Shoes

I've been finding myself unusually obsessed with shoes lately. I like shoes, but I don't have nearly as many shoes as I'd like to have. Mainly because I'm not rich and if I bought as many shoes as I wanted, I'd be sucking on ice cubes and eating sunflower seeds for my meals. This might not be so bad because then I wouldn't have to do Weight Watchers. However, I do have a family I need to feed, so that means no shoes. Anyway, I've been wanting to buy shoes a lot lately because of my reunion. I don't know why. You'd think if I wanted to buy anything, I'd want to get one of those body-shaping lycra things that will make me look twenty pounds thinner, but I want shoes. Since I can't buy them, I look at them. The internet is great for looking at shoes. I've been spending way too much time looking at shoes. This has led me to buy shoes for my daughter because then I can rationalize the expense. It's not really for me. Plus, she needs shoes for school anyway. I tend to spend a little more money on her shoes than most people would think reasonable for shoes that will only fit her for a year or so, but I can't help it. Since she wears a uniform to school, I like her to have a little character with her shoes. Now, I don't spend $100 on her shoes, but I have been known to fork over $50, which I won't even spend on myself. I only spent $20 on my wedding shoes. That's pretty much the range I like to stick in for my own shoe purchases. I did spend $100 for a pair of Dansko clogs, but those things were worth it. They're incredibly comfortable and I'll have those shoes forever. The thing with looking at shoes on the internet is that you get to see all kinds of shoes and their prices and I really don't understand the shoes that are like $400. If you've got $400 to spend on shoes, you've got too much money and should probably do something a little more altruistic with it. Hey, I've got an idea. If you're a shoe designer or retailer, why don't you send me shoes to test run and write reviews. I'll do that. Just let me know.

So sad.

I got a call yesterday afternoon from someone on the parent/ teacher association telling me that the father of one of my daughter's classmates had unexpectedly passed away and would I be able to make a desert for his funeral lunch. I told her of course and asked how he died. She said she didn't know, only that it was very sudden. So in my mind I'm thinking heart attack, accident. I have to admit suicide did pop into my mind because I've recently learned that a classmate of mine from high school killed herself a couple of months ago. At any rate, I told my daughter and she felt very sad for her classmate and said she'd like to make the cake with me, which she did. Anyway, I had to drop it off at the church this morning and there were already some ladies getting the meal together and I asked them if they knew what had happened, and neither one of them knew, only that it was unexpected because that's what was in the obituary. One of the women showed the obit to me and said she asked the pastor and all he would say is that the article says it was unexpected, so let's just leave it at that. So, of course, we're both assuming it's something like suicide or drug overdose or something along those lines because no one ever wants to say what really happened in those sorts of situations. We did really only talk about suicide, but who really knows. Besides my daughter's classmate, he and his wife have one other child, and I just can't help feeling terrible for those kids. You feel sympathy for the wife as well, but in my thinking she's an adult and is better equipped to handle something like this, but those kids may never understand why this happened. And I don't necessarily know that anyone can truly understand, but as a parent, it makes me angry to think that a father would willingly put his children through this sort of hardship.

Now, I know he must have been suffering from depression or maybe even battling substance abuse, but I generally look at suicide as one of the most selfish and self-centered acts a person can commit. I've known people who had family members who committed suicide that probably would have more sympathy than I would, but I only ever feel sorry for the people left to deal with the aftermath. In my mind, if you've got the wherewithall to take your own life, you've got the wherewithall to ask for help. Granted, I also understand there are people with serious mental illness like schizophrenia who commit suicide, but I usually view those people as not really having the capability to understand the consequence of their actions in relation to the world around them. I suffer from depression myself so I know how very low one can get. And as a teen (or even when I suffered from post-partum depression), I probably had incredibly fleeting moments of considering suicide at some level, but I always knew that was never a real solution to anything and I always knew there was no way in hell I'd put my family through that kind of agony. So my prayers go out to the family dealing with the loss of a husband and father and hope that they can find some kind of peace in their lives and not blame themselves for an action that rests squarely on the shoulders of the person who committed it.

The Brick and LG appliances suck big donkey dicks.

This is a post that Dantallion recently put up and I'm just spreading the word because I've been similarly screwed by Best Buy in the past. Best Buy is the devil, and so, apparently, are The Brick and LG appliances. So read on.

tick…tick…BOOM

If any of you heard a loud noise last night, or the earth rumbling, or perhaps reports of a possible nuclear explosion, not to worry - here’s the explanation.

I’ve made mention several times on my blog recently that my 2-year-old LG refrigerator (with extended warranty) crapped out just over two weeks ago. Aside from the food loss, LG and The Brick (where I purchased it) dicked me around for two weeks - wasting hours and hours of my time, with their incompetence and sheer unwillingness to help - and this despite my being patient and polite for the first week of this nonsense. They had the part in stock the whole time, and could have sent it to me within 2 days of the failure. Instead they told me it would take a MINIMUM of 2 weeks to get the part - and if I was without a fridge for that time, that was just too bad. It took me 1 phone call to the manufacturer to confirm that the parts were readily available. And then hours of my time talking with useless “customer service” people trying to convince them to send the part immediately. I would get one helpful rep telling me that they would ship it to me overnight that night, and then the next day when it didn’t show up, I’d find out that another rep had cancelled the order because they felt that the procedure that had been followed was wrong. It was a comedy of incompetence and apathy like I’ve never seen before. Add to that waiting around for hours for FIVE different service calls (partly because when they DID send the part, it was invariably the wrong one). Once they even sent it to the wrong address.

So finally this past Tuesday, they fixed the fucking thing.

You wanna know the kicker? Last night (Wednesday), I went to the grocery store and spent over $120.00 dollars on stuff to replace some of what I’d lost 2 weeks ago. When I got home, the fucking thing wasn’t working. AGAIN.

SO, in the interests of doing the public a service, and in the hopes that anyone Googling LG or The Brick will come across this post, I offer the following:

WARNING: Don’t ever buy LG products. Don’t ever shop at The Brick furniture and appliance stores. LG and the Brick are incompetent. LG and the Brick offer inferior products. LG and the Brick say they offer good service – this is a lie. LG and the Brick are more interested in washing their hands of their customers once they have sold their product. LG and the Brick do not respect their warranties. LG and the Brick are lazy. LG and The Brick’s complete disregard for their customers and the problems that arise from the products they sell them is disgusting. I’ve bought many different things at many different stores, and never have I been a badly treated as I have been at LG and the Brick.

In their marketing, they infer that LG stands for “Life’s Good”. They forgot to add: “For US. YOU, On The Other Hand, Are Totally SCREWED”.

BUYER BEWARE.

Pass it on.

Life's bitter disappointments.

My daughter is in drama camp this week. It's the first time she's ever done anything like this before, and I think her sudden interest in the theatre stems from my recent participation in the local civic theatre. Anyway, I picked her up today and she had an incredibly sour look on her face so I asked her what was wrong.

"Nothing."

I told her I could tell something was wrong, so why doesn't she just tell me.

"Nothing."

Anyway, I waited until we got in the car and then I asked her again to tell me what was wrong. Then she goes into how she didn't get the part she auditioned for and that she kept getting knocked out of the bathtub and into the darkness. I understood not getting the role, but the rest of it was bizarre to say the least, until she explained the bathtub was part of a scene they were doing. I tried to explain to her that it's rough not getting the part she wanted, but that happens sometimes and that she should still try and do the best that she can with the part she did get (she's apparently part of the court), and try to not let the disappointment ruin the rest of her fun while she's in camp. She had to let her sorrow wash through her for a little while before she could smile and think life was worth living again. And, I understand that. Sometimes we like to just stew in our misery, don't we?

