Shoot me now.

Have I mentioned before how much I hate Indiana and snow? I think I have. We might have a blizzard later today. I'm really excited. Until the blizzard hits, we're happily occupied with the subzero temperatures and endless lake effect snow. I may or may not have rehearsal depending on the weather later in the day.

My daughter had some kids over on Sunday to go sledding and one of the boys she invited couldn't come because he's a bit sick, so his mother asked if my daughter could come over to their house this Friday for a playdate to makeup for her son not being able to make the sledding day. I told her that would have been great but that my husband was planning on taking our daughter on a zoo tour of several cities while they had the long weekend. So that was that. When I got off the phone I told my daughter how her friend's mother had wanted her to come over but a playdate but that she couldn't. So then my daughter says, "But I really don't want to go on the zoo tour because with the weather it's probably not going to be any fun." I told her that was something she had to discuss with her father. So she goes to my husband and says, "Dad, I really don't think it's a good idea to go on the zoo tour this weekend because the weather is bad and everything. You don't mind, do you?"

My husband, I could tell, was little disappointed with this and said they didn't have to go, but he thought it was something that she would really enjoy. She went into logic mode and said that she would if the weather were better and that they'll only be able to see inside exhibits. She then took him by the hand and asked him to join her in a private conversation. When they came back, she asked me to call her friend's mother and see if she could still go on the playdate. My husband sat down and said, "I've just been stood up for a nine-year-old." So it begins.

So cold, so very cold.

K, so it's been colder than a Yeti's testicles here in at the crossroads of America. My daughter's school was closed down Monday and Tuesday because the temperatures were so low. We were experiencing windchills of about -25 degrees. According to doctors, exposed skin can freeze solid in about 15 minutes at those temperatures. So pretty much everyone cancelled school. It was fine for the kids, but that meant I had to take her to work with me, which is fine for the most part, but I usually end up being somewhat distracted by her. Luckily, she likes hanging out under my desk because she thinks it like a cave or something and I can almost forget she's there at times. She'll periodically stick her head out, like when I feed her or something like that. What I find interesting is that while all the secondary schools closed down, the university stayed open. Obviously, they didn't care about the health and welfare of the kids who have to walk all over campus to get to class. So a co-ed loses a nose, it could be worse. Anyway, it's starting to warm up a little, and by a little we're currently at 13 degrees, which is practically subtropical compared to what we have been living with over the last few days.

And while we're talking about crazy, what the hell is the deal with that astronaut lady? Who puts on Depends so they don't have to stop at the bathroom. I think that's the craziest part of the entire story. But you know, astronauts are trained to just pee in their suits, I think because it can be awhile before you can detach yourself from your seat to go use the toilet like during take-off and stuff. I personally think it would be hard to make myself pee while I was sitting in the car just because we're so conditioned to not pee anywhere but the toilet. That's unless you're a guy, of course. Then it's probably not hard at all.

Bow down before my magnificence!

So, I have gotten "official word" and I'll be playing the part of Charlene in the South Bend Civic Theatre production of Zombies from the Beyond. I'm pretty stoked. I haven't done a play in 20 years and I can't wait. I think it's going to be awesome fun.

I have a secret.

I just found out something that is making me very excited, but I can't say anything about it because I'm not supposed to know. I'll fill you in as soon as I get official word, because until I get official word, I don't know for sure that I have something to be excited about, if you know what I mean. So, I'll keep you posted. Keep your fingers crossed.

P.S. Damn, is it February already?

Curtain time.

OK, OK, I can take a hint. But if this post isn't wildly exciting, you can't blame me. As my brother mentioned, I'm auditioning for a musical tonight called "Zombies from the Beyond" at our local civic theatre. I haven't been in a play since high school, so this should be an interesting experience. I've been preparing by practising the dance number from the Thriller video and I think I'm a sure thing. Another thing I've been working on is spontaneously forcing my left eyeball to pop out of its socket so that it's hanging out by the optic nerve. It's a pretty cool effect and I figure there aren't going to be too many people who can pull that one off. I'm in like flint, as they like to say.

