I suffered fools so gladly.

Today I'm feeling like I'm nothing more than here. I just spent the last hour watching Madonna videos on my computer. I love how modern technology gives you so many ways to screw around at work. Just think, when I first started working, the most I could do was play solitaire, now I can watch music videos. Woohoo. There's a stream of consciousness exercise I've done before in my writing workshops where you listen to music and write whatever comes to your mind. Let's try that right now and see what happens. I'm listening to music. Let's see what it inspires.

Sometimes when I"m jogging I imagine all the paths I could've taken in life. The funny thing about choices is that you only get to see one to the end when the possibilties are limitless. Take today for example: what happens tomorrow follows from what I do today. How many possible tomorrows are there? I wish we could have a television set that would play all the alternate endings to a life, just like a DVD special feature. I'm interested in the fork in the road. Where does it come in a day? Which second presents the possiblity for divergence? We all think our days are pretty predictable, and I guess they are for the most part, but one day the unexpected happens. I'm thinking of my uncle right now. He was up fixing his roof and had a heart attack and died. My aunt had gone to the store when he was on the roof and when she came back, he was on the ground with the neighbor trying to revive him with CPR. I think of my uncle waking up that morning. He figured he'd be putting his head down in the same spot from where he'd just lifted it, and that's not what happened. Who wakes up thinking this is the day I'm going to die?

The other day a commercial came on for the Make a Wish Foundation and my daughter asked what it was. I told her it's an organization that gives wishes to sick children who will probably die and won't get the opportunity to make their wishes come true for themselves. She asked why they die and I told her they die because theire bodies can't keep going anymore. It made her really sad and she said kids don't deserve to die and I said, no they don't, but it happens. So many possible tomorrows and we spend so much time cursing the moment as if it's eternal, as if there's not the possibility for some new thing right around the corner.

New Link

OK, this is just a quick note to point out yet another new blog link. Confessions of an online dater. It's interesting.

And just in case you're wondering, yes, I do sometimes actually work at work.

Just Wondering.

I don't think I'm utilizing my blog's full capabilities. I'm looking at some other blogs and see that people make numerous posts a day and detail every last second of their lives. What I really wonder is how do they have time to make so many posts. Sometimes my husband spends his entire evening on the computer and I often think it's excessive. My daughter has been getting into the act lately and saying,"Dad, don't you want to spend time with your family." Kids are sooooo good at dishing out the guilt. Of course, computer time hasn't been so much of a problem since I got the Gamecube. My husband and daughter are plugged into that thing for a good couple of hours a day. On the one hand, they're spending time together because they play together. On the other hand, I don't want my daughter turning into a vidiot. I'm actually a little surprised at how much she seems to enjoy playing because I always thought girls didn't get into video games the way boys do.

But it's funny to watch my daughter when she hears the video game turn on if she's in another part of the house. Her head jerks up like a prarie dog catching the sent of a coyote and she listens very carefully until she's sure that, yes, the video game marathon has begun. Then she tears into the livingroom screaming, "Dad, wait for me. Don't start without me." Yeah, some real Kodak moments being created here.

We've only got the one television, so when the games are on, that's my cue to go entertain myself. I'm sometimes tempted to get another t.v. for our bedroom. but there have been several studies lately that suggest children become too disconnected from the family when they have the means to hole themselves up and watch t.v. on their own. I'd never let my daughter have a t.v. for her room, but I don't want her being able to watch it anywhere in the house when we can't directly monitor it. Sounds Orwellian, I know, but t.v. today is not what it used to be.

Everything old is new again.

We got some good news last night--friends of ours from DC are going to be in our neck of the woods next week and will stop by for dinner. We haven't seen these folks in years. Chris and Sue and their two sons. Chris was my husband's best man and they used to work together at the bakery. They've never met our daughter, so it'll be great fun catching up with everything and everyone.

It's interesting, I still think of DC as home, although I'll probably never live there again. The traffic there is too crazy for real life. You literally spend half your day in the car trying to get from point A to point B. Not a good way to spend your time. I do miss the variety and sophistication of the place, but I'd rather spend time with my daughter and see her grow. In DC, we'd probably only see her a couple of hours a day between work, school and commuting. Although I sometimes feel as if I'm trapped in Mayberry living here, at least the pace is slower. And that counts for a lot when you've got a family. Also, living in a major metropolitan area tends to be pretty superficial. People are too concerned about the way they look and everyone's too worried about having more than the next guy. It's all just shit and people fool themselves into thinking it's really a life worth living. No thanks, I say.

I'd also like to take this time to put in a special plug for one of the blogs I'm linked to. If you haven't already, go take a look at Desperate Dad. B-day is fast approaching, and I wouldn't want any of you to miss the ride. :-)

P.S. You'll also see that I've been reincarnated as breakfast cereal. What's really odd, though, is that it's not the first time in my life.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

There's an ant walking on my window and I'm wondering if it's worth the trouble to get up and kill the little bastard. Oops, now I don't see it. Too late. My brother-in-law's mother passed away last week. I'm not particularly close to my brother-in-law. He's not a bad guy or anything. We're just in-laws, if you know what I'm talking about. At any rate, it's never easy when you lose a parent (not that I know from personal experience, thank God). His mother died of cancer. I'd only met her a couple of times, but she seemed to have a very sad life in that she always seemed to me to just be biding her time. I just can't imagine thinking life is so not worth the effort that you just simply exist. That's what her life was like. Sometimes I think now that the days of my life blur into one big haze, but what if that haze were filled with nothing more than getting up in the morning only to wait until it's time to go to sleep at night. My life's a haze because there's so much packed into it. Her life was a haze because there was nothing to fill it. There's, of course, a lot of background to the whole thing, but it'll take more time to explain than it's really worth. Let's just say she was as much to blame for the emptiness of her life as anyone else. All I know is that when I finally check out, I'd like to think people wake up the next day and realize something's different. I'd hope that my absence is as tangible as my presence.

Hell on Earth.

Walk the walk.

So we have to endure every parent's worst nightmare this weekend and take the child to Chuckie Cheese. (spooky background music here) I hate Chuckie Cheese, which is in direct correlation to how much my daughter loves it. But we told her she could pick the restaurant where we celebrate her good grades. If you've never been to Chuckie Cheese, it's basically a real-life manifestation of Lord of the Flies. It's just kids, loads of crazy kids running around like lunatics. Add to that the fact they're all suped-up on sugar, caffeine and grease from the soda and pizza. The flashing lights, I'm sure, increase their agitation by inducing some sort of hyper-stimulated brain wave activity. It's nuts, man. I'm telling you, it's nuts. I usually just sit and wait it out while my husband and daughter play the video games, but I've been told I WILL be playing games on this visit so that my daughter can get as many tickets as humanly possible. The reason for earning tickets, of course, is to trade them in for useless little toys that only cost a fraction of what you paid for the tokens to win the tickets in the first place. It's genius when you think of it. I'm sure Chuckie Cheese, Inc. is rolling in the dough. Did you know, by the way, that the guy who started Atari is the person responsible for Chuckie Cheese? It's true. He wanted to have a place to put his video games, so he came up with the idea of Chuckie Cheese, not knowing the restaurant would prove a stronger animal than Atari.

I am the down-trodden.

So the books finally came in today and I've just spent the entire afternoon on the mailing. Wow! It was the most fun I've ever had. That's a lie. I'm sitting here thinking about going grocery shopping before I pick up my daughter rather than after. My primary reason for wanting to shop without her is that I get away cheaper for the trip when she's not with me. I remember when my siblings and I were children we'd drive our mother crazy by re-enacting the commercials for every product she picked off the shelves. My daughter doesn't recite the commercials as much as tell me why I should get a certain product.

"Mom, this helps you clean everything really quickly. Like, super quick."
"How do you know this?"
"I saw the commercial, and it worked really fast."
"What do we say about the stuff on television?"
"It's a lie."

Well, I am off to grocery shop sans the child.

Makes you think.

I've linked to a new blog. Life in Debt. Anyway--not to make any of my fellow bloggers nervous by making you wonder what people must think of your deepest thoughts--this guy is seriously messed up. He's 33 and apparently suffers from a spending addiction that has sent him down a very troubled path. Assuming everything on the blog is true, he is tortured. There's no doubt about that. Reading his blog is like watching a car crash. Just go read it for yourself. But my main reason for pointing out this link is because he confesses to his infidelity. The fact that he's cheating on his wife isn't what's necessarily so shocking. Rather, it's disturbing to me how nonchalant the whole thing is. He feels bad about it, but it all seems to happen so casually--as if by accident. "Ooops, so sorry about my penis falling into your vagina like that. Do pardon me." It makes me wonder about men in general. Not that I think all men are destined to wander, but when it does happen, is this how it happens.