Once she'd finished feeling sorry for herself, the contempt came into play. "I don't even know why the girl who got the part got it," she said. "She doesn't even say the right words."

I told her that it's the director's job to worry about people not doing their jobs and that she should just concentrate on making sure she does her role the way she's supposed to. I think she understands that, but I totally get that she's got to trash the little ho that stole her part.

Burning Questions.

I'm a person who likes answers. If I wonder something, I want to know who, what, when, where, why, and how. However, even I am sometimes stumped in my quest to find answers to all the questions that pop into my head. To wit, I'm going to periodically post those questions and hope that someone out there can answer them for me. I'm also willing to entertain plausible theories, so, please, give me some answers.

Question 1:
Why doesn't Whoopi Goldberg have eyebrows?

Question 2:
Has Michael Jackson really, truly lost his nose to too many surgeries?

So there's a couple to get you started. I'm hoping you will help to dispell any remaining vestiges of ignorance I shamefully carry upon my shoulders. And thanks. You're all swell.

Finished. Finally, truly finished.

So that's that. No more Harry Potter. It's finally finished and I'm kind of sad about it. By the way, there will probably be spoilers in this post, so if you don't want to know what happens in Deathly Hallows, I'd suggest you stop reading now. Speaking of the deathly hallows, I really don't know why they were even in the story. It all seemed pretty unnecessary to me. I don't think it really added anything. Generally speaking, I like the book as much as I like all the other ones. But I am disappointed that there seems to be so much still left up in the air. If this is the last book, give people the satisfaction of tying up all loose ends. I hear JK Rowling plans on releasing a sort of encyclopedia of everything not in the books, which would be helpful. Although, I hope it's just not an encyclopedia in the classic sense. I'd like it to be written as a narrative. Go ahead and organize or categorize like an encyclopedia, but write the stories.

I'm bummed that she killed the people she killed, except for Voldemort of course. The only thing is that it all seemed sort of anti-climatic. I dont know what I was expecting, but I thought Voldemort's death would somehow be more shocking than it was. I don't know. I am glad, though, that she did not kill off Ron or Hermione. I think that was a real fear of many readers, but she's leaves them alive. The death that bummed me out the most was definitely Fred. I can't imagine how George's life goes on without his twin. I wish she would have gotten a little deeper into their future lives. I mean, she gives the epilogue, but she only gives you tiny hint of what their lives are like. I felt so sad that Tonks and Lupin both die, leaving their son parentless. I mean, come on, she could have left at least one of them alive so little Teddy didn't have to end up an orphan.

My daughter is currently listening to the audio book and just heard that Hedwig died and she asked, "How much more can [JK Rowling] do to Harry?"



By the way, one of my daughter's friends clued me into the Potter Puppet Theatre on You Tube. It's sad, but true, to say I've finally reached a point of my life where my cues on the hip and relevant come from nine-year-olds.

Can't. Talk.

Reading. Harry. Potter. 100. Pages. Left.

My daughter is a whiner.

My daughter is now attempting to practice guitar for the first time in a month, and she is really making it a bitch. She has class tomorrow, so I told her to start practicing last night because she hasn't done it at all these last few weeks of vacation, and she plunks a couple of notes before wailing, "I can't remember anything." My big mistake was trying to reason with her. I told her to go back to some of the older stuff that she's played a million times so that her fingers could get back in the groove of it and sort of jump start her memory. But she was determined to whine, and utterly convinced that she didn't remember how to play guitar. Anyway, I told her to wait until her father came home to help her (he reads music and I don't), but that didn't happen because we had a dinner date with friends last night. So she's trying to practice now and telling my husband that she's lost and she doesn't understand what he's trying to tell her. It probably wouldn't be sooooooo bad if she weren't literally whining. You know, those pathetic sort of noises kids make when they're complaining about something. She just did it again and it's all I can do to keep from flying off the handle. I HATE it when kids whine and my first impulse is always to smack them. I particularly hate it when my daughter whines because it means she's not even trying and that infuriates me more than anything. I probably shouldn't be admitting these things because now a world of strangers will think I'm an abusive mother, but what are ya gonna do? While I'm confessing my sins, let me tell you what I did earlier this evening. My daughter had a loose tooth that she finally agreed to let us pull out. My husband's preferred tool is pliers. So he yanks that sucker out and I tell her to rinse and spit until I can bring down some gauze for her to bite on to stop the bleeding. One of the things I didn't mention about while we were on vacation was that my mother stayed at our house to watch our dog. She took that opportunity to completely clean and reorganize my house. (Something she knows I don't like her doing.) So I went up to the linen closest and couldn't find the gauze, but I did see my box of tampons. And that's when the wheels started turning. Tampons are made to staunch bleeding and, surely, they're sterile because women shove them up their cooches. That technically makes them a medical supply. So I took one out and removed the applicator and took the cotton down to my daughter and told her to put it in her mouth and bite down. She asked me what it was and I told her it was something specifically made to stop bleeding. I have to admit it was a little funny to see her walk around with the tampon string hanging out of her mouth. And that's how we mothers get back at our children for whining. I should have taken a picture.

Harry.

Went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix yesterday and it was pretty good. In some ways, I think it did a good job of distilling the book down to its essentials. However, it's always a bit disappointing that the movies can't include a lot of the side stories that make the books so entertaining. In particular, Hermione's SPEW movement. I think that's some of the funniest stuff in the books. But, it's a different medium and one that is unfortunately limited to a couple of hours, for commercial purposes anyway. It's hard to know how someone without any prior knowledge of the books would view the films, but it's also hard not to fill in the blanks when you know what they are. Does that make the movies more enjoyable than they might be otherwise? I don't know. All I know, is that I thouroughly enjoyed this latest installment. I thought the actress playing Luna Lovegood did an excellent job getting across Luna's, well, loonieness. It's always a shame to me that actors like Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman only get a few short minutes to show their stuff, because they are so damn good at what they do. I thought Imelda Staunton was wonderful as Dolores Umbridge; although, I wish they would have made her look more the way she's described in the book. She wasn't nearly toady enough, I thought. At any rate, I liked the movie and didn't feel like I'd wasted my money.

Changing topics now, I'm attending my 20th high school reunion next month. I'm excited to see my friends becaue I haven't been to Utah in about eight years. Although, I'm always more interested to see how people, in general, have turned out. I know how all my friends are doing, so of course, I'm really interested in all the other people. Basically the people who treated me poorly. I want to see if their lives have descended into the hell they should have. I'm kidding. I don't really wish people's lives have turned out crappily. Seriously. I'm not that cruel. Most of the time.

Back to the real world.

Well, we're back from Disney and everything seems really anti-climactic now. How does one live in the real world once they've seen Disney? It was fun, but that place is a finely-tuned money sucking machine. It's incredible the way they make you forget about everything and keep you focused on spending, spending, spending. Like when you're finished with a ride, it empties out into a gift shop. And you find that you must spend your money. You can't help yourself. Beyond that, it really is a fun place. My daughter said it was the best week of her life, and isn't that really what it's all about?

Here are some things I learned while in Disney:
1. It's a bad idea to plan a trip to Disney when your children are babies or toddlers. We specifically waited until our daughter reached nine because I wanted her to be old enough to walk all day long and be old enough to control her emotions. At least be able to control them better than a baby or toddler. I saw these families dragging these kids around who were just miserable. I mean they were probably having some fun, but they were also crying and whining about the heat and having major meltdowns. To me, this is something you experience everyday when children are that age. I am not going to pay big money to take my child across the country to have her do what she does at home for free.