The thing that has been keeping me from posting lately is my daughter's new iPod. My parents got her a 30 GB video iPod for Christmas and I've been obsessed with seeing how much stuff I can get on that thing. I can't stop. I feel like I have to put something new on it everyday. My brother thinks I have a problem, but, seriously, so far I've put like six movies, a dozen schoolhouse rocks videos, over 200 songs, about ten audiobooks, and God knows what else, and there's still something like 23 GB of memory on this thing. It's amazing. I feel like I will never be able to fill it up. At first I thought it was a bit of overkill because my daughter's only nine and that it was just too much technology for someone that young, but she loves it. She spends more time on the iPod then she used to spend with her DS, so that must mean something.

When will my sister learn!

Her Blog is for my pleasure! and to provide me with reading enjoyment she must post interesting witty and generally stimulating posts to this blog EVERY day! and they can't all be about my dog's bug squeezings because those are old hat for me now. Did all you people know about try outs for the play? I think thats interesting! I'd like to know her method! how she'll "Become" a zombie etc. Or hand feeding the dog thats an interesting topic. Come on now throw us a bone would ya!

Podcast #19

Shits and giggles abound as we discuss matching boxer shorts, among other things.


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It's Mookie's birthday

Today is my dog Mookie's first birthday. She had a party at doggy daycare yesterday and, by all accounts, the dogs had a marvelous time. Mookie chowed down on her birthday cake with great enthusiasum, I am told. Anyway, yay for Mookie. OK, I have this thumb nail which is my picking nail and I've managed to pick it halfway down. I've never gotten that far down to the quick with a nail and it's pretty gross looking, but I can make myself stop picking it because I kind of switched to picking from biting my nails. Obviously, something had to be done, though, so I put a fake acrylic nail on it. It looks pretty out of place with the rest of the fingers on my hand because I didn't do anything with the other nails. But, seriously, I had to do something because I was heading into dangerous territory with the nail destruction. I got it down so far that I started to have a morbid curiousity about how far down I could get it. Would it be possible for me to actually pick the entire thing off? I figure once you start wondering shit like that, having a mutant looking fake nail on my thumb isn't so bad.

Don't try this at home.

Most of the time, I'm brilliant. But I must admit that even I sometimes have a bad idea. To wit, I made myself a cup of Land O Lakes luxury hot chocolate, which has pieces of real chocolate in it. This is a fine thing, but I usually end up with all the pieces kind of semi-melted at the bottom of my cup. So today I looked down at those mushy bits and thought, "Hey, why don't I pour some hot water in here and see if I can get it to dissolve all the way?" This little experiment might have actually worked if I bothered to put hot water in the mug, but since I'm lazy and don't judge the passing of time well, I poured some water from the hot pot I'd used to make my hot chocolate in the first place, only to find out when I tried to taste my new chocolatey treat that the water wasn't hot anymore and that the final product was cold and very thin in taste. Which means it was gross. Also, it didn't really melt the chocolate pieces at all. Guess I'll have to just stick to sliding the chocolate into my mouth with a swizzle stick.

Damn

I cannot get back into the swing of things. My husband is home dry-heaving right now. My brother witnessed an actual dog butt-milking. My daughter has only been back to school one day and she is already complaining that one of her friends is trying to steal another one of her friends. It seems that everyone else has had no problem getting back to business as usual. I've been sitting here wondering why I keep smelling this sweet, fruity scent and then I finally realized it's my deodorant. Actually, it's my daughter's deodorant. I couldn't find mine this morning so I used hers and it smells like strawberries. Now that that mystery is solved, I can feel like I really accomplished something today. I am experiencing some post-nasal drip at this very second. Hold on, I've got to go get some tissue. OK, I'm back. I was gone longer than expected because I decided to use the restroom while I was there.

I only just realized.

I was in the process of switching over to this "new" Blogger and found a bunch of comments people had left that were waiting to be moderated, whatever the hell that means. I'm sorry for those of you who left comments and never heard anything back about them. I didn't know. I didn't know. Anyway, thanks for all of you who did leave comments and hopefully, I'll be more aware in the future.