I had an anthropology class in college where the professor said the only animals who mate for life are those where the male and female are externally, virtually indistinguishable from each other. Like Gibbons. This means there aren't many species that naturally mate for life. He called male mate-for-lifers 'dads' and the rest 'cads.' Did you know that male chimpanzee have been observed to basically 'gang-bang' female chimpanzee? They rape them. Obviously, they're cads. Anyway, from a stictly biological point of view, human men would be cads. This raises the question, then, whether or not humans fight their internal programming by forcing themselves into monogamous relationships. Just so you know up front, I believe anyone who would try and use this line of thinking as a serious justification for cheating is an ASS. But I'm playing devil's advocate right now. So is this how a person ends up in an extramarital affair? They just fall into it. I do find it interesting how people try to deny their free will by suggesting they "can't help themselves." What does that mean? This is not a topic I spend any time pondering upon, but Debt's blog just got me wondering.

P.S. Although I said I wasn't planning on placing many audio posts, I think I just might end up doing that while we're on vacation next month.

Poor Kid.

I'm trying to determine if my daughter's recent behavior is reflective of her age or her disposition. It seems a couple of girls have been making fun of her name at the summer program she attends. Of course, this hurts her feelings. However, she's not been telling them that it hurts her feelings and is too embarrassed to say anything to the teachers. I asked her why and she said because that would be mean. She seems particularly sensitive to this type of treatment and doesn't seem to have the confidence to stick up for herself. I try to explain to her that letting her feelings and disapproval be known to the offending parties does not constitute "meanness," but she's not interested in listenting to that. My husband just says she should punch them out. Luckily, she's a smart girl and usually responds, "DAD!!! That's not the right answer." Of course, I'm silently agreeing with the old man, but we can't really let her think that's a legitimate coping tool. I just don't know how I managed to produce a child with such a dearth of violent tendencies considering I usually was one of the kids who hit first and talked later. That only happened a handfull of times, but still, I'd hit 'em.

So I'm left trying to figure out how to get her to stand up for herself. I changed tactics a bit and tried to explain to her that she can't control other people's behavior, but she can always control hers. I told her she doesn't need to be hurt by these girls because they have no impact on her life if that's what she chooses. They're vapor and as consequential to her life as dung beetles. Strangely enough, she seemed to grasp that better than contemplating speaking up for herself. Explain that one to me.

Tell me why I don't like Mondays.

Because they suck, that's why. Before I rejoined the rat race of Mon.-Fri., I was fortunate enough to only work Tues.-Thurs. Little did I know what a leisurely pace that was. I always had a four-day weekend. Not that my house is ever as clean as I'd like it to be, it certainly came closer to it when I had the two extra days to work on it. Now I feel like I'm drowning in my own filth. We definitely need to get the vents cleaned. I'm sure that will make my life a little better.

I had a weird dream the other night. I'm in a public restroom pulling down my pants and underwear when I notice a shadow pass over me from the corner of my eye. I look up and there's a man staring down at me from over the stall wall. What's that supposed to be about? I'm sure somebody would say it has something to do with a fear of being exposed, but that's not really a fear for me. But it's weird. I have these dreams that don't seem connected to anything going on in my life and even as I'm dreaming them, in the back of my mind I'm wondering where does this come from. I have dreams sometimes where I'm screaming in the dream and I can tell that my body is actually trying to scream too, but I can't get the sound out of my mouth. I'll be somewhat aware of trying to scream and knowing it's not working. Those are weird, too. When I was studying French in high school and college, I'd sometimes have dreams in French where I understood everything and I spoke it properly, but I knew if I were awake, none of it would make sense as well as it should. How can you speak better French in your dreams than in real life?

I still remember that my first sexual dream was about Rick Springfield. I was in the 8th grade when I had it. Rick and I are walking down a hallway to his apartment. He's wearing a red satin shirt. It's open about three buttons down from his neck so you can see his chest hair. In the dream I thought this was really alluring, but in real life, I hate chest hair. Come to think of it, I don't even know if Rick Springfield actually has chest hair. So we get to his apartment door and he opens it and we walk in. There are candles everywhere and a fire is going in the fireplace. I am wearing a white blouse and tight Jordache jeans. In the dream I was grown-up and not an eighth-grader. So I sit down on the couch next to Rick and we start kissing, very tenderly as first, but then Rick becomes more demanding. I become lost in the heat of it all and I respond quite enthusiastically. It's all basically like a trashy romance novel after that. We don't actually have sex in the dream, but Rick does unbutton my blouse and performs a lot of nipple licking and sucking. At some point I take his shirt off, too, but we never take our pants off. Those stay on the entire dream. Anway, I woke up and had those strange tingling feelings (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) that I just didn't understand. I remeber feeling quite satisfied with myself thinking I was old enough to have sex dreams. I never did dream about RIck again after that, but he always holds a special place in my heart.

TGIF.

I am tired. It's just the end of the week, I guess. I'm sitting here trying to decide if I'll drag my lazy ass to the gym to run after work or not. I love the internal debates I have when it comes to exercise. I really do enjoy it, and I always feel good after I've run. The problem is when I'm sitting here and I fell soooooo tired, I convince myself it's more trouble than it's worth. No, I'll go run because I've been traveling and I haven't gotten into the gym yet this week. Why are all Sinead O'Connor's albums after the first one crap? What happened?

The magazine is supposed to come from the printer today. We'll see if that actually comes to pass. My friend Elena stopped by last night with the girls and the baby. He's only a week old, but he seemed pretty alert in the eyes. He kept his eyes steady and focused. He is a cute little monkey. You just forget how helpless they are when they're that young. You know, just a floppy bag of skin and bones wrapped up nicely in poop. The one thing I've always wondered about with babies and poop is how they get the projectile pooping up the back. Tell me how it's possible from a physics point of view. Seriously, from which angle and at what speed is the poop coming out of their butt so that it ricochets perfectly off the diaper to blast right up their back? In the whole scheme of things it wouldn't be so bad if this incredible projectile pooping happened when you had a change of clothing and loads of wet wipes. But, of course, that's not when it happens. Not ever.

But it is so obvious to me when I see little new-borns that I am perfectly happy with the one child. She really is all I need, And I love the size of our little family. It's the perfect size to me. I never get those odd urgings for another one when I hold a baby. Doesn't do a damn thing for me, thank God. We're at three weeks and counting until we leave for our vacation out to Washington state. It should be a really good time. My husband and I haven't had a really nice, leisurely road trip since our honeymoon. I'm really excited about showing my daughter all the tacky tourist stops. You know life ain't nothing till you've seen the biggest ball of twine in the world and a two-headed snake.

P.S.

I forgot to mention earlier that I bought my husband a nintendo gamecube out of guilt over forgeting his birthday. That makes me a good wife after all, right? Hmmmm, yeah.

Babies, Men and Women.

I had an interesting "discussion" with my husband this morning. He asked me how Michelle and Bennett were doing with the babies and I told him that it's the same old thing: the mother is soooo tired and the father is trying but the mother still feels like she's not getting the sort of help she actually needs and the father just feels like the wife is harping on him because she doesn't give him any credit. Of course, we suffered through exactly the same thing when we had our daughter. Anyway, as we were having this "discussion," defending our respective sexes, I found it amazing how quickly the hackles rise on this subject.

Men, your women are dead tired. They have just pushed your progeny out of their bodies into the world. But that's not the end of it. Once that business is taken care of, they get to be big ole lactating cows. From you to the baby--we never get our tits back. Right now, we really do think we hate you. We look at your face and we want to bash it in. That's the God-honest truth. You don't seem to take initiative on anything. You just sit there and let us handle it all without coming to the rescue without being asked. You've got to realize we don't have time or energy right now to think about you or worry about your ego. You're just going to have to deal.

Women, your men are dead tired. They've just spent nine months watching you transform into someone they don't know, and they don't know what to do about it. They want to help you, they really do. But they've never even held a baby before, let alone having had to see to one's every need. They're afraid to take the initiative and do something because they know you're going to yell them out for not doing it the way that you wanted them to. It's not out of laziness that they're waiting for you to tell them what to do. You've got to realize they've just become parents, too, and they're torn between feeling helpless and wanting to take action. It's not surprising they get stuck somewhere in the middle. You're just going to have to deal.

Bad Wife.

OK, this is my official I'm a bad wife day. Today is my husband's birthday and I FORGOT!!! But before I get too absorbed in my self-flagellation, I'll preface all this by telling you he forgot my birthday last year. I guess this is what happens when you've been married ten years. So, I'll have to stop by the store tonight to get him a cake and card. I'll take him out to dinner, too. Other than that, it's just another day.

Finally managed to get Jeanine on her way. They closed Chicago last night because of a thunderstorm, so she had to stay another night to catch the next flight out this morning. C'est la vie. It was great getting to see her and Michelle again. It was like no time had passed since we sat at lunch talking trash about everyone else in the world. Sigh. Good memories. I still can't believe I forgot my husband's birthday. That's pretty bad. Cool, Kate Bush is playing.