2. People are still jerks, even in Disney World. It's amazing to me how rude people are in a place like Disney World because everyone is there to have a good time, right? I mean, if you're going to get upset because the line is too long and the weather is sweltering, you shouldn't be there and you definitely shouldn't be taking it out on your family or other visitors. I saw some really harsh stuff as far as parents just going off on their kids and being majorly rude. For instance, I lost sight of my daughter at one point while she was watching this High School Musical thing. I was just trying to get through the crowd a bit so I could find her and know where she was. As I was squeezing by this lady, she actually started pushing me off to the side and I was like, "Look, I'm just trying to find my daughter, OK?" And she's like, well I'm keeping an eye on my kid, too. And pushes me off to the side again. Like she thought I was trying to steal her space or something. Whatever. I just wanted to catch sight and I eventually had to get down on my hands and knees so I could peer between people's legs to see where she was. But not until after I stood right next to the lady at ear level and screamed my daughter's name as loud as I could. Have I ever mentioned I can scream really, really loud? I mean really loud. I'm pretty sure they heard me at all the other parks.

3. I hate European tour groups. Everywhere we went, we encountered these tour groups compiled of about 300 hundred teenagers and God help you if you ended up in the middle of one of these groups, or worse, behind them. Seriously, it's like trying to make your way through a stampede of wildebeest or something. And they're clueless. They don't seem to have the ability to figure out what they should be doing or able to discern what's going on around them because they're focused so closely on the person with the flag that's taking them around the place. It's like sheep. Nothing else exists but the leader. So you get jostled and generally abused. They should outlaw those tour groups or mandate that any individual group can only hold up to 20 people.

4. People from the UK are generally very friendly. I cannot count the number of times we ended up in conversation with families from the UK because one of the parents just started talking to us. I didn't mind it at all and they were all very enjoyable conversations. Not so many Americans did the same. I just find it interesting that as a society, we seem so disconnected from each other that we're unlikely to want to speak to strangers. Even at Disney World.

Blueberries, anyone?

My mother, daughter, friend Cyndi and I just returned from picking blueberries. We brought home roughly thirty pounds, and my friend picked about eleven pounds. It's the first time I've ever gone blueberry picking and it was a lot of fun. When we got there, though, they directed us to a certain area where the bushes weren't too spectacular. The berries all looked pretty small, but we passed several bushes where the berries were pretty large, so my mom asked if we could do those and the girl was trying to tell us how they were really open yet, but my mom pointed out other people were picking the berries from that area and, finally, the girl had no choice but to relent and let my mom have access to the other bushes. We stayed in the original area, but then my daughter went to pick with my mother and came back with the mother lode of berries, so we moseyed on over the good plants. When we got there, there was some guy there rapidly picking only the large berries and then moving on to the next plant. You're supposed to pick a bush as clean as you can before you move on to the next one, so this guy was pretty much breaking the law. Well, don't ever think you can get between my mother and good anything, so she would move to the bush in front of him to strike before he could get to it. My friend Cyndi, who goes to this berry farm pretty often, told us there was a woman who works at the farm who she calls the Blueberry Nazi because this woman yells at people if they don't pick a bush clean before moving on. I saw the lady before we left. She does look like a Blueberry Nazi. Anyway, it was a good time and I recommend it highly if you ever get the chance.

Happy Fourth of July.

The child comes home today and I'd be really excited about it if I had time to dwell on it. But, my parents are bringing home the child which means as soon as I post this blog, I am off for some MAJOR house cleaning. Mainly because my mother maintains a certain standard of cleanliness that's hard for most humans to maintain. What's worse is that she's not too shy sharing how I do not quite live up to that standard. She might not say anything at first, or ever, but then you see in her eyes how she's scanning everything and making a mental note as to what she's going to tackle first. And when I say tackle, I mean clean. It bothers me that I can't control what goes on in my own house when she's here. I tell her to stop and attempt to physically restrain her from cleaning, but then she tells me she's just trying to help me and why don't I let her help me and why do I try to make her feel guilty for wanting to help me. It's a point of contention that will never be resolved because my mother simply refuses to acknowledge that it's not her god-given right or responsibility to clean my house, or rearrange it, or improve it, and I refuse to acknowledge that it is. In many ways, this argument boils down to cultural differences. Korean mothers do clean their children's houses and the children let them, and in some ways expect them to do it. However, as far as house cleaning goes, I'm thoroughly American and don't want my mother to feel like she has to do anything other than relax when she in my home. In fact, I find it somewhat disturbing that some of my Korean cousins don't have any problem letting their mothers do their housework. In my mind, my home is my responsibility and I'm certainly not going to expect my mother to lift a finger in addressing that responsibility. Anyway, although I love having my parents here, it's always just a matter of time before that bomb explodes and we end up with another screaming match about cleaning. It's a bummer to have that cloud hanging over your head. So, I'm off to clean. How does this all fit in with Fourth of July? It's all about the fireworks, baby.

If I've heard of him, why haven't they?

I just finished watching America's Got Talent with my husband and I'm really confused about somethihng. One of the acts was a man named Thoth, like the Egyptian god, who is performance artist who plays violin, dances, and sings in New York. As soon as I saw him, I asked my husband, "Isn't that the guy who plays the violin and stuff outside of subway stations and stuff?" He didn't know what I was talking about (which isn't really unusual), but I knew I'd seen something about Thoth before. And then I remembered that there was documentary or something made about him once. What confuses me, is that the judges didn't seem to recogonize him as anything more than one of the other anonymous acts that tried their shot at making it to Las Vegas. They voted him off, but made comments that suggested they didn't know him from Adam. Anyway, I was pretty sure this guy had made a blip on the radar at one time, so I jumped on the computer and did a Google search, and, sure enough, I found information on the documentary, which is appropriately titled, "Thoth." And then I read that it had won the Oscar for best documentary, short subject, and that's when it all came back because I remember watching the Oscars when it won the award, and Thoth was there and the filmmakers had him come up on stage with them. So, if I can remember all of that from five years ago, why didn't the judges recognize him? I'm not necessarily saying he should have been pushed to the next round, but you'd think they remember the subject of an Oscar-winning documentary. I remembered and I'm just a regular person.

Good Cop, Bad Cop

Baby Pearl's next and, apparently, last appearance with Will Ferrell.



I still think the first one was funnier.

OK, this is impressive

Watch this kid tie his shoe without touching the shoelaces.

Stop the madness

Mistake number one: buying a four pound bag of salt water taffy from Sam's Club.

Mistake number two: bringing home the left-over salt water taffy not consumed by cast and crew.

Mistake number three: eating enough salt water taffy to make me feel like I'm going to blow chunks.

What's the madness? I could definitely eat more.

Practice makes perfect

So we met last night to practice songs for the gala on Friday night and we pretty much decided not to make things too complicated for ourselves. We agreed that Ed and I would sing our song from Zombies and then one extra each from other shows. I'm going to learn Big Spender from Sweet Charity and Ed is going to learn Mr. Cellophane from Chicago. He sounded really, really good singing it last night. We practiced in the Masonic Temple, which is where the gala is being held and after we finished, I wanted to explore and find what kind of secret torture devices they had hanging around, but Ed wouldn't let me because he's principled and all that. So that was a drag. I know there's some kind of freaky shit in there.

I have completely lost track of time without my daughter being here. She's currently visiting my parents in DC and I really can't keep the day straight. It just goes to show you what an endless monotony my life would be without her in it. Well, it goes to show me, anyhow. I spoke to my daughter on the phone last night because they had all gone to Virginia Beach for the weekend and I wanted to find out how it went. They had loads of fun and she told me they are going to Hershey Park this weekend. She told me her chocolate senses are already tingling.

The show is over.

