name being all wrong on the postcard." Those things got mailed out two weeks ago and this is the first time they've even bothered acknowledging the mistake. I'm like, please don't waste your breath because it's obvious you could give two fucks. Don't insult my intelligence by even pretending to care. It is the most uncomfortable show I've ever been in. The directors are not warm people and they don't do much to create any sort of team environment. Let's just say, if I was doing trust exercises with one of those two, I'd let them hit the ground like a sack of shit. I hope this all doesn't sound too vitriolic because it might suggest that I care that they're shits, which I don't. It's just sort of a statement of events as they've happened. I pretty much respond to people the way they act, which is all very straight forward and simple. Oh, one thing did surprise me though, one of them actually called me by my name, not my character's name, and I was amazed that they even knew what my name is because it was the first time I'd ever heard either of them use it.

By the way, this is the photo they're going to use for the lobby. I hate it, but I usually hate my picture.

I confess

I am totally addicted to this desert sort of thing I've been eating since I started doing the weight watchers. I take sugar free/fat free jello pudding, mix in All Bran bran buds and top it with Cool Whip free. It is freaking awesome. I don't really know how many points it is, but I know it's not much because the cool whip is zero points, the pudding is a couple points, I think, and the cereal is one or two points, something like that. It's so good, plus it's got plenty of fiber, which is always good. Another yummy breakfast I've been doing is the McCann's instant oatmeal with fat free Smart Start margarine and some splenda brown sugar mix. That's only like two or three points a serving and it's really filling. I ate not so great over the weekend because we had a bbq and I had to give some advice over sangria to one of my castmates about this dickwad guy in her life who's making her miserable. And, of course, with the sangria, I had to eat the chips and salsa. Salsa is not a problem, but the chips are. So, it's back to the plan. I don't really know if I've lost much weight because I don't weigh myself because I know I'll be depressed by whatever the number says, but I do feel less bogged down and bloated, so that's good.

Help me

There are at least two wasps or hornets flying around my office right now and I'm scared. Really, really scared. OK, maybe only really scared, but I know one of those S.O.B.s is going to come dive-bomb me any second. One is buzzing the florescent lighting above my head and the sound is making me want to scream. I called building maintenance and asked them to send up someone with bug spray, but they still haven't shown up. Typical. What's really weirding me out is the fact that if there are two, there's probably a nest or something in here. (uncontrolled sobbing) Someone please come and help me. NOW! OMG. One just flew right in front of my face. Where's the bug spray guy? Where's the bug spray guy? I feel like I'm in some kind of horror movie.

SOS (same old shit)

These play rehearsals just get more interesting every time I show up. Last night we were all sitting around during a break, just talking about random crap, when the director says, "My worst nightmare was being trapped on an elevator with four kor...mumble, mumble."

And I asked, "Trapped with four what?"

"Four Koreans, the smell of garlic was terrible. They eat a lot of garlic, you know."

And I said, "Oh, I know. I'm half Korean."

Then everyone just sat in uncomfortable silence for awhile before the director came over to where I was sitting and tried to have a nonchalant sort of conversation about his experience with Koreans. In my mind, I'm thinking, just stop talking. You're not making things better at this point. Anyway, so I sat there and listened to his talk while he tried to explain that he didn't think it was the people that smelled, but just the garlic that they ate. Whatever. At moments like this, you can only really laugh about it because people are fucking stupid.

There are better things I could be doing.

I had to get my picture taken tonight for the play. They put up the cast's photos in the lobby so people can see what you really look like. The best part of the entire thing is that it didn't take long. I really don't like having my picture taken because I never feel like I can look natural in them. I always feel self-conscious about smiling, mainly because my teeth are crooked. I really don't like my teeth at all and once I'm done fixing my daughter's teeth, I'm getting mine straightened out. But that's going to be awhile. Anyway, I didn't like any of the photos the guy took, but what are you going to do? I usually try to do a stupid face in photos because at least that way I'm looking stupid on purpose instead of just looking stupid in my natural state.

They seriously taste like grapes.

So I picked up a pack of grapples yesterday at the supermarket, and they actually taste like grapes. It's amazing. I don't know what kind of voodoo genetic research those apple farmers are doing, but I approve. I highly recommend you pick some up for yourself. If you're unfamiliar with the grapple, it's fruit that looks like an apple and tastes like a grape. They're really nice and sweet.

Homey don't play that.

So I had my first rehearsal last night with the new play. As it turns out, all my lines are in French, which is fine since there really aren't that many lines to begin with. I think I'm going to get a friend of mine to hook me up with one of the French instructors in the language department so I can record them speaking the lines so I get the pronunciation down correctly. Other than that, everyone seems OK, except for this one chick who rubbed me the wrong way. Durning a break, the other cast memebers were asking her about an interview she had and it was obvious it was an interview with a university or college somewhere, so I asked which school it was. It was someplace I've never heard of before. And then I asked what she teaches, and she responds in a really snotty way, "Theatre, isn't it obvious?" And I said, "Um, yeah, no, sorry." And then the other people sort of laughed uncomfortably and this one guy said she was joking, so I threw my script on the floor and pretended to storm out and said, "Fine. I'm outta here." Then the director said, "Oh no, we've lost another Louise." Anyway, after I was done messing around, I came back to sit in my seat and this girl said, "Yeah, I can be a diva." And I told her, "Sweetheart, you haven't seen diva yet. You've only just met me." Anyway, we'll see if my first impression of her holds up. For all I know, she could be the sweetest person in the world, but I'm not going to be holding my breath or anything.

That was short.

Well, it seems I'll be back on stage sooner than I thought. I've just accepted the role of the french maid in the civic theatre's upcoming production of Private Lives. One of my castmates from Zombies asked if I knew French and I said I knew some since I'd studied it for four years. I said I'd really only be interested if it were a small role that didn't require a lot of rehearsal time on my part, so the director called me and I said I'd do it. The person they originally cast apparently bailed, so they needed someone tout de suite. Anyway, I'm excited about it. It should be fun and not nearly as hectic as the last show, which is good for now.

Can I just say that I am pissed?

So my insurance won't pay for the recent round of HPV vaccinations I started for my daughter. Apparently, since it's not a state-mandated vaccination, they won't cough up the dough. I find this infuriating, especially since they will pay for viagra. Helping prevent cervical cancer in girls is apparently not as important as helping old men get their willies up. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised. Nothing is more tragic than some old geezer not being able to get his freak on. Not even a woman dying of a form of cancer that is nearly preventable now.

My stomach hurts

I don't know what's going on, but my stomach hurts and I feel like I'm going to puke. My head feels dizzy, too. I was sitting here, innocently drinking my coffee when I just didn't feel well at all. I don't know if I'm actually going to puke, but I'm going to prepare for a mad dash to the bathroom just in case. Mother's Day was pretty good. My husband and I went to watch a play at the civic theatre and he bought me stuff at Sephora, which is always nice. The play was good; although, a couple of the actors didn't quite live up to the script. It was better than I expected, though, because the paper had given it a really bad review. The kids are off, so it's basically the start of summer here on campus, which means I get to sit in my office all by myself and stare out the window. Good times, good times.

There's a spider crawling on my wall, but I'm too lazy to get up and kill it.

Bear with me

My dog has diarrhea and I stepped in shit twice this morning, but that still doesn't compare to the animal problem my sister had yesterday. Take a look a these pictures.







In case you were wondering, that is bear shit on the back seat. I'm not completely sure about what happened, but it looks like a bear climbed into my brother-in-law's truck and demolished it before game wardens and deputies and everyone else in the state of Montana were able to get it out.

Super freaky

Watch this.