Get lost, kid. Halloween doesn't live here anymore.

My husband tells me he is not giving out candy tonight, and I beleive him because I haven't bought any candy and neither has he. He swore after last Halloween that his candy-giving days were over because all the kids where "little shits." I feel kind of guilty about it because our daughter is going out collecting, so it only seems fair that we should give. This morning I asked him if there really were no good kids last year. He said about 25% were good, but the rest were obnoxious as hell. So, he'll go around with me and our daughter and just enjoy her enjoyment of Halloween. I just hope when we get back home our house isn't Tee-Peed. That would suck majorly. Here's my daughter in her Pricess Leia costume. She's rocking it old school.

Happy Halloween Eve

Halloween costumes gone horribly wrong

When I was a kid, most commercially available costumes were like this one: You got a plastic mask and some kind of polyester jumpsuit thing that tied up in the back. I remember the box lid always had a cellophane window so you could see what the mask looked like. I don't know when they stopped making these things, but I don't miss them. You couldn't keep the mask on for very long because you'd basically suffocate, either that or you'd end up drowning from your breath condensing on the inside of the mask. And the eyeholes never matched up with your eyes, so you always had to tilt your head in weird directions to see where you were going. Yeah, they pretty much sucked. Anyway for a look at more horrible costumes, click here.

Interesting Stuff

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

AND FINALLY

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!


And, yes, I tried licking my elbow and couldn't.

I've been a bad mommy.

My husband mentioned last night that I've been neglecting my blog and I told him I've been busy, which I have been. Christopher from "everything is not real" has quit his blog, too. I don't know what's happening, but my world is being plunged into chaos. I feel so alone and cold. Anyway, I've been busy making my daughter's Halloween costume. She broke down and decided she didn't want to in the cheaply made rag we ordered through the internet, so I'm now sewing a Princess Leia costume. It's almost done. I've also been helping plan my church's Pumpkin Ball and planning my daughter's birthday party and I don't know what else. I told you I've been busy. It's not like I have anything particularly interesting to talk about. Oh, I've been doing a colon cleanse, but even that hasn't been as exciting as I thought it would be. I don't think I've actually gotten rid of 37 years of poop or anything, which is kind of disappointing based on some of the pictures I've seen of what other colon cleaners have experienced. My husband says it's all a lie, anyway, that we have years of shit coating our intestines and that it's all made up by people trying to sell colonics. Mind you, I am taking vitamins and things, I am not having the super enemas. I still maintain that the anus is an exit and not an entrance for anything.

Podcast #18

It's BC2 and me back together again.


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What's going on here?

Why is everyone bailing? Daily Dancer is retiring. Dan of Dantallion's Can[n]on is retiring. Again I ask, what's going on here? Pretty soon everyone will retire their blogs and I'll be left alone to wander the blogosphere without hope. Sniff, sniff. In memory of two fine bloggers who have chosen to ride off into the sunset, I will remain silent today and not sing karaoke because the song has momentarily left my heart. Okay, really I forgot to make a new recording, but I'd be quiet today, regardless. Really. I'm not lying.

Howdy, howdy, howdy

Somehow, I'm not quite sure, I've become the co-leader for my daughter's Browine Troop. Today is the first meeting. I like to call myself the assistant because that implies I'm not really responsible for anything, but my daughter insists I am a co-leader. I'm gonna work it like an assistant, though. The troop needed another adult on-hand at meetings or it wouldn't be allowed to do anything, so being the sucker that I am, I volunteered. I'm going to need to take pain medication afterward, though. Some of those girls need to be on an IV ritalin feed 24/7 in my book. But I'm sure it will be wildly rewarding as serving others always is. Yeah, I'm not buying it either.

Better Karaoke

Um, yeeeeaaaah. All I'm going to say is when I sing this song to the radio, I sound awesome......to myself.


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By the way, my daughter's Amidala costume came in and it's as chintzy as I thought it would be. She was pretty disappointed and said she's never going the ready-made route again. I was a good mom and didn't say, "I told you so."

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow! I love ya tomorrow you're always a day away!

May I suggest the Hot Shot HS36 Cattle Prod! The rolls royce of cattle prods. Whats that you don't want to get out of bed? ZAP! You don't want raisin bran? ZAP its the effective yet humane way to motivate your family in a minimal amount of time! Recommended by two out of three Guantanemo bay guards!

testimonial "shewt if they don't do what I say I just shock the shizzle out of them with my Hot Shot! he he he "

Minor side effects include:

twitching of the head and eye lids.

small circular burns

mild bleeding from the ears.

uncontrolled night terrors.

Still late.