So we closed yesterday, which is good. The run didn't turn out too badly because a couple of friends of mine from Zombies were working stage crew, so I had people to hang with during the show. I only appeared in the last act of thet play, so I had a lot of time on my hands. There was one new kid who volunteered for crew and he has one of the most toxic personalities I've ever encountered in my life. You just knew every night, at some point, he was going to be in the middle of an argument with someone and it was definitely the last thing any of us wanted to have to deal with while trying to keep track of what was going on on stage. However, things usually have a way of balancing and although I was introduced to a person I never want to see again, I also got to meet one of the other Civic veterans for the first time, and he is hilarious, and I defintely hope I get to work with him again. I actually saw him perform before meeting him, and he's good. He's also just a sweet guy. I'd like to say I get a break now, but I now have to start practicing for this theatre gala thing that I've been asked to perform for. I'm doing it with my friend Ed from Zombies, but it's this Friday and we're only rehearsing for the first time tonight. So this should be an experience.

I'm a dirty whore.

At least that's what people are probably thinking when they see the huge ass cold sore on my lip. I don't know what it is about plays and cold sores, but so far this year, I'm two for two.
OK, that's not my actual cold sore, but the one I have is about that big. We have to rehearse tonight; although, I don't know why. We know our parts and I don't think we forgot anything in the two days we had off. And then we're supposed to actually dress for it. I don't know, maybe I'll put on my apron if I'm willing to be cooperative. And, yes, I know I'm bitching, but I'm allowed to bitch because I have a huge, freaking cold sore on my lip. I put the a seed of hopefulness in my daughter's head when she went to DC to hang with the rents. I told her my brother (her uncle) was thinking about buying a Wii and maybe she could convince him so she could play with it. Anyway, my brother told me after she said hi to him on the phone last night, she immediately proceeded to inform him that she's be more than willing to play it with him. He told her he wasn't buying one because he just bought a laptop (which wasn't even a mac, dork), so those dreams are dashed. Poor kid. Buy the freaking Wii, Mike. Give the kid a little joy in life.

mental health day

I'm taking a mental health day. I'm just wiped out and need a break. The kid is off with the rents for a couple of weeks, which is nice, but it gets awfully quiet when she's not around. I usually make it about a week and a half before I really start missing her. The show opened this weekend and it got a good review; although, I got a sucky review. You'd think five minutes on stage would go more unnoticed. But what are you going to do? People are entitled to their opinions and in this case, it was just my misfortune that one of the nay-sayers got to write an article about it. But that's life. Or perhaps I should say, c'est la vie. Anyway, I went and watched Knocked Up over the weekend with a friend and that movie was hilarious. I mean, HILARIOUS. For those of you who don't know, it was written and directed by the same guy who did 40-year-old Virgin, and I thought it was just as funny as that film. I love, though, how we can now have sort of "normal schlubs" as heroes movies, but the girl in question still has to be thin and beautiful. I want a movie about a normal looking, normal sized woman who gets Brad Pitt or someone like that. So someone go out and make that movie for me, will ya? P.S. I think Paul Rudd is just marvelous. Not specifically in Knocked Up, but in general.

Please let it be over.

The show opens Friday and, let me tell you, this show can't be done with soon enough as far as I'm concerned. The only good part about being involved in this entire thing is that I get to hang out with my friend Melanie. They didn't even bother to make sure they had the right person listed for my part in the promotional postcards they sent out. I assume the girl on the flyers is the girl originally cast, but I don't know. It's not that big of deal because I really don't care in the whole scheme of things, but it's kind of a prime statement on the nature of the people running this production. The only thing about it that kind of pisses me off, is that one of the directors said to me tonight in a really off-handed, not really concerned manner, "Oh, sorry about the name being all wrong on the postcard." Those things got mailed out two weeks ago and this is the first time they've even bothered acknowledging the mistake. I'm like, please don't waste your breath because it's obvious you could give two fucks. Don't insult my intelligence by even pretending to care. It is the most uncomfortable show I've ever been in. The directors are not warm people and they don't do much to create any sort of team environment. Let's just say, if I was doing trust exercises with one of those two, I'd let them hit the ground like a sack of shit. I hope this all doesn't sound too vitriolic because it might suggest that I care that they're shits, which I don't. It's just sort of a statement of events as they've happened. I pretty much respond to people the way they act, which is all very straight forward and simple. Oh, one thing did surprise me though, one of them actually called me by my name, not my character's name, and I was amazed that they even knew what my name is because it was the first time I'd ever heard either of them use it.

By the way, this is the photo they're going to use for the lobby. I hate it, but I usually hate my picture.

I confess

I am totally addicted to this desert sort of thing I've been eating since I started doing the weight watchers. I take sugar free/fat free jello pudding, mix in All Bran bran buds and top it with Cool Whip free. It is freaking awesome. I don't really know how many points it is, but I know it's not much because the cool whip is zero points, the pudding is a couple points, I think, and the cereal is one or two points, something like that. It's so good, plus it's got plenty of fiber, which is always good. Another yummy breakfast I've been doing is the McCann's instant oatmeal with fat free Smart Start margarine and some splenda brown sugar mix. That's only like two or three points a serving and it's really filling. I ate not so great over the weekend because we had a bbq and I had to give some advice over sangria to one of my castmates about this dickwad guy in her life who's making her miserable. And, of course, with the sangria, I had to eat the chips and salsa. Salsa is not a problem, but the chips are. So, it's back to the plan. I don't really know if I've lost much weight because I don't weigh myself because I know I'll be depressed by whatever the number says, but I do feel less bogged down and bloated, so that's good.

Help me

There are at least two wasps or hornets flying around my office right now and I'm scared. Really, really scared. OK, maybe only really scared, but I know one of those S.O.B.s is going to come dive-bomb me any second. One is buzzing the florescent lighting above my head and the sound is making me want to scream. I called building maintenance and asked them to send up someone with bug spray, but they still haven't shown up. Typical. What's really weirding me out is the fact that if there are two, there's probably a nest or something in here. (uncontrolled sobbing) Someone please come and help me. NOW! OMG. One just flew right in front of my face. Where's the bug spray guy? Where's the bug spray guy? I feel like I'm in some kind of horror movie.

SOS (same old shit)

These play rehearsals just get more interesting every time I show up. Last night we were all sitting around during a break, just talking about random crap, when the director says, "My worst nightmare was being trapped on an elevator with four kor...mumble, mumble."

And I asked, "Trapped with four what?"

"Four Koreans, the smell of garlic was terrible. They eat a lot of garlic, you know."

And I said, "Oh, I know. I'm half Korean."

Then everyone just sat in uncomfortable silence for awhile before the director came over to where I was sitting and tried to have a nonchalant sort of conversation about his experience with Koreans. In my mind, I'm thinking, just stop talking. You're not making things better at this point. Anyway, so I sat there and listened to his talk while he tried to explain that he didn't think it was the people that smelled, but just the garlic that they ate. Whatever. At moments like this, you can only really laugh about it because people are fucking stupid.

There are better things I could be doing.

I had to get my picture taken tonight for the play. They put up the cast's photos in the lobby so people can see what you really look like. The best part of the entire thing is that it didn't take long. I really don't like having my picture taken because I never feel like I can look natural in them. I always feel self-conscious about smiling, mainly because my teeth are crooked. I really don't like my teeth at all and once I'm done fixing my daughter's teeth, I'm getting mine straightened out. But that's going to be awhile. Anyway, I didn't like any of the photos the guy took, but what are you going to do? I usually try to do a stupid face in photos because at least that way I'm looking stupid on purpose instead of just looking stupid in my natural state.

They seriously taste like grapes.

So I picked up a pack of grapples yesterday at the supermarket, and they actually taste like grapes. It's amazing. I don't know what kind of voodoo genetic research those apple farmers are doing, but I approve. I highly recommend you pick some up for yourself. If you're unfamiliar with the grapple, it's fruit that looks like an apple and tastes like a grape. They're really nice and sweet.

Homey don't play that.