It's the girls' turn.

Not as funny as the original, but everyone gets equal time here.

I'm stupid and fat, but Merry Christmas

I made the big mistake of not only stepping on a scale last night, but also actually looking at it. Now I'm completely grossed out with myself. Well, all I can do is get back on track with exercise and diet. I know part of the reason for the weight gain is that I haven't been able to exercise at my normal level because of the knee injury, but I've also been eating a lot of junk lately. Anyway, things are getting back to normal because I'm pretty much disgusted at this moment. On a happier note, this is my last day at work until after New Year's, so here's to wishing all of you the best of the holiday season.

Hate me if you want to

OK, it's completely crude and vulgar, but it's also hilarious. I mean, really hilarious. So, watch it now.

So you think you are cool

My sister thinks she is super cool and sneeky. In reality she isn't she posted something to my blog wondering how long it would take for me to find it. I find it immediately! I have ways of knowing what you are doing! I can shoot bullets with my mind! that called telekenisis! I'm everywhere yet no where! On another note taking the dog to get her butt milked again today so that will be fun. I'll be sure to bring some tupperware to put the juice in for my sister so she can examine it with her daughter's microscope or something.

Hiya! rock and roll a one time!

Christmas so far

I'm really behind in a lot of things. I've only just sent my sister's presents out and I got my cards in the mail yesterday. I used to be so organized. I'd have the cards addressed and ready to go by Dec. 1. Every year, I'm a little less prepared than the year before. What's that about. I'm still working on the paint job in my daughter's room that I started Thanksgiving weekend. I just cannot get my shit together very well. We tried to get a new water heater, but when the guy came yesterday to install the one we'd gotten from Lowe's, he found out it was too tall for the venting system and that, in fact, the way our venting pipe was angled downward poses a carbon monoxide poisoning hazard. We've had the current water heater for about five years, so I was mad that the people who installed that one never bothered to mention the venting problem. Jackasses obviously didn't care if my family never woke up. Anyway, our basement is pretty drafty and it has been five years and we haven't had a problem, but now we have to order a different heater and that meant cancelling the order from Lowe's because they didn't have what we needed or wanted. I originally ordered a fifty-gallon heater with a self-cleaning feature and Lowe's didn't have one that was short enough to put the vent pipe at a safer angle, but the guy tried to sell me a forty-gallon without a self-cleaning feature, which is basically what we have right now. I asked him why I would spend money on something that's not at all what I want. Anyway, that's just one little snipet of Christmas so far.

Good Stuff

I got this e-mail from my dad. It's supposedly written by Ben Stein. I don't know if it is or isn't, but I think it's worth reading, regardless.

Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my beating heart:

I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is, either, and I do not care at all about Tom Cruise's wife.

Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are. Is this what it means to be no longer young. It's not so bad.

Next confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

What a tangled web we weave...

While my daughter and I were brushing our teeth this morning, she asked me, "Mom, you want to play with my DS today, right?"

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe, why?" (I've never played with my daughter's Nintendo DS until very recently because she received a game that has solitaire on it and I've been playing that.)

"Well, if I can't play with my DS, that's means you can't play with my DS, and you want to play with my DS, right?" she asked again.

"I don't know." I replied. I was a little confused about this line of conversation because I had no idea where it was going.

"Just remember," she said, "if dad asks if I wore my retainer last night, tell him I did."

What is he doing?

White Christmas

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Um, while I'm happy that Billy Idol is at least doing something, (and not sounding too bad, I might say) I'm not sure if this was such a brilliant idea. Billy Idol and Christmas standards just don't go together. It's like that Sesame Street clip: which thing is not like the others. The Christmas box would be the thing that doesn't belong because you'd have the Billy Idol box, the Stoly box, and the motorcycle box. Those are the three things that go together. I'm also not feeling the whole Frank Sinatra/ Harry Connick, Jr. vibe he's trying to cop. Listen to me Billy, there is nothing sadder to me than watching you trying to hide your sneer while you sing White Christmas. STOP IT, I say. Stop it, now!

Have a happy turkey day