OK, I have seriously got to get a handle on this tardiness thing with getting my daughter to school. I'm just angry about it now. I mean, there's no logical reason why I cannot get us out of the house in time to get her to school before the bell rings. I am, to quote Whitney Houston, every woman. If you haven't already guessed, I got her to school late again today. It's really about the time management. Starting tomorrow, no more snooze buttons. Starting tomorrow, I am waking up that child at 6:00, even if it means I have to dump a bucket of ice water on her head. Starting tomorrow, I am not putting up with anymore dilly dallying from my daughter; she gets up, she eats, she brushes her teeth, she gets dressed, and then we get the hell out of Dodge. This lateness thing has been a chronic problem since she started kindergarten and I've basically reached the end of my rope. I've just got to be disciplined about this entire thing and get my ass in gear. Starting tomorrow, baby, it's a whole new ball game.

Missing you.

You may or may not have noticed that I haven't been posting too much lately. Part of it is because I'm busy and the other part is that the effort of going over what's been happening in my life lately is just more than I can deal with right now. Not because it's anything bad, but just because it takes time and I'm kind of short on that commodity lately. So a quick recap of my life over the past couple of weeks:

* We were in Tahoe a couple of weeks ago for my friend's wedding. She's one of my best friends from college. Anyway, she got married, I was a bride's maid and the scenery was beautiful.

* I went to the Notre Dame/ Michigan State football game last Saturday. It rained an awful lot and we left the stadium right before ND came back and won the game. I don't regret leaving early because being wet wasn't exactly pleasant. We didn't get back into town until 4:00 a.m.

* We're planning on putting our dog into doggy daycare because she really does need some doggy friends. She's like the unpopular girl at school right now and we've got to fix that.

* Third grade is harsh, man. Getting through all my daughter's homework and adjusting to the massive increase in work has been a little difficult.

* I'm apparently now an Arbonne consultant. I bought a membership so I could order my products online without a consultant and that apparently made me a consultant. I guess it's cool.

* I bought my daughter some generic Heelies or Wheelies or whatever the hell the name of those shoes with wheels in the heel are called. She still hasn't gone out to try and learn how to use them. No surprises there.

* My husband started taking guitar lessons at the beginning of the month and told me last night he's not going to do it anymore because he doesn't have time. I told him he has to finish out the month because we've already paid.

May the force be with you.

So, my daughter has decided she wants to be Padme Amidala for Halloween this year. To accomodate her wish, I just ordered this costume:



Usually, I make her costume, but she said she wanted this costume and had all sorts of reasoning why it was better to just order one this year instead of making one: "You don't have a lot of time anymore, Mom."

"This will help you out, a lot."

"You won't have to worry about getting my costume together."

I don't mind not making her costume, but most costumes are pretty chintzy and I don't have any reason to think it won't be the case with this one, but who am I to argue with a girl who wanted a costume because "the blaster is really cool."

Podcast #17

We are back on the air with a new set of victims.


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I suck.

I have managed to get my daughter to school late the last two days. I'm not feeling great about that. Granted, it's only been by like a minute or two, but they take tardiness very seriously at her school. Anyway, other than waking up a half hour earlier, I don't know how to keep this from happening. My daughter is a major putzer in the morning. It takes 15 minutes just to get her up out of bed. It doesn't matter how early she gets to bed the night before, it'll still take 15 minutes to wake up the next morning. Then she takes 20 minutes to eat breakfast because she keeps getting up and wandering around and doing God knows what else. Meanwhile, I'm ironing, or getting her breakfast or feeding the dog or any other number of morning things. Ultimately, I'm the one that's got to get us out the door on time and I'm just mad at myself.

We lost.

Go Big Blue!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled karaoke post to bring you two special, special songs to enjoy on the eve of the Nittany Lion's victorious battle against the Fighting Irish. Enjoy. Man, if you don't feel the excitement, you're dead.


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Good night, sweet Crocodile Hunter.

I am shocked that the Crocodile Hunter is dead. I couldn't believe it when my husband came downstairs yesterday morning and told me the news. I feel especially bad for his family. And the reason I even care is because Steve Irwin is one of my daughter's heroes. She loves him and has talked a lot about how she wants to go work at Australia Zoo one day and meet him. She's already decided she wants to work with animals when she grows up and she really loves them. So, we knew she was going to be really upset when we told her, and she was. She went to her Zoo Tycoon game so she could design a zoo for him. It seems so strange that he should die in such a freakish way. All reports seem to indicate the particular blow he took from the stingray is a one in a million kind of thing. Anyway, I'm sad he's dead and I think it stinks.

Karaoke this way

I've got a strange relationship with Steve Tyler. Well, I have a strange relationship with the idea of Steve Tyler. I find him repulsive yet strangely appealing. I think it's because he seems dirty to me. I don't know why I like dirty, but I do. At any rate, I've said it before and I'll say it again, only Steve Tyler should attempt to sing Aerosmith songs; however, I can't help myself because it's so much fun to sing Aerosmith songs, so here I am singing Angel.


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Clash of the Titans

I'm really excited because in about a week and a half I get to cheer on my beloved Nittany Lions when Penn State comes to Notre Dame. I haven't seen a Penn State game in YEARS. I really can't express how excited I am. Of course, I predict we will emerge victorious. Mountain lions eat leprechauns for lunch. It's a well-documented fact.