So I had my first rehearsal last night with the new play. As it turns out, all my lines are in French, which is fine since there really aren't that many lines to begin with. I think I'm going to get a friend of mine to hook me up with one of the French instructors in the language department so I can record them speaking the lines so I get the pronunciation down correctly. Other than that, everyone seems OK, except for this one chick who rubbed me the wrong way. Durning a break, the other cast memebers were asking her about an interview she had and it was obvious it was an interview with a university or college somewhere, so I asked which school it was. It was someplace I've never heard of before. And then I asked what she teaches, and she responds in a really snotty way, "Theatre, isn't it obvious?" And I said, "Um, yeah, no, sorry." And then the other people sort of laughed uncomfortably and this one guy said she was joking, so I threw my script on the floor and pretended to storm out and said, "Fine. I'm outta here." Then the director said, "Oh no, we've lost another Louise." Anyway, after I was done messing around, I came back to sit in my seat and this girl said, "Yeah, I can be a diva." And I told her, "Sweetheart, you haven't seen diva yet. You've only just met me." Anyway, we'll see if my first impression of her holds up. For all I know, she could be the sweetest person in the world, but I'm not going to be holding my breath or anything.

That was short.

Well, it seems I'll be back on stage sooner than I thought. I've just accepted the role of the french maid in the civic theatre's upcoming production of Private Lives. One of my castmates from Zombies asked if I knew French and I said I knew some since I'd studied it for four years. I said I'd really only be interested if it were a small role that didn't require a lot of rehearsal time on my part, so the director called me and I said I'd do it. The person they originally cast apparently bailed, so they needed someone tout de suite. Anyway, I'm excited about it. It should be fun and not nearly as hectic as the last show, which is good for now.

Can I just say that I am pissed?

So my insurance won't pay for the recent round of HPV vaccinations I started for my daughter. Apparently, since it's not a state-mandated vaccination, they won't cough up the dough. I find this infuriating, especially since they will pay for viagra. Helping prevent cervical cancer in girls is apparently not as important as helping old men get their willies up. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised. Nothing is more tragic than some old geezer not being able to get his freak on. Not even a woman dying of a form of cancer that is nearly preventable now.

My stomach hurts

I don't know what's going on, but my stomach hurts and I feel like I'm going to puke. My head feels dizzy, too. I was sitting here, innocently drinking my coffee when I just didn't feel well at all. I don't know if I'm actually going to puke, but I'm going to prepare for a mad dash to the bathroom just in case. Mother's Day was pretty good. My husband and I went to watch a play at the civic theatre and he bought me stuff at Sephora, which is always nice. The play was good; although, a couple of the actors didn't quite live up to the script. It was better than I expected, though, because the paper had given it a really bad review. The kids are off, so it's basically the start of summer here on campus, which means I get to sit in my office all by myself and stare out the window. Good times, good times.

There's a spider crawling on my wall, but I'm too lazy to get up and kill it.

Bear with me

My dog has diarrhea and I stepped in shit twice this morning, but that still doesn't compare to the animal problem my sister had yesterday. Take a look a these pictures.







In case you were wondering, that is bear shit on the back seat. I'm not completely sure about what happened, but it looks like a bear climbed into my brother-in-law's truck and demolished it before game wardens and deputies and everyone else in the state of Montana were able to get it out.

Super freaky

Watch this.

OMG

I just found out that Thai iced coffee is seven points. Damn, I just had some at the Thai restaurant where I had lunch. And here I thought I was being good by ordering the mixed vegetables with steamed tofu, not even the fried tofu, but the steamed tofu. Why? Why must the lure of sweet iced coffee be so tempting? I can never say no. It's so delicious and refreshing. Oh well, looks like I'll be sucking on ice cubes for the rest of the day. I don't care, it was worth it.

I am not looking forward to going home today.

Apparently, after I left the house this morning and while my husband was taking a shower, our dog pooped in her litter box but then stepped in it and then took a leisurely stroll around the house. My husband told me he saw poopy little pawprints all over the place. He said he cleaned as much as he could see, but he had to get to work. Anyway, when I get home, I get to go around and see if there's anything else to clean up. I'm not looking forward to that. Meanwhile, we found out it will cost $3300 to fix my car. It needs a new timing belt and a general overhaul which we've been putting off for some time. It's '97 Accord stationwagon. My husband asked if we should just get another car, but we'd have to get a used car and I don't want to get something just to settle because it's going to take a lot of fix this one up. Once this one is retooled, it should still last a good five years at least. My brother thinks I'm fooling myself and that it'll probably only last another three years, but it's at the dealership. Why would they tell me it could still last a good amount of time when they could just try and steer me toward buying a car? Anyway, I don't want to buy a new car until I can get exactly what I want. There's no point in spending money on something I don't really want.

I suck.

Every Friday night, some of the people from the play go to this place called Frank's to sing karaoke and hang out. I'd really like to go this evening just to see everyone and say hi and sing a song or two, but I have a hard time getting myself together to step out the door at 9:00 or 10:00 on a Friday evening. Now, I know this is normal heading-out-on-the town time for people, but I'm at an age now where I wonder why does it have to be so late. If I'm already out at 9:00, there's really no problem, but not leaving until 9:00 is a completely different story because I've usually fallen asleep on the couch by then. I asked one of my grad students if she wanted to go with me, but maybe we could get there a little earlier than 9:00 and eat dinner or something and just wait for other people to show up. She'll call me to see if she can do that. But, it's hard to admit that I don't have the same spark and spunk that I used to.

FIRE!

K, so we totally just had a fire drill in the building and pretty much no one paid attention to it. I didn't get up right away, myself, until I got a whiff of what smelled like an electrical fire. So I turned off everything and headed out. I saw some firemen looking in a trash can on the floor beneath mine, but I didn't see any fire. I don't know if there was a fire. It probably wasn't even worth the effort of coming back up to the office since I leave in six minutes anyway.

Withdrawal

It's been a week since the show closed and I'm actually experiencing withdrawal. Seriously, I find myself longing for the next play. I miss my castmates. They're all such wonderful people. I hadn't realized what I had kept buried for so long by not performing, and now it's out again and I want more. But, I'll have to bide my time until Fall because I just can't fit more than two shows a year into my schedule.

Oh, the other day my daughter and I were watching this Swan marathon on Fox Reality channel and we were completely hooked. I'd never seen that show, but it was amazing the changes those women went through in three months. The thing I found interesting about the women is that most of them suffered primarily from mental problems rather than physical problems. Granted, some of them had really shitty upbringings, but they all seemed to have pretty OK lives. I wonder how many of them would have wanted the drastic plastic surgeries they had if they had had intensive counseling beforehand. They had therapy in conjunction with the physical changes, but I wonder if they would have wanted as much if they'd learned to love themselves first.

Screw it, I'm just doing Weight Watchers.

Well, my lemonade cleanse lasted about 12 hours. I did the laxative tea Saturday night, woke up Sunday and did most of my quart of salt water, which was completely gross because it was like swallowing liquid snot, drank a cup of coffee (because I'm not giving up coffee), waited about an hour and then drank my first glass of lemonade. Then I went up to take a shower and while I was in the bathroom, I thought to myself, "I'm going to puke." I lifted the toilet seat and then proceeded to puke out all the contents of my stomach. It was weird because there was no build up, no aching stomach, just the thought that I was going to throw-up and then I did. Anyway, I then had to tell my husband and daughter that I'd just vomitted and then the two of them begged me to pleeeeeeeaase not do this cleanse. It wasn't a hard sell on their part after the puking. So with that failed experiment, I'm going to just go back to Weight Watchers because it works, at least it's the only thing that's ever worked for me. My friend and I decided we'll meet every Saturday to make the week's worth of food so we can just put it in the freezer and not worry about being too rushed during the week to make our food. Meanwhile, I've got an entire gallon of cayenne-spiked lemonade sitting in the fridge. I'll go ahead and finish it because it's actually not too bad despite the pepper. I just won't be using it for the cleanse anymore.