Sometimes I really wonder about this whole aging thing. In my mind I still feel 16. I feel like I should still be able to run around like a fool. Not really thinking about more than a good time. If I were a rock star, I could still live that life. What's the quick path to rock stardom? If anyone out there has the answer, let me know. But I wouldn't be a Janis Joplin rock star. I don't want to die. And how cliche is that anyway? Let me drink myself to death and let them all find me in a pool of vomit and shit-filled undies. So glamorous. I've always wondered why rock stars drink and drug so much. Most people are doing these things because they want to escape their real lives. Let's think about rock stars: you're rich, you're famous, you can have sex with anyone you want. What reality are you trying to escape? Yeah, man. You've got it bad. Life's just not fair, is it? Doesn't make a lick of sense to me.

I saw this documentary on HBO the other day about how bad the meth problem is in rural areas of the country. It's apparently the drug of choice for Farmer Bob and his cronies. What I couldn't believe is that they showed this couple shooting up in their kitchen. So the guy is melting the meth in the spoon to shoot up and he sucks that crap into the syringe and it's dirty. I mean it's brown and there are pieces of dirt floating around inside the needle and they shoot this into their veins. Why not just mix up some mud and shoot up on that? It was really disgusting. I guess that just goes to show how bad addictions can be.

Interview #13

I know it's been awhile, but I've got a very special interview today. It's my friend Jeanine and we used to work together at the American Nurses Association. She, Michelle and I were the cultural diversity squad at ANA. So, let's get the interview going.

KC: Tell me your worst nightmare.

JWG: It's a toss-up between drowning or dying from fire.

KC: Why those two things?

JWG: Because I'm a good swimmer and I've always thought how could you not swim away if you're in trouble, and I worked for a lawyer once who worked on an arson case and I saw pictures of the people killed in the fire and I thought just shoot me but don't let me fry like that.

KC: What has been your impression of the Midwest on this visit?

JWG: The intellectual midwest I just saw or what I think of South Bend and Mishawaka. Ha, ha, ha. No really, it strikes me as being so southern in many ways in that everyone is nice and the pace is so slow--probably out of fear--and finally she said isn't the weather so nice. But, it just strikes me as the outskirts of Savannah and you can see these people with their denim and dixieland flags. But it's funny because it doesn't seem like Notre Dame belongs here because you walk around and it's nice and sunny but you feel like people are talking about more than how high the corn is growing.

KC: I should give our viewers some background information on you. Jeanine is a graduate of Mount Holyoke College. She received her degree in Politics because at Mount Holyoke they believe it's an art as well as a science. She currently works in Northern Virginia a communications professional. Also, she's very funny and she's from Savannah, GA. So she's a Georgia Peach.

What's been the weirdest thing about being married in your opinion?

JWG: I think the absolute weirdest thing is people calling me Mrs. (Name). I still haven't gotten used to that.

KC: Who are you voting for?

JWG: Not a Bush fan, but I'm also not a Kerry fan. So, I'm just waiting for someone to surprise me or make me feel good about them before it's time to vote, I believe this is the first year where I cannot honestly say, "Yeah, that's the one." Neither one does it for me.

KC: What is the most dangerous aspect of people's silent racism in America today?

JWG: Well, it's hard to fight something that you can't see so in many instances the person who is silent may be the very person you desperately want something from or need something from. But if they're racist, you can't get it and you're doing what you can to make yourself the best candidate for a job, making a bid on a house, getting an approval for a loan. And it's incredible the many ways racism can affect your life. But of course you don't have to succumb to that.

KC: What's been the most disturbing thing that ever happened to you because of your race?

JWG: I think the most disturbing thing is the first thing I can ever remember happening and that was riding down the street on my bike with my girlfriend--who was white--and having these teenage boys call me nigger.

KC: How old were you?

JWG: We were in second grade. And it's almost like when you've never been called a name like that before, the impact is so great when someone actually opens their lips to call you that because you're just in shock. In some ways, I'm glad it happened in second grade because it prepared me for life. I'm sure there are worse things people could do than call me a name, but it sets you up to be prepared for the next thing.

KC: What did do? Did you just tell your parents? Did you say anything to the boys?

JWG: No. Actually, I just kept on riding and I never said a word to the boys or my parents. In fact, I don't even remember talking about it with my friend.

KC: Was it out of shame that you kept quiet?

JWG: Possibly. I never really thought about why I never said anything. Living in my neighborhood wasn't easy. Going to my school wasn't easy. I was litterally one of a handful of black people. I didn't want to make it harder on my parents to live there. If they knew people were calling me names, they would've moved. Probably ego had something to do with it because I thought you can't just make me leave by calling me a name.

KC: I think it's interesting to see the level of racism that exists just within the black community itself. I suppose it exists somewhat within white cultre but is seems really pervasive among African-Americans in terms of light-skinned vs. dark-skinned. What's that all about?

JWG: I'm sure it's not any more pervasive in African-American communities as other communities. I once knew a guy who was half Italian and half Brazillan or Portugese, and he's mother was devasted that he'd never marry a full-blooded Italian because she had made him so dark since she was from another culture.

KC: Why would she care if he married a full-blooded Italian.

JWG: I don't know. Her husband was full Italian and they lived in a full Italian town. It was the craziest thing I ever heard. But I do think that in this country, I mean there is such a stigma about being dark over things like where your ancestor worked, whether it was in the big house or outside. And also if you wanted to succeed in America if you were a very light-skinned person you could do that by just denying your African heritage and marrying a white person and fil into the main culture, which gives you access to so many things.

KC: But to continue in that line of thinking doesn't even seem logical anymore.

JWG: True, but it's only been less than two hundred years. To us that sounds like a long time but it's not in the whole scheme of things.

KC: OK, now that you've read some of my past interviews, you're going to have to give up something nasty from your past.

JWG: No way. I am a very prim and proper woman and I don't have anything nasty in my past, At least I'm not dumb enough to let you put it on your blog. I don't have any crazy stuff. I should have hung out with Michael. I kidnapped a man once.

KC: What?1?

JWG: It's not that exciting a story.

KC: It's story, though, right?

JWG: Let me see, I kidnapped someone...I can't tell you about Chris and the gay people, he'll kill me. Dating the three guys, that wasn't that exciting. I'm just boring. I'm everyone's goody-two-shoes friend. Everyone has kids now, I'm still trying to live it up.

KC: I want to know about Chris and the gay people.

JWG: I can't reveal that unless we're divorced.

KC: Pleeeeease. (I'm looking with puppy-dog eyes.)

JWG: I can't.

KC: OK, I guess I'll have to be satisfied with the kidnapping story.

JWG: No, I'm going to think of a really good story and do it via e-mail. (Starts laughing really hard.) My girlfriend Kim and I used to drive by Chris'
house and pretend we're were mailing stuff, just so we could look at his house. Only Kim will find this funny.

KC: OK, I'll take your word on that.

JWG: I guess I'll have to start a blog just so I can interview you.

KC: OK, we're going to cut out now because Jeanine is hooked by the blog bug and we're going to get her started with her own. See you later.

Thelma and Louise ride again.

Well, Thelma and Louise if they had a six-year-old and a bag of gummi bears with them. The trip to Kentucky was great fun. Michelle and Bennett's babies are sooooo cute. Go here if you want to see them Michelle & Bennett's website. They were about six weeks premature, which is not unusual for twins or multiples in general. It's been a long road to parenthood for them and I am so happy everything has worked out.

ROAD TRIP!!!

Well, I must say I am feeling tres excited today. My good friend Jeanine flies in tomorrow morning from DC, and we will then be heading down to Kentucky to visit our other good friend Michelle. Michelle (the Michelle I interviewed some posts back) just had twin girls and we're on the way to see them. It'll be great to see everyone, but it will also be great to see someplace new. I've never been to Louisville, so it's a little mini-adventure for me, as well. However, road tripping today is a little different than it used to be. We will be taking the child, so no beer. Sob, sob. But seriously, I certainly don't condone drinking and driving. It's a joke, people. Chill out. I haven't seen Jeanine since her wedding about three or four years ago. It'll be so much fun.

My husband has to get his pupils dialated for his yearly diabetes-related eye exam. He wanted me to go with him to drive back home afterwards, but he realized he could probably handle it on his own. I will, however, have to figure out ways to mess with him tonight since his vision will be all screwed up. Maybe I'll purposefully shove things in his face like they do with 3D movies. I don't know that that will actually do anything, but it'll be fun experimenting nonetheless.

Happy Days Are Here Again.

Well, the child is back. My mother finally brought her home a couple of days ago and, as predicted, she's already driving me crazy. This time because she's developed some very bad habits over the last three weeks and seems to think she can just do whatever the heck she wants. I figure she'll be finished with time-out by the end of the weekend. It's good we keep her in the bathroom for time-out, so we don't have to worry about any messy accidents during her confinement. I'm glad to have her back home, though. Three weeks is an awfully long time.

Just another day.