So it's like this...

It's 11:06 pm and I just finished watching a movie on the computer. For some reason I'm burping a lot and it's not pleasant. Mookie is asleep on the floor behind me. Such a good dog. I'm tired but I don't feel sleepy. I've got to go to bed or I'll be really tired tomorrow. You know, I've realized that I have completely lost track of my life. I just had to think for a little bit to figure out what day tomorrow is. I'm going to start this lemonade cleanse/detox thing on Sunday. One problem from the play is that I had to eat on the run a lot, which means I've been doing less than healthy eating for a while now. I feel bloated and disgusting to say the least. I'll do this 10-day thing and then hopefully feel like a spring chicken. I kind of want to use it to jump start a return to healthier things in general. Like right now, I feel like I've got a rock sitting in my stomach. I think it's from the meatball sub I had for lunch. I wish I were rich only so I could hire someone to make all my meals, like how Oprah does. And I'd hire someone to make me exercise everyday. While I'm at it, I'd hire someone to give me facials and foot rubs everyday, too. Yeah, that would be the life.

Blaaaaa.

It has been a SHIT morning. First of all, there's a monsoon raging outside, which sucks. Add to that the fact that my husband forgot to pack our daughter's lunch for school so I had to run to CVS to get something for her to eat after I dropped her off at school. Guess what? CVS doesn't sell Lunchables. However, you can get plenty of sour cream if you're in the need. What kind of crazy mixed-up shit is that? Let's take a quick poll: If you run into CVS, are you more likely to come out with a Lunchables or sour cream? Anyway, I've had to now get in and out of the car a few times, which means I'm wet. So I run across the street to a gas station where they DO have lunchables (hallelujah). I grab that and a cup of coffee and make my way back to my daughter's school. When I get there, I'm pretty wet from all my stops. I take the stuff to her and she says she forgot the confetti she was supposed to bring to school and would I go get it for her and she gives me that stare: the sad, puppy-eyes stare, and for a moment I almost said yes, but I told her I couldn't because I was already going to be late for work as it it. But as I left the school, I stopped in the office and called home hoping my husband was still there so he could drop off the confetti. He didn't answer and I left a message, but he was probably already gone. Off topic, what about cell phones possibly being responsible for all the bees dying? That's some scary stuff. We need the bees. We need the bees more than we need the cell phones.

C'est fini.

It's over. The play is over. We had our last show yesterday afternoon. It's been quite an experience and I am so glad I finally got back to performing. My husband and daughter both told me yesterday that they could tell I had been a lot happier while doing the play. My daughter said, "Mom, it's finally time you did something for yourself." When she says stuff like that, it makes it totally worth it that I didn't drop her off in front of the orphanage when she was first born like I thought about doing. But seriously, I am totally blessed to have a family that supported me, even though it meant I wasn't around so much, especially toward the end. I could tell my daughter, particularly, was starting to miss me a lot when I had rehearsal or performances practically every night. It made me feel guilty, and that's a large part of why I'll probably only do a couple of things a year. Even though she's growing more mature everyday, stuff like this reminds me that she's still just a kid who needs her mom.

It's tough being a superstar.

We just finished our first performance of the week, which is actually performance number four in the run. We found out they're adding at least one additional show to the weekend because tickets have been selling so well. Originally, they told us we'd have an extra two shows during the weekend, but they downsized. I'm not complaining, though. Even though it's a lot of fun, doing that many performances in one weekend would take it out of me. It'll seem weird to have time once we're done. I'm pretty tired right now. I'm just burning a CD before I go to bed, so I figured I do a little post since I don't have much time otherwise to do it. Thank God for Red Bull. That's all I'm going to say.

Different picture, different faces

I tried a different picture on that my heritage thing and got completely different results, well except for one person.

I am pooped.

Well, the opening weekend went pretty well, if I do say so myself. We got a pretty good review in the paper, so that's a good thing. I wasn't feeling the energy so much at yesterday's matinee, but we get two days to rest before we hit the stage on Wednesday. It's been a lot of fun.

You'd think I have better things to do with my time.

Zombies preview

Here are some shots from our dress rehearsal. If you're lucky enough to live in South Bend, come watch. If not, then too bad. You'll be missing out on a truly historic theatrical moment.

Happy birthday to me.

It's my birthday today. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Of course, that means I'll end up dealing with more shit than normal today because no one will know it's my birthday and they won't try to let me have a peaceful day. Good news is my husband and daughter got me the spinning bird feeder so now I can watch the squirrels get tossed around the backyard. Ha, ha. I'm evil.

Jeez

The good news is that I only had to stay at the theatre until 10:30, the bad news is that I feel like I stayed until midnight. My husband is worried that I'm tired all the time, but I know it's because I'm just running around so much lately. I think once the play is over, I should have more energy. Maybe I'll stock up on some Red Bull. Although, I have to say, I can't say I've noticed any significant increase in energy when I've drunk it in the past. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel like, but I don't think I'm getting it. I actually like the taste of Red Bull. I got an email from a high school friend I haven't heard from in years asking if I plan on going to our 20th reunion this summer. I really want to go, but it depends mainly on when they have the reunion because we're going to disneyworld this summer, and if they have it at the same time, I'll miss it. I can't believe it's been 20 years since I graduated high school. It still seems like yesterday. K, I've got to go drop a deuce. Talk to you later.

Back too soon.

I was on vacation last week because of my daughter's spring break, and now it's back to reality as usual, which sucks. Tonight we have the tech run-through for the play and they've told us to expect to be there until midnight, which means I'm taking a nap as soon as I get home. The play opens Friday and I'm pretty excited. But I have to say I'll be glad when it's over so I can get some time back. I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep it to two plays a year just because the time commitment is so intense. My parents are coming to watch, which is a pleasant surprise for me. My brother said he was coming (but he's not), and I wasn't really anticipating my parents making the trip, but it turned out the other way around. Somehow, I'll have to try and figure out a way to clean the house before they get here.

Another IM conversation with my brother, or People are Gross

Me My Brother

OMG

what

two gross bathroom things
today

what

first
I'm in the bathroom and some guy is taking a dump
and I hear him unwrap something and start eating
while he's crapping!

lol

and he's not even trying to hide it!
he's like going umm umm umm umm while chewing

ha, ha
could you tell what he was eating

honestly I would guess a sandwich or something like that

so what's the second thing

so. . .I just went in the bathroom to go pee
and the cleaning lady opens the door and says hello!

while your in the bathroom?

I say yeah someone is in here

like it's not big thing

but she still comes in anyways!

ha, ha
was she embarrassed that you were in there

so I hurry up and ask why did you even ask if anyone was in here
she doesn't say a thing
and I walked out
thats the third time that has happened

that she's walked in on you

a cleaning lady yeah
so I'm calling the management company to complain
I've had enough

yeah, what if it were a man walking into the lady's room, people wouldn't put up with that
Although I wouldn't call that second thing gross as much as I would call in stupid

yeah

My husband thinks I'm an unwarranted bitch.

My feelings are a little hurt because my husband thinks I'm a bitch when it's not necessarily warranted. I take my bitching duties very seriously and wouldn't be a bitch to someone who didn't deserve it. Anyway, I was telling him how a couple of people associated with the play were pissing me off and so I responded in kind. He told he thinks I relish the bitch role too much sometimes and maybe I'm the one at fault. OK, I have no problem fixing a problem if I'm the source, and if people told me to fix a problem in an appropriately respectful way, there's no problem. But when people try to be snotty about it and lord some kind of imaginary authority over me, that's when I flip the bitch switch. I guess I'm hurt that after 12 years of marriage, he actually thought it was anything but that.

Ugh.

I just ate too many Cadbury mini easter eggs. The milk chocolate eggs with a crunchy candy coating. They're so good and now my stomach hurts. That wasn't good decision making on my part. So, we've started learning the dances for the musical and I was getting a little pissed with one of the choreographers last night because he kept making us do this thing over and over without a break and telling us to always be aware of formation. I was like, man, you just taught us this stupid thing. Why don't you let actually learn it before we start worrying about formation? It would be nice if we actually got what we were doing down before we start fine tuning, which only makes sense to me, but I'm not a choreographer, so what do I know? I'm enjoying myself, but I find it frustrating to be criticized by choreographers and musicals directors who don't even have the shit completely together for themselves.

Am I twisted?

Is it cruel that I want to buy this so I can watch squirrels get tossed around like so many sacks of feed? They sell something like this at a local farmer's market and I totally want to buy it so I can hang from the tree that's in the back of my house so I can watch the squirrels get messed up while I'm doing dishes. I laugh every time I see it.

Random IM conversation between me and my brother

Him: Man am I hungry
we don't have anything to eat!

Me: go eat lunch then
are you at home

Him: our cupboards are bare

Me: eat some cereal

Him: no thanks

Me: what's wrong with cereal

Him: I had cereal already today

Me: so
that's the beauty of cereal, you can have it more than once

you can't eat the same thing twice today

yes you can

no you can't

yes you can
I often eat cereal for breakfast and dinner

then you aren't get bio divergent nutrients

Well, I eat high quality cereal

then you are nutritionally deficient

no I'm not

yes you are

no I'm not

yup!

no

if you eat the same thing twice a day you are

no I'm not
I eat different cereals

from breakfast and dinner
or from day to day?

both

what about the beta ceretine or protein.
or iron

I get that from lunch
I try to eat veggie loaded lunches

still not good enough

yes it is

need to eat different stuff
for sure

I do eat different stuff, it's not like I eat cereal for breakfast and dinner all the time

now you change the answer!
LOL

No I didn't
I said I often have it for breakfast and dinner, not I always have it for breakfast and dinner.

then you are often nutritionally deficient but not all days

I am always perfectly balanced, just like one of the dog whisperer's dogs

Why, why, why?

My brother and sister-in-law are leaving today for an 8-day vacation in Europe. I'm really, really happy for them. Actually, I'm green with envy, but the boy says he will bring back chocolate, so I guess I'll wish them a good time. Might have a ghost hunt lined up. Apparently, there are a couple of spirits in the theatre where we're performing Zombies, so you know I am all over that bitch. Maybe I'll actually see something this time.

This stinks.

OK, I'm home by myself right now, except for the dog, and there's absolutely nothing on television that I'd like to watch. Do you know how often I get the opportunity to watch whatever I want? Not often. And I can't even enjoy it this time. I don't have rehearsal tonight, so it's a nice little break. I should actually work on my lines, as I haven't really done that yet. My dog has an ear infection. As you can tell, I've got a lot of exciting stuff going on in my life right now. Here's a picture of my dog. Isn't she cute?



Now she's walking around sniffing this bench where we keep her freeze dried cow lung, which is like doggie crack or something because she can't get enough of it. I only let her have a little every day, though, because too much of a good thing usually kills you.

So Britney Spears, mmm,mmm, mmm. Is that girl a hot mess or what? I feel bad for her kids. Someone needs to give her a good slap to the face and tell her to get the fuck over herself already and realize she's got kids to raise and that she's got a lot less problems than most people. I don't know if I can live in a world where K-Fed comes out looking like the better parent. It's just not something that my mind can comprehend and trying to is pushing the grey matter to critical mass. That's all I've got to say about that.

That was a very good movie

I just finished watching Stranger than Fiction with Will Ferrel and Emma Thompson and it was a really good movie. Not that I wasn't expecting it not to be because, hey, I did order it from Netflix and it's not like I wanted it to suck or anything, but I didn't expect to enjoy it as much as I did. So if you haven't already, go watch it. That is a command.

Happy days are here again

Short and sweet, we have a new iMac and we have new high speed internet access. The world is my oyster. Play practice is going well, and that's about all I have time to say.

Shoot me now.

Have I mentioned before how much I hate Indiana and snow? I think I have. We might have a blizzard later today. I'm really excited. Until the blizzard hits, we're happily occupied with the subzero temperatures and endless lake effect snow. I may or may not have rehearsal depending on the weather later in the day.

My daughter had some kids over on Sunday to go sledding and one of the boys she invited couldn't come because he's a bit sick, so his mother asked if my daughter could come over to their house this Friday for a playdate to makeup for her son not being able to make the sledding day. I told her that would have been great but that my husband was planning on taking our daughter on a zoo tour of several cities while they had the long weekend. So that was that. When I got off the phone I told my daughter how her friend's mother had wanted her to come over but a playdate but that she couldn't. So then my daughter says, "But I really don't want to go on the zoo tour because with the weather it's probably not going to be any fun." I told her that was something she had to discuss with her father. So she goes to my husband and says, "Dad, I really don't think it's a good idea to go on the zoo tour this weekend because the weather is bad and everything. You don't mind, do you?"

My husband, I could tell, was little disappointed with this and said they didn't have to go, but he thought it was something that she would really enjoy. She went into logic mode and said that she would if the weather were better and that they'll only be able to see inside exhibits. She then took him by the hand and asked him to join her in a private conversation. When they came back, she asked me to call her friend's mother and see if she could still go on the playdate. My husband sat down and said, "I've just been stood up for a nine-year-old." So it begins.

So cold, so very cold.

K, so it's been colder than a Yeti's testicles here in at the crossroads of America. My daughter's school was closed down Monday and Tuesday because the temperatures were so low. We were experiencing windchills of about -25 degrees. According to doctors, exposed skin can freeze solid in about 15 minutes at those temperatures. So pretty much everyone cancelled school. It was fine for the kids, but that meant I had to take her to work with me, which is fine for the most part, but I usually end up being somewhat distracted by her. Luckily, she likes hanging out under my desk because she thinks it like a cave or something and I can almost forget she's there at times. She'll periodically stick her head out, like when I feed her or something like that. What I find interesting is that while all the secondary schools closed down, the university stayed open. Obviously, they didn't care about the health and welfare of the kids who have to walk all over campus to get to class. So a co-ed loses a nose, it could be worse. Anyway, it's starting to warm up a little, and by a little we're currently at 13 degrees, which is practically subtropical compared to what we have been living with over the last few days.

And while we're talking about crazy, what the hell is the deal with that astronaut lady? Who puts on Depends so they don't have to stop at the bathroom. I think that's the craziest part of the entire story. But you know, astronauts are trained to just pee in their suits, I think because it can be awhile before you can detach yourself from your seat to go use the toilet like during take-off and stuff. I personally think it would be hard to make myself pee while I was sitting in the car just because we're so conditioned to not pee anywhere but the toilet. That's unless you're a guy, of course. Then it's probably not hard at all.

Bow down before my magnificence!

So, I have gotten "official word" and I'll be playing the part of Charlene in the South Bend Civic Theatre production of Zombies from the Beyond. I'm pretty stoked. I haven't done a play in 20 years and I can't wait. I think it's going to be awesome fun.

I have a secret.

I just found out something that is making me very excited, but I can't say anything about it because I'm not supposed to know. I'll fill you in as soon as I get official word, because until I get official word, I don't know for sure that I have something to be excited about, if you know what I mean. So, I'll keep you posted. Keep your fingers crossed.

P.S. Damn, is it February already?

Curtain time.