The Cure is playing on the streaming radio station I like to listen to. Cool beans. Looks like it's going to be good weather this weekend, which bodes extremely well for my barbeque. Maybe the child is coming home tonight, maybe not. Hopefully, she'll be home tonight. But you never quite know with my mother. Apparently they were all in Ocean City for the past couple of days. Wish I could've been there. I wish I could interview someone. If you know someone interesting, let me know about them. It would seem I've exhausted my supply of interesting people. I've sent out a couple of stories in the past week. We'll see how this round goes. I'm sleepy and my neck hurts. If I ever get really rich, I'm going to hire a personal chiropractor to crack my neck for me whenever I desire it.

Ho hum.

I really don't want to be here right now. I'd rather be home so I can clean the place up for the barbeque this weekend. Instead, I'm forced to sit here and look at a computer screen doing nothing useful. I used to wonder when I still worked for the government how people could stand to be so unessential. The little known secret outside the government is that once you've worked there for three years, it's basically impossible to get rid of you no matter how useless you are. You can only get fired if you fuck up royally--meaning you fuck up in a way that can't be hidden from people on the outside.

When I worked at NIH, the only person I knew of being fired was this completely gross grant analyst who made passes at female PI's when he went on site visits. Needless to say, you can't cover up numerous complaints from highly educated women accussing a government hack of sexual harrassment. Now, if he'd limited his perverted attempts to inhouse women, nothing would have happened to him. So really, he was fired more for being too stupid to follow the unwritten rules of government employment rather than for legitimately deserving to be canned.

The federal government really is an interesting world. The only people who make it a lifetime endeavor are those who don't want to do anything for a living. Anyone who really wants too accomplish something good and decent leaves in frustration because no one's interested in that. They like sitting there getting their paycheck for nothing. The populace should rise against the system and revolt and demand real outcomes for their tax dollars. Of course, for that to happen, the populace has to have some clue as to what the hell actually goes on. So, needless to say, nothing will ever change. Why does the average citizen care so little about what goes on? People complain about the way modern politicians are all spin and nothing else. Do people really think they'd spend so much time selling the superficial if it didn't work? The blame rest squarely on your shoulders, Joe Schmoe. Why don't you take the effort to vote? Why don't you take a little bit of time to read a newspaper and find out what really goes on in the world? Why don't you try to look at the bigger picture? Americans are so lazy. and I'm tired of watching talking heads who avoid real questions. What's wrong with answering a question honestly? Is anyone stupid enough to think every answer out of a politician's mouth is going to be something they actually want to hear or will agree with? Can that be said of anybody on the planet? No. People need to not take stupid shit so seriously.

Whine, whine, whine.

So, I really have nothing to talk about but I am going out of my mind with boredom. I figure rambling on the ole blog should fill a little time. I saw this program the other night on Discovery channel about face transplants. There are three surgical teams around the world currently working on performing a face transplant. The hope is that this sort of surgery would make it possible for people who have been severely injured and deformed by, say, fire to live relatively normal lives again. The doctors want to transplant the face of a dead donor onto the receipient's face. It was really fascinating. It was particularly interesting because the night before watching this program, I happened to watch this movie on HBO called Something the Lord Made about the first heart surgery.

The show and movie parallel each other because they both deal with radical new surgeries of their time. It's interesting to watch how ignorant it seemed for doctors to be so afraid to operate on the heart back then because heart surgery is so common place now. You wonder why were they so afraid. But watching the show on face transplants, you see that that's how many people are greeting the idea of this type of surgery. There's a lot of fear. Like heart surgery today, I'm sure face transplants won't phase a soul in fifty years.

I am now heading into my third week without the child. I miss her. Although, I'm sure when she's back and we're caught up in the normal routine of life, I'll wonder why I spent so much time wishing away my freedom. We always want what we don't have, stupid humans that we are. We've got the big barbeque this weekend. Should be fun. Hopefully the good weather they are predicting will hold true.

It's the same for all of us.

I just finished reading a piece from my thesis director, Valerie Sayers. It's a "confessional" in Image. She talks about her experience being diagnosed with cancer. I was just finishing up the program in 1999 when she got the news. It was interesting reading her account because we outsiders have a completely different memory of it, as it should be. My friend Elizabeth and I were terribly upset by it at the time because she's such a neat lady. But reading her article makes me feel sad because it makes me realize how much of ourselves we hold back from the rest of the world. How many times in life we hurt like hell on the inside and never let it show. Maybe it's a woman thing, I don't know. Why do we do that? Why do we feel like we don't have the right to let everyone know exactly how we feel? Why do we have to put on sunny faces to make everyone else feel comfortable when we're screaming on the inside? Why can't people deal with the screaming? Sorrow and pain are just as much a part of life as happiness and joy. People are allowed to feel those things, too. Why do we have to be ashamed of it? Anyway, it makes me a little bit ashamed to think about the important people in my life right now who are dealing with really hard issues because I think I should do more to let them know that their struggles aren't invisible.

Home Alone

Well, I'm home alone for the first time in ten years. How lovely it is to be me right now. My husband and daughter are off visiting my parents for a week. I couldn't go because I don't have enough vacation. But being alone and not having to do anything for anyone is a really nice break all by itself. Nights are creepy, though. It's too quiet at night, but everything else is OK. I'm hoping to clean a lot of junk out of the house while they're gone. My daughter doesn't play with about half the stuff she has, but god forbid you try to get rid of any of it while she's around:
"Moooom, I still like that."

"You never play with it."

"But I still like it. I'm going to play with it right now."

Anywho, when the cat's away, the mouse will throw all the shit out.

I've just linked to my friend Lynn's blog. I encouraged her to start a blog to vent some of her frustration over not finding a job. Any of you peeps out there reading this, go take a look and see if you can hook her up. She deserves to have a job that will let her realize her full potential.

Escape from Azkaban

We went to watch "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" Friday night and it was alright. This is the first of the HP movies I've watched where I'd read the book beforehand and knew the story. It definitely gives watching the movie a new perspective. I was a little surprised by the things they didn't include in the movie from the book. Little things, really, but still somewhat significant in my mind in terms of understanding the characters and where they're coming from. My daughter really enjoyed it. This is the first of the HP movies we've let her watch in the theatre. We waited until the first two came out on DVD before letting her watch them. But like me, she knew the story ahead of time on this one and she felt that she wouldn't be too freaked out to watch it on the big screen. All in all, she was OK. She was only freaked out at the very first appearance of the dementors in the movie, but at least she knew what they were and what was going to happen, so it wasn't too much of a freak out. She was fine with the rest of the movie.

I Said Oops Upside Your Head.

Why is it that sometimes you're just irritated? I'm irritated right now. Although I know exactly why I'm irritated. There's a particular person I must interact with who basically makes me want to punch his face in anytime I get an e-mail from him. I'm going to throw a few questions out there: 1. Why do certain people think the world revolves around them and that whatever little insignificant thing pops into their head is supposedly important to everyone else out there? 2. Why do certain people think they need to state the obvious? 3. Why do certain people think they even know what the hell is going on in the first place? 4. Why do certain people stay alive despite the fact that they've been threatening to kick the bucket for years anyway? Let me just say something. First of all, I know my job, aight? I don't need some spermatophobic geezer telling me what to do. Especially when said spermatophobic geezer has not a clue as to what I actually do. Second of all, I'm going to be forced to hit someone....really, really hard. Really. Wow. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I don't feel nearly as irritated as I did before. The power of blog. It does a brain good.

Returning manuscripts sucks.

OK, I just finished sending back all the story manuscripts we turned down. It took me nearly four solid days of sludging through it to get them out the door. For those of you who think putting out a literary journal is glamorous, I'm here to tell you it's not. It's very tedious sometimes, and this was one of those times. I especially get aggravated with the people who don't bother including SASE's with their submissions. Those are usually the ones who really get bent out of shape when they don't hear back from you. "I submitted a story several months ago and have yet to get a response back. Your listing in Writers' Market states you respond within three months. It has been longer than three months. Can you tell when you'll get around to making a decision?" Hello, ever heard of a SASE. We all have to shell out the bucks required for submitting. Those are the rules. You're not special. Here's another bit of advise: If it's been a really, really long time since you sent the story out and no one's gotten back,it's probably been rejected. Also, bothering the editors does not make them speed up their review of your story. If anything, it makes them put it at the bottom of the stack so that it takes an even longer time to hear back. We're all busy, get over yourself.

It is what it is.

Not much of anything happening today. Went to my friend Elena's house last night and had some awesome homemade gnocchi. So good. It melted in your mouth. And now I know how to make gnocchi. It's not as hard as I thought it would be. My neck hurts. This might sound really geeky, but I am really excited about the new Harry Potter movie. My daughter really likes the Harry Potter books and I guess her enthusiasim is catching. The books really are very good, so if you haven't read them yet, you should. But I think it's easy to get excited about the movies because they've done a pretty good job with them. They've stayed pretty true to the books. Right now, my daughter is simultaneously listening the three HP books: She's listening to Sorcerer's Stone on tape when we get ready in the morning, listening to Prisoner of Azkaban on tape in the car when I drive her to school, and listening to Order of the Phoenix at bedtime when I read to her. We've definitely got the HP action going on up in here. And I think that's about it. Yup, that's it.

Attack of the Cicadas.

I'm starting to get a little bit nervous about the upcoming cicada invasion. We're in a major cicada hotspot and I know, I just know, when those buggers start coming up out of the ground I am going to have some sort of apoplectic fit. It's going to be like a horror movie. Those bugs everywhere, swarming and dense. I'm not going to be able to leave my house until it's all over. I'm afraid, I'm really afraid. It's supposed to start any day, now. I'm going to spend this weekend creating a protective barrier and spray the heck out of my house so nothing will cling to it. I usually do this anyway because, just in case you haven't guessed, I HATE bugs. My husband doesn't like it when I do this because, apparently, it mutates the frogs that live around our house. This is true. I found one the year after I really did some serious spraying and it was missing back legs. He was mad at me, but I don't care. The thought of being covered head to toe with insects bothers me more.

congratulations bob!

Good work on the article being published! Really really good story! But anyways. . . pennsylvania is lame!

I'm a SUPERSTAR!

I just found out today that one of my stories is going to be published in The New Yinzer, an online literary magazine. Needless to say, I am quite happy. Now I know you like me; you really, really like me. The magazine is based out of Pittsburgh, which also makes me feel all warm and mushy on the inside since my father is from the Pittsburgh area and I always have a part of me that thinks of Pennsylvania as home. So, yay for me.

I'm on a Mexican radio.

K, the show is tonight and my daughter told me last night she doesn't want to do it. Sigh. Poor kid. Life sure is hard. I told my husband to pick up a couple of roses for her on the way home so we can give them to her when the show is over. Make her feel like a real prima donna. That'll get her hooked. :-)

I've been thinking a lot lately about being thirtysomething and why it almost seems as confusing as being twentysomething. I've always assumed by the time I reached my 30s, I'd have figured out a few things about life. What I have discovered is that the more the know, the less you feel like you understand any of it. You think being an adult will teach you how to come to terms with mistakes you've made or lingering regrets, and it does somewhat, but there's still a little something always niggling away at the inside of your brain. Something that says you're not there yet and this cannot possibly be the life you're supposed to have.

I look at my parents in a completely different way now. I love them and all, but there's nothing mystical about them anymore. The way you always think of your parents as being all-knowing, it's not that way anymore. It makes me a little bit sad because there's a certain sense of security in thinking there is someone out there who can make everything OK for you.

The play's the thing.

So my daughter has her kindergarten play tomorrow night and she's nervous, she tells me. Being a person who LOVES the spotlight, I'm finding I have no useful advice to give her. I tell her to channel her nervous engery into making her performance really *sparkle*. She says, "I don't know what you're talking about, Mom. I'm only six." I'm still not understanding how a child of mine is afraid of the stage. Oh well. She's dressing up as Alice in Wonderland. I just finished her costume last night and she looks good in it. We doctored up one of her stuffed rabbits to be the white rabbit. My daughter is obsessing over the fact that the pocket watch we made isn't hanging exactly the right way off his vest. She wants me to pin it so that the ribbon we're using as the chain will drape across at the proper angle. And I thought I was anal.

They just opened a Cold Stone Creamery in town and I cannot wait to go. I told my husband that's where he needs to take me for Mother's Day. I love Cold Stone Creamery. It's good. Mmmmm, ice cream.

The semester is almost up here, so we'll be on summer schedule pretty soon, which means I'll be working all by my lonesome for the most part. It's not so bad because I can get a lot of work done. But it really sucks when there is no work and I'm just sitting there picking my nose.

80's Music Rules!!!

This post has nothing to do with the title, but you've got to put something down. I've been looking at some of the other blogs on Blogger and I wonder why so many of them are devoted to complaining. I'm a world-class complainer, mind you, but doesn't it just get boring after awhile writing so much about how your life sucks?

Anonymous Sample post #1: AHH!!! how?!?! everyone of you has finished her 2.4 km run!!! mine is tml!!! wat if i fail?!?! i'll die!!! oh, i won't cos if so i dunno die how many times becos of the 5 items loh... heihei... but i still scared scared. i dun wanna deprove from last year's timing... but most probably i will... sigh~ gotta resign to my fate.

Anonymous Sample post #2: I am so sensitive I am like a sponge. I absorb those around me. I absorb other's unhappiness, other's anger, other's pain. And once absorbed I carry it with me. Like I am the keeper of other's shadows.

Anonymous Sample post #3: people should learn to come early. or don't bother coming at all. they should be shot.
i feel like crap.
something is hindering me. i think i'm scared of something. but i don't want to admit what it is. it pains me. it's eating my life away. bit by bit. little by little. nibbling till i'm totally gone.
...i think it's nothingness. or the fear of it. it's starting to suck (like a fucking baby) the life out of me. i need to stick a pacifier in its teething mouth.
and how are we supposed to study econs when its full of fuck anyway?! if the bloody concepts are based on assumptions, then aren't we studying fantasy? i mean, the world is not made up of assumptions yea? if it was, it would be a happier(or fuckier) place. see, assumptions. how now, do you take me seriously? hahahaha. everything is a big fat joke.

See what I mean? In fact, if you think about it, this post is really just an addition to the wide world of complaints, because I'm basically complaining myself. But all that aside, I'm curious about what compells so many people to spill their disappointment out there for the rest of the world to see. Are they hoping that they'll get some sort of assurance that someone else's life is really much worse? Of course someone else's life is worse, that goes without saying.

I especially like the teenage angst blogs I've seen. You really do forget how crappy being a teenager is when you finally get past it. I worry a little bit about when my daughter finally gets there. I hope she'll trust me enough to come to me if she feels like she's really losing her mind. I find myself thinking about the past a lot. Just wondering if I would have done anything differently than I have. I can't really pinpoint one specific thing, but I definitely think I would have tried to be more involved with clubs and what-not in college. I really only did the little sister thing in college. I didn't take good advantage of the opportunities that are available in college. Oh yeah, and did I meantion, 80's music rules!!!

Interview #12

Hi all. Today I'm interviewing one of my brother's friends. His name is Geoff, and according to my brother, he's REALLY crazy. So let's get started with the inquisition.

KC: Just by way of background, can you tell us how you know my brother?

GH: Symbolically, Mike is a smooth lover from around this world bound to drive any woman insane. Spiritually, we were destined to be great friends. Our good energies brought us together through common friends.

KC: So are you saying my brother's lovemaking skills are what attracted you to him?

GH: hahah. No, but his shit talking skills and ripping and rhyming antics did. that guy has a vocabulary and complementary animated move skill set the size of New York.

KC: I see, so you find him a kindred spirit in that you both talk without really saying something? Do I have that correct?

GH: Connection with Mikey C is rarely devoid of talking. That guy LOVES to talk. So that forms the meat and potatoes of our association, however we probably have been friends in past lives at some point. So I think we are connected at many levels, both verbal and nonverbal.

KC: OK, I understand. There's that strange nagging sense at the back of your head when the two of you are together that you're bound in much stronger ways than encompassed by this momentary physical existence?

GH: Quite true. He has purity and good will that are rare among many people my age.

KC: That's an interesting observation. Now, my brother says you are even crazier than he. I have to admit that the concept boggles my mind, so please share with our audience something you've done that outdoes his nuttiness.

GH: Very difficult to say. See, crazy people who are mutual friends probably have the tendency to illustrate the other as being the more crazy. I think that we probably form the most insanity when we are hanging out together. For example, we have gone stark raving mad atop a mountain in Skyline Drive, VA where at one point we were making people hiking the Appalachian Trail stop in their tracks and take a warm shot of bourbon. We enjoy becoming part of, or acting like, the local flora and fauna of any environment we are in. So that day, it was remarked by visitors that we looked like a bunch of drunk lizards lying out on the rocks overlooking the valley. We were, indeed, drunk lizards.

KC: Just lying drunk on a rock isn't exactly crazy, so there's a part of this story you're not sharing, so spill the beans. This is not an interview for the weak-hearted.

GH: will other members of Mike's immediate family see the data?

KC: Probably just my sister. My parents don't know about this blog. Even if they did, I don't think they'd be interested enough to read it. So everything's safe.

GH: We were hallucinating on Mushrooms, and nearly fell off a cliff because we could not keep our balance amid undulating peaks, hillsides, and valleys. How we managed to have intelligible conversations with other humans is beyond me.

KC: Who says it was intelligible? Do you have imperical evidence that proves the two of you were making any sense to anyone but yourselves? And I find the full unabridged story much more interesting.

GH: People appeared to respond to our diction in a normal fashion. their auras indicated that all was well, although one of our friends was drooling and giggling a little too much.