OK, OK, I can take a hint. But if this post isn't wildly exciting, you can't blame me. As my brother mentioned, I'm auditioning for a musical tonight called "Zombies from the Beyond" at our local civic theatre. I haven't been in a play since high school, so this should be an interesting experience. I've been preparing by practising the dance number from the Thriller video and I think I'm a sure thing. Another thing I've been working on is spontaneously forcing my left eyeball to pop out of its socket so that it's hanging out by the optic nerve. It's a pretty cool effect and I figure there aren't going to be too many people who can pull that one off. I'm in like flint, as they like to say.

The thing that has been keeping me from posting lately is my daughter's new iPod. My parents got her a 30 GB video iPod for Christmas and I've been obsessed with seeing how much stuff I can get on that thing. I can't stop. I feel like I have to put something new on it everyday. My brother thinks I have a problem, but, seriously, so far I've put like six movies, a dozen schoolhouse rocks videos, over 200 songs, about ten audiobooks, and God knows what else, and there's still something like 23 GB of memory on this thing. It's amazing. I feel like I will never be able to fill it up. At first I thought it was a bit of overkill because my daughter's only nine and that it was just too much technology for someone that young, but she loves it. She spends more time on the iPod then she used to spend with her DS, so that must mean something.

When will my sister learn!

Her Blog is for my pleasure! and to provide me with reading enjoyment she must post interesting witty and generally stimulating posts to this blog EVERY day! and they can't all be about my dog's bug squeezings because those are old hat for me now. Did all you people know about try outs for the play? I think thats interesting! I'd like to know her method! how she'll "Become" a zombie etc. Or hand feeding the dog thats an interesting topic. Come on now throw us a bone would ya!

Podcast #19

Shits and giggles abound as we discuss matching boxer shorts, among other things.


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It's Mookie's birthday

Today is my dog Mookie's first birthday. She had a party at doggy daycare yesterday and, by all accounts, the dogs had a marvelous time. Mookie chowed down on her birthday cake with great enthusiasum, I am told. Anyway, yay for Mookie. OK, I have this thumb nail which is my picking nail and I've managed to pick it halfway down. I've never gotten that far down to the quick with a nail and it's pretty gross looking, but I can make myself stop picking it because I kind of switched to picking from biting my nails. Obviously, something had to be done, though, so I put a fake acrylic nail on it. It looks pretty out of place with the rest of the fingers on my hand because I didn't do anything with the other nails. But, seriously, I had to do something because I was heading into dangerous territory with the nail destruction. I got it down so far that I started to have a morbid curiousity about how far down I could get it. Would it be possible for me to actually pick the entire thing off? I figure once you start wondering shit like that, having a mutant looking fake nail on my thumb isn't so bad.

Don't try this at home.

Most of the time, I'm brilliant. But I must admit that even I sometimes have a bad idea. To wit, I made myself a cup of Land O Lakes luxury hot chocolate, which has pieces of real chocolate in it. This is a fine thing, but I usually end up with all the pieces kind of semi-melted at the bottom of my cup. So today I looked down at those mushy bits and thought, "Hey, why don't I pour some hot water in here and see if I can get it to dissolve all the way?" This little experiment might have actually worked if I bothered to put hot water in the mug, but since I'm lazy and don't judge the passing of time well, I poured some water from the hot pot I'd used to make my hot chocolate in the first place, only to find out when I tried to taste my new chocolatey treat that the water wasn't hot anymore and that the final product was cold and very thin in taste. Which means it was gross. Also, it didn't really melt the chocolate pieces at all. Guess I'll have to just stick to sliding the chocolate into my mouth with a swizzle stick.

Damn

I cannot get back into the swing of things. My husband is home dry-heaving right now. My brother witnessed an actual dog butt-milking. My daughter has only been back to school one day and she is already complaining that one of her friends is trying to steal another one of her friends. It seems that everyone else has had no problem getting back to business as usual. I've been sitting here wondering why I keep smelling this sweet, fruity scent and then I finally realized it's my deodorant. Actually, it's my daughter's deodorant. I couldn't find mine this morning so I used hers and it smells like strawberries. Now that that mystery is solved, I can feel like I really accomplished something today. I am experiencing some post-nasal drip at this very second. Hold on, I've got to go get some tissue. OK, I'm back. I was gone longer than expected because I decided to use the restroom while I was there.

I only just realized.

I was in the process of switching over to this "new" Blogger and found a bunch of comments people had left that were waiting to be moderated, whatever the hell that means. I'm sorry for those of you who left comments and never heard anything back about them. I didn't know. I didn't know. Anyway, thanks for all of you who did leave comments and hopefully, I'll be more aware in the future.

It's the girls' turn.

Not as funny as the original, but everyone gets equal time here.

I'm stupid and fat, but Merry Christmas

I made the big mistake of not only stepping on a scale last night, but also actually looking at it. Now I'm completely grossed out with myself. Well, all I can do is get back on track with exercise and diet. I know part of the reason for the weight gain is that I haven't been able to exercise at my normal level because of the knee injury, but I've also been eating a lot of junk lately. Anyway, things are getting back to normal because I'm pretty much disgusted at this moment. On a happier note, this is my last day at work until after New Year's, so here's to wishing all of you the best of the holiday season.

Hate me if you want to

OK, it's completely crude and vulgar, but it's also hilarious. I mean, really hilarious. So, watch it now.

So you think you are cool

My sister thinks she is super cool and sneeky. In reality she isn't she posted something to my blog wondering how long it would take for me to find it. I find it immediately! I have ways of knowing what you are doing! I can shoot bullets with my mind! that called telekenisis! I'm everywhere yet no where! On another note taking the dog to get her butt milked again today so that will be fun. I'll be sure to bring some tupperware to put the juice in for my sister so she can examine it with her daughter's microscope or something.

Hiya! rock and roll a one time!

Christmas so far

I'm really behind in a lot of things. I've only just sent my sister's presents out and I got my cards in the mail yesterday. I used to be so organized. I'd have the cards addressed and ready to go by Dec. 1. Every year, I'm a little less prepared than the year before. What's that about. I'm still working on the paint job in my daughter's room that I started Thanksgiving weekend. I just cannot get my shit together very well. We tried to get a new water heater, but when the guy came yesterday to install the one we'd gotten from Lowe's, he found out it was too tall for the venting system and that, in fact, the way our venting pipe was angled downward poses a carbon monoxide poisoning hazard. We've had the current water heater for about five years, so I was mad that the people who installed that one never bothered to mention the venting problem. Jackasses obviously didn't care if my family never woke up. Anyway, our basement is pretty drafty and it has been five years and we haven't had a problem, but now we have to order a different heater and that meant cancelling the order from Lowe's because they didn't have what we needed or wanted. I originally ordered a fifty-gallon heater with a self-cleaning feature and Lowe's didn't have one that was short enough to put the vent pipe at a safer angle, but the guy tried to sell me a forty-gallon without a self-cleaning feature, which is basically what we have right now. I asked him why I would spend money on something that's not at all what I want. Anyway, that's just one little snipet of Christmas so far.

Good Stuff

I got this e-mail from my dad. It's supposedly written by Ben Stein. I don't know if it is or isn't, but I think it's worth reading, regardless.

Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my beating heart:

I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is, either, and I do not care at all about Tom Cruise's wife.

Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are. Is this what it means to be no longer young. It's not so bad.

Next confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

What a tangled web we weave...

While my daughter and I were brushing our teeth this morning, she asked me, "Mom, you want to play with my DS today, right?"

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe, why?" (I've never played with my daughter's Nintendo DS until very recently because she received a game that has solitaire on it and I've been playing that.)

"Well, if I can't play with my DS, that's means you can't play with my DS, and you want to play with my DS, right?" she asked again.

"I don't know." I replied. I was a little confused about this line of conversation because I had no idea where it was going.

"Just remember," she said, "if dad asks if I wore my retainer last night, tell him I did."