KC: OK, now I'm really laughing hard. Yeah, I think I can picture it. I have a question about the mushrooms. One of my past students loved to write short stories about his "shrooming" and the way he described the mushrooms sounded like they were the mushrooms the Smurfs lived in. Is that what they actually look like?

GH: not at all. they resemble that when they are actually growing (although there are all kinds of strains of psylocybin). but when you consume them, they are dehydrated. they look like a bunch of dried up scraps of vegetables.

KC: I've always been interested in how you buy them. Do you get them from your friendly neighborhood dealer?

GH: only trusted friends, or well-meaning hippies at music festivals. or culture and grow them yourself. Shrooms are not widely known to be part of the drug trade that criminal rings are involved in. They are very intense nonetheless, and must be consumed with great care and responsibility.

KC: So you're saying never do it by yourself? Do you have a designated straight guy?

GH: Doing them by one's self or with others is up to the user's discretion. I'd say they are much more fun in the presence of trusted friends, that are also participating. Environment is key. You must be in a situation of safety, and not surrounded by anyone with bad energy.

KC: Or hanging out on a cliff with a 90 degree vertical drop?

GH: That was, in retrospect, an unwise location because we were drinking whiskey, which made us too dizzy. But I gotta tell ya, the energy there was GREAT!!! Skyline Drive is a beautiful area.

KC: Yeah it is. I used to go there quite frequently when I still lived in Virginia. Now, I'd like to know about the auras you saw around the hapless hikers who encountered you on the mountaintop. How did you know they had good auras? What's a good aura and what's a bad aura?

GH: I'm not very good at reading auras, however shrooms drastically intensifies one's sensitivity to people's energies. For example, I was at home shrooming with friends a long time ago, and a bunch of belligerent drunk guys came through the door...they had very bad energy that caused me to interpret their faces as having varicose veins crawling around them. not a pretty sight. however, people who have love and joy and humor take on hues of a different nature. I've observed a woman's figure from afar at a music festival once, and was simply flattened by the incredible beauty of a female figure....flattened in a way far more intense than my normal appreciation for women's figures, which is quite high to begin with.

KC: So what's the scariest thing you've seen while under the influence of mushrooms?

GH: The naked truth behind some of my deepest and darkest fears, guilt, and shame and, if you are not experienced, you can be subject to a great loss of control of your own thoughts that can be very frightening and must be adequately dealt with in advance

KC: Give me a specific example. What was one of those naked truths for you?

GH: I came to terms with a relationship in which I was denying to myself how I really felt about things, and what I really wanted to do about it. Taken with caution, and validated separately through very sober and deliberate thought, shrooms can facilitate introspection and act as a "cut the bullshit, I'm your truth serum as to how you really feel about something."

KC: Do you find engaging in that level of introspection allows you to learn how to do it without the mushrooms eventually?

GH: Reliance on any drug is a pitfall and mistake. Occasional use for fun and introspection is beneficial, in my opinion. One should routinely develop the skills to be a deep thinker without the aid of anything but themselves and connection to the Divine

KC: OK, I'd like to shift gears here a little bit. What do guys REALLY talk about when they hang out?

GH: It really depends on the group of guys. I know groups of guys who want to talk about "banging chicks, and their brand new BMW", then I know guys like Mike who want to talk about everything from how they want to contribute to the world to every nuance of a DJ set, to how his hair looks like a Mon Chi Chi when he wakes up in the morning. Take a wild guess as to who I'd rather be with.

KC: What's the norm, though? I mean I'd really like to give guys credit and think the ones who talk about chicks and cars are few and far between.

GH: Between (ages) 13 and 30, I fear the opposite is true, especially in this country. There is a great amount of variation, depending on what culture you are talking about. It also depends on where one is at maturity-wise....you pick your friends based on what your needs and desires are....hopefully we all grow up over the continuum of our lives.

KC: If so many men are compelled to talk about women, what are they saying? Do they primarily talk about their latest conquest? And why are other men interested?

GH: The more immature guys are talking about conquests. The more evolved guys are talking about what it means to be in a relationship with a woman, and how it influences all facets of relationships, including emotions, sex, intellect, and the outside world. Other men are interested just like all humans are interested in each other; we don't want to go through life feeling alone.

KC: When it comes to interpersonal relationships, who do you think is more vulnerable--men or women?

GH: That depends entirely on situational factors in my opinion.

KC: What's your favorite kind of candy?

GH: Reese's Peanut butter cups. Go very well in ice cream. Ben and Jerrys.

KC: What's your take on the current presidential campaign?

GH: I think it is appropriately representative of a country that is deeply divided over what direction our country - a world power - should go in light of important crises that revolve around the resolution of how different countries and cultures are going to get along in a world of shrinking resources and environment. I'd be a happy man if GW was displaced from office. His tenure represents a strong set of opinions and ideals in this country, but fundamentally, we need to realise that they are misguided. The guy tries, but he really has the wrong idea.

KC: What do you think is the right idea?

GH: Every individual, country, and culture in this world needs to evolve beyond "taking care of our own". We need to extend ourselves, even risk ourselves to lead the world down the right path to being a member of the world citizen, not just a citizen of the country you were born in. The U.S. is in a unique position to lead this revolution. People just don't seem to get the fact that we are all connected as one. We fall to the delusion that we are separate.

KC: So has there really been any recent political candidate that impresses you as being able to guide the country in this manner?

GH: difficult to say. I will support Kerry because it is the most realistic candidate to enact a change in a positive direction. you have to start somewhere and young people need to get off their asses and vote?start caring.

KC: I find that interesting just because I don't view Kerry as a positive entity. He seems very willing to insult those who do not agree with his own political ideals and doesn't seem to care that unity isn't built by thumbing your nose at everyone else.

GH: I think that behavior is a product of our current political process, coupled with our media-addicted culture. I'm not saying he's perfect, but his baseline views and goals are better for our country's and world's long-term prospect.

KC: I'm curious to know if you and Mike talk politics.

GH: sometimes, yes.

KC: How do those conversations go?

GH: I'm a lot more familiar with his views on things interpersonal, rather than political. our conversations there are amicable, however I think we are a little different on how we would go about achieving the same goal. he's more conservative than I am.

KC: I see, do you mind if I ask your ethnicity?

GH: Caucasian.

KC: How do you view race relations in this country?

GH: they are evolving, but have a long way to go, and many socio-economic hurdles must be crossed. We're getting there though. I'd like to be positive about it.

KC: Oh, I almost forgot to ask you the most important question I had in mind: What is the size of your shvantz?

GH: you mean my shlong?

KC: Yes, my brother supplied the original term.

GH: about 71/2 inches on a good day.

KC: What do you think about loin-stirring?

GH: what is loin stirring?

KC: You know the loin, the shlong, the third arm. It's a phrase regularly employed in trashy romance novels.

GH: Well, I have a Loin, and to stir it would probably mean masturbation, which all men do. so I say rock on! Break out the Mental Rolodex and mashem'

KC: What percentage of women would you guess masturbate?

GH: not enough. but still probably pretty high. 75%.

KC: How do you come by that figure? Just a shot in the dark?

GH: I took a Psychology of Sex and Gender class in college. That and talking to women that I date I bet its a cultural thing though...lots of variety depending on where you are from. PS I'm running out of time here - have work deadlines. hope you understand.

KC: That's perfectly OK. Thanks for taking the time to talk with us. It's been real.

GH: Right on kathleen. Peace and happiness to you.

KC: Thanks. Bye.

Interview #1 Revisited

OK, we've got Angela, our first interview, back again to lament her sucky love life. She says she hasn't had sex in eight months and really wants to delve into what that means for her.

KC: So, Angela, tell us just how sucky you think your love life is.

AH: I think facts, numbers that is, express the truth in its most painful form--I haven't had sex in eight months. The last boy I kissed was for New Year's and he never wrote back. Granted, he was my ex-boyfriend's college friend who couldn't do anything more because my ex, who was still hung up on me, was dancing in the livingroom. So that's the last anything I got. And a measly hook-up in November. It's all I can think about. I'm revirginated. And now, there's this 21-year-old kid who I can't talk to and it's frustrating. Yes, I know I'm very attractive and fun and some people think I'm bitchy. I basically have the mind-wiring of a 15-year-old boy.

KC: I must point out that, ironically, Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" is playing right now.

AH: Why is that significant?

KC: It's about masturbating.

AH: Oh, I didn't know that. See that just goes to show you the affect Indiana has on me, I only started masturbating since I've been here.

KC: Only just started. Do you have tools?

AH: No, I don't. I'm worried I'll never leave my room. I like lips and I like to kiss, I like looking at another face. I like making someone fall in love me.

KC: I understand all of these things.

AH: And the best guys here, the most attractive ones, they're my good friends and I don't want to jeapordize that.

KC: I still think you just need to concentrate on getting the buddy NCMO hook-up. Just make an agreement with someone.

AH: The problem with my friends is that they are attractive, but I'm very particular about what I'm attracted to.

KC: When you're eyes are closed, the only thing that matters is how big their dick is.

AH: But I get aroused visually.

KC: Then imagine what you want while your eyes are closed and and let your fingers do the walking to get the tactile experience you're looking for. It's not as complicated as you're making it.

AH: Oh, I talked to a mutal friend about this boy and I said I can get a night out of it but my friend said I'm a diehard romantic, so I can do the seducing thing, but maybe I want more than a night or two.

KC: You know this also has a way of backfiring. What if he ends up really, really liking you?

AH: That would be excellent because it satisfies my ego as far as looks. And if he's smart and has eyes he should fall in love with me. I'm an older woman, I have a great resume, I have a cute personality, I dress well. Dude, I'm perfect. I don't understand.

KC: So what's your best trick in bed?

AH: Uh, that I'm there.

KC: That's not exactly what I'm talking about. Surely, you have some trick up your sleeve.

AH: Well, let's put it this way, we've all seen my appetite. I snore, I savor things, I'm loud and obnoxious. I am passionate. And I look really good when I'm aroused. I'm funny, I make them laugh. I have the whole exotic thing going for me. It's Indiana. I don't understand.

KC: Yeah, but can you make them blow a load while you're just looking at them at the coffee bar?

AH: See, I just feel so goofy, but I know that women have this looks, but I feel so goofy. But that's why I can't be smooth like that because when people do that I think you're so stupid because you are. The one strand of hope I have that he is interested is that he called me for coffee last week.

KC: You know, if you try to think about what is going on inside a guy's head too much, you're brain will explode. It's a known scientific fact. It's like trying to figure out where the circle begins and stops. It'll make you're brain explode. Do you consider yourself a modern, confident woman?

AH: Yes, but not with this boy. And Indiana has wrecked my self-esteem. I used to think I was the shit. I knew I was the shit at Harvard and San Francisco. Here I get asked if I live in China or I get asked out by high school drop-out stoners, or Serbian refugees, or middle-aged men with bleeding knuckles.

KC: But really, are you that concerned that people in Indiana can't properly appreciate you?

AH: Yeah, I feel different in the city and I had that one circumstance with the other grad student. It just threw me for a loop. I'm just used to more people pursuing me. I'm just a total mess about this senior who works in a coffee shop. I know my guy friends are really attracted to me. One told me I'd be afraid to date you because if I fell in love with you, you could fall in love with me, but I'd be afraid that you wouldn't love me the next day.

KC: Who said this?

AH: One of my guy friends Joel.

KC: So they purposefully keep themselves away from you emotionally?

AH: Yeah.

KC: Well they're just cowards.

AH: Well yes, and from the whole douchebag incident, these guys don't have any balls. Like you would have thought that if he really liked me and I was so aggressive, he could have me. And he was just had no balls. He made me feel like a predator. And now I worry with this coffee boy that maybe I am a predator.

KC: Why are you putting so much stock into a guy who was a major pussy? It's not worth so much.

AH: I know, but it's always the ones who don't want you that really fuck you up. Especially for me, I can take if you're not attracted to me, but if you are attracted to me you should fall in love with me because I'm hot and I'm smart and fun. I don't get it if I'm you're physical type. So my friends are worried I'm going to be a major slut or go for the first guy who shows interest because I've beed so deprived. And not to tout my own horn, but I think I'm getting better the older looking I get. (Burps.) Doesn't everyone like a drunk slut?

KC: I don't know. I am going to ask any of the guys who happen to read this to please comment in the space provided below.

AH: They need to see a picture of me so they know I'm not one of those girls who just thinks they're pretty. I just can't turn off my libido. I'm just bad at it.

KC: So you do want me to put your picture up?

AH: How would be do that? No, never mind.

KC: Anything else you want to say?

AH: How do I find more people attractive? I think that's my problem. I'm too narrow.

KC: I don't understand why you just can't have sex with someone you find marginally attractive but isn't your perfect type.

AH: I'm just very visual.

KC: I am. I'm going to buy you a blindfold and a motorized dildo with rotating head. Then you'll be able to think clearly.

AH: Why can't more people be creative like me? I don't know. I don't know. I should date older men. Oh, he just e-mailed me. Coffee boy just e-mailed back. He wants to know what's going on this weekend.

KC: Let me interview him.

AH: No!!!!!

KC: Why not? (I try to type out an addendum to Angela's e-mail and she physically restrains me.)

AH: Stop!!!!

KC: Just let me write the e-mail.

AH: No, STOP, STOP!!!! (Angela pushes me away.)

KC: OK, looks like we've got to wrap things up here because I'm freaking Angela out. Perhaps we can pick this up again next week.
(Angela's cellphone rings).

AH: Oh wait, this is the high school stoner boy, put this in the interview. (Angela answers phone) Hello, hello. Battery running low. OK, well that ends that. (Phone rings again.) Hello, hey what's up. Just doing work. I'm at the office but I'm just not working. Yeah, but I'm on campus. So I can't leave. Well, uuuuh. Well if you can get down here we can walk around here, otherwise, I'm here. My phone is dying so if you're coming you have to set up a time. My phone is dying. MY PHONE! I just have to be at a dinner at 5:30, so anytime before then. (Hangs up phone.)

KC: OK, we're officially wrapping in up for the day. Tune in next time when we hope to expose the trashy underside of Angela's weekend. See ya.

Interview #11

Today I'll be interviewing my friend Elena. She's a university spainish and italian instructor and wants to get some stuff off her mind.

KC: What about work has been pissing you off lately?

EL: I have two things that are kind of related but the big things are when people twist info to make themselves look good and when people do not take ownership of past mistakes, comments, etc.

KC: OK, give us the dirt on HOW people are twisiting information to make themselves sound good.

EL: Blind copying (rather obviously by the kind of info included in the message) higher ups on emails with messages like "by the way, did you take care of this urgent thing that we discussed" - which had never been mentioned.

KC: What about academia today motivates this kind of behavior?

EL: This behavior is not unique to academia, but is born of insecurity or envy. If one were to focus on problems unique to academia, one could cite the fact that academia in some ways is struggling to recreate an identity in a world where business models are the only reference for how things should be done. ie, if I want to make changes to the curriculum or pay structure, the number of commitees/people who have to "approve" the change makes it slower than government and often so far from the original proposal that it fails its original goal. There are exceptions to this, of course. I work with two extremely very capable faculty members who are focused on goals, sensitive to the "stakeholders" and effective in their follow-up. It's taken a while to be recognized for this excellence, though.

KC: How, in particular, are these two faculty members excellent?

EL: They solicit meaningful feedback from all involved or affected by a desicion and they focus on the message/intent/experience of those giving the feedback, rather than selectively choosing or "interpreting" the info that may be beneficial to them in moving forth their own agenda (which inevitably results in greater problems down the line).

KC: Is there really an "agenda" for those who create the problems other than their own perceived advancement?

EL: Sure, sometimes they want to ingratiate themselves to others, avoid making waves, avoid extra resposibility on their part, or simply to be contrary. I suppose there is a perceived personal benefit, but it's different from an agenda.

KC: I suppose what I'm asking is are these butt-suckers really interested in improving the academic environment? Do they even understand how their behavior stifles intellectual betterment?

EL: Ah, I see. I think some truly don't have an understanding of the "big picture" with regard to intellectual betterment. They may have neither the expertise, experience nor capability.

Kelly has an agent.

Just a little update on the last interview shown belowóKelly has gotten an agent who is very excited about her manuscript. So keep your eyes out for the book, which I am sure will be in stores realatively soon. You know, once they find a publisher and then go through the entire editing process and design the cover and do all the press on it and take Kelly's picture for the jacket. After all that stuff, expect to see it on bookstore shelves in the very near future.

Things that make you go, hmmmm.

Why do I post more on my brother's blog than he does? Why am I forced to sit here doing nothing, feeling my unused brain matter seep slowly from my ears? Why do American Girl dolls cost soooooooooo much freaking money? Isn't it disgusting to exploit a young girl's budding self-awareness for a buck? And why do I give into the capitalist machine? Why does my daughter now have three of those dolls? I could buy a really nice new diningroom light fixture for that money. Why am I not famous by now? Why don't I have my own talkshow by now? What ever happened to C.C. + Music Factory? Why do old men think it's appropriate to call grown women girls? What happened to the Pulitzer I said I was going to win by the time I was 30 in my high school yearbook? Why are people in Utah the only ones who know what NCMO stands for?

WASSABEEEE

Yeah! thats right my girlfriend is how do you say. . .


AWESOME!!!!!!

Interview #10

I just had a really interesting interview here with Kelly, who is one of the grad students who works with me in the office and I lost it. It's floating around cyberspace out there. I hate computers sometimes, I really do. I started interviewing Kelly to help diffuse some of the tension she's feeling because of a lot of interest she's generating from literary agents. So, we'll just start again.

KC: How do you feel knowing that we've just lost all that material?

KK: Well, it's made me nervous again about agents. A little disappointing, but I'll live through it. Although I'm glad we lost that comment about me grinding up on agents' legs.

KC: Don't you know nothing's ever really lost.

KK: It's floating around on the internet.

KC: Yeah, and right here again, too.

KK: Dammit. Thwarted again. I'm never going to be at a point where I can take responsibility for the things I say, just like Jonathan Franzen.

KC: Funny you should mention him since we talked about Oprah in the lost interview. So, will you turn Oprah down?

KK: Hell no. I think the literary world now, it complains that people don't read good things, but when they do, they complain because they want to be set apart. They're just a bunch of snobs. Hell, no. If Oprah wants me, I'll grind on her leg too. I think Oprah should run for president. I think she's the only black person and the only female who could run right now and possibly win. Because I think there would be a whole new turnout of people who'd vote. Like housewives who don't vote. Oprah and Arnold. What duo.

KC: It could happen. You never know. So, what's the title of your book so people can run out and buy once it hits the shelves?

KK: Born-Again.

KC: Tell us a little about it.

KK: Stock reply: It's a story of an intelligent 13 year-old-girl who is very religious. She's been raised pentecostal revivalist born-again christian. She is assigned to read "The Origin of Species" for an academic camp that awards her a scholarship. She forges the permission slip that lists required readings, convincing herself that it is not a sin to read it as long as she doesn't believe it.

KC: What are the primary themes you're tackling in your book?

KK: The sort of vacuum that evangelical doctrine creates for itself. The perpetuation of ignorance and fear that somehow justifies religion. Fundamentalist religions.

KC: What do you hope readers take away from the book once they've read it?

KK: I think people, I mean the born-agains, people really fear and demonize these people and although I feel they're destroying other cultures, I want people to understand why they do this and how they cultivate their members, and that they're not really bad people. Some are very good people who have been through bad experiences and want to share love. But you have mass herders like Pat Robertson who makes them afraid of death and chaos. The fact, that in Darwin's world, they're insignificant on an individual level, but serve a higher purpose in evolution.

KC: Now, you mentioned wanting to make it as a novelist first so that you have the freedom to write your poetry. Do you ever envision writing poetry exclusively?

KK: No. I think since poetry is really dying in this country. I want to be able to use all sides of my writings. Short stories, I have a book of short stories. I have a book of poetry that's ready to go out. Stories I find I can't write in poetry, I can write in short stories and vice versa. I think they all compliment each other.

KC: What do you attribute this death of poetry to?

KK: Definitely laziness. I think the entire culture. People just want to sit back and not put any effort into anything. They just want to come home, sit back and be entertained. I think there are two components to story, spectacle and narrative. And more and more, I think people only focus on the spectacle. It's all equivalent to pornography.

KC: So do you think there's any hope for the literary arts in America? What needs to happen?

KK: Not under George Bush's idea of education. My mother's friend teaches 8th grade English and this new program has her handing out worksheets where they just do abstract reasoning instead of learning abstract reasoning through reading books. Everything is becoming standardized. We insist on the uniqueness of people, but everything we do is standardized.

KC: Do you think any of this has come about because of complaints of results on standardized tests and whatnot, where minority groups complain they don't have the same educational foundation to succeed, and that this is an attempt to provide that?

KK: I mean standardized testing doesn't make up for socio-economic differences. I went to Bowdoin and I had never even written a paper in high school. I don't think it changes that wealthy people get better education because they can buy it. I think these programs are for people who just want to follow the rules and not think for themselves. I think we should encourage people to think for themselves. I think the most academically stagnant environment would be one were everyone only knows the same stuff and have never learned anything different.

KC: Having gone to two fairly affluent universities, would you prefer now to have attended more widely accessible schools (like state university?

KK: It's yes and no. In smaller institutions, you get more attention. The entire english department at Bowdoin knew me and encouraged me and because these schools accept so many rich students, they have the resources for better education. But I've never known so many silver spoon children. They're not there because they want to learn. They treat it like a social retreat. It's hard to make a real decision on a question to like that. But people who haven't been taught to value education in the first place, they tend to be in those larger universities. So it's definitely a problem and I think always having that balance, the affirmative action, letting kids into colleges that can't contribute to the wealth of the college, but can contribute to the academic are important.

KC: Well, it's just about time to call it a day. Thanks for talking to us. It's been really interesting.

Interview #9

Today I've got a special treat. I'm interviewing my brother's girlfriend Christina. She's a really sweet girl, and I think my brother's a lucky guy since she's willing to be seen with him in public. At any rate, let's get started.

KC: Tell us a little about yourself, Christina.

CB: my name is christina [last name], i'm 25. i'm originally from cleveland, ohio, but moved to dc about 2 years ago.

KC: And which do you prefer, Cleveland or DC?

CB: definitely dc - cleveland is a nice famliy city, but that's not where i am in my life right now

KC: OK, I'm going to cut right to the chase: What do you really think about my brother?

CB: interesting question :-) there are a ton of things i think about your brother. let me try and get into that more - i'll ramble for a bit if you want

KC: That's fine. Rambling is good. Talk as long as you want. It all makes for fascinating reading. :-)

CB: mike is just mike - there's no other way to describe him. there's no one else in the world who is like him. he makes everyone around him happy, including me. he's always trying to make sure people are ok, that they aren't being left out, or that he's taking care of them in some way. he's always giving all he can to his family and friends. i think that's one of the things that i love about him. he's also one of the most random people i have ever met, although he says i should call it eccentric :-) he's says things as they come to his mind, sort of like he doesn't have a filter in there. but that's another thing that makes him special becuase you always know that he'll tell you what he's thinking and not hold back. he's honest and always means what he says. he won't try to sugar coat something to make it how you want to hear it.

KC: Well, you're right, there is no filter. His brain is completely filterless. I'm curious to know, when you first met him, did you know he was half-Asian?

CB: he brings a smile to my face everything i think about him. i see him in all these different moments at once. like seeing him on a friday night and how his face lights up as he walks in the door. or when he's concnetrating on something, like when we cook together, he's all serious and focused. or when he's just out hanging with everyone and relaxed. some of his best faces though are defintely in pictures and those are ones i remeber best - he's always doing something goofy. i love the way he looks at me. i can always tell how much he loves me by the way he looks at me. it's like his eyes are some kind of laser beam that send me all this love :-)

i could tell he was. it was his eyes. i love mike, every bit about him, even the little things that drive me crazy.

KC: That's so sweet, and I'm not usually one to say something like that. I'm actually getting a little choked up reading your answer. Since he's my brother, it's hard for me to see him as others do. So, you two are getting married, right?

CB: i hope so someday, when he asks. we've talked about it a lot. and with him, there is no doubt in my mind that he will, it's just a matter of when. he needed to get back to dc though and get settled, and do some of that stuff. i'm not rushed for it. when it happens it will.

KC: Yeah, I keep pestering him about it. I'm one that really likes to know EVERYTHING. See, I basically think you two are already engaged because he says he's planning on marrying you and you say you're planning on marrying him--that's being engaged, you know. Now I do want to ask you how the two of you have discussed religion, because it's obviously an important part of his life. As far as I can see, it's probably going to be the biggest issue between the two of you. Do you think the two of you will be able to come to a compromise?

CB: that's a good point. there is no doubt in my mind that i want to be with him and i know he feels the same. being engaged though takes everything to a new level. there are still certain things that mike and i don't discuss because we are not engaged or married. like money - i have no idea what he makes, has, debts, etc and he doesn't know that about me. the other we always go back and forth about it church. i'm not catholic and he is, and he's really set in being catholic and i'm set in being protestant. i know it's not a big deal now, but that's something that we would really have to talk seriously about.

KC: Yeah. The religion thing is a big one.

CB: every time we've talked about it, it's gets heated. mike can be stubborn and i will fully admit to being stubborn. we both were raised in the church and have very devout families. religion has always been a big part of my life growing up and him as well. i don't know what we would end up doing to be honest. we would have to reach some level of compromise and make the best of it. for me anyways, it wouldn't be any kind of deal buster with him. i figure it could always be worse, we're both christian.

KC: I want to get back to an earlier comment you made about liking what drives you crazy about Mike. What are those things that drive you crazy?

CB: oh michael and his little eccentricities ;-) sometimes he can drive me crazy, not bad crazy, but just - ahhh! he loves the weekends because he's here in va and we are doing our thing together. and when that happens, he just lets go and he's all over the place :-) i don't know how to describe it very well, but it's like you can't get him to focus on any one thing! but it's funny at the same time. other things he does that drive me crazy, nothing much really - just little things when you are living with someone (we aren't technically, but basically) - like he shuts the door when he leaves my room and i hate having the door shut when i come back to it (i'm always afraid someone is on the other side, silly, i know). stuff like that.

KC: I know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to his scattered activity. I want to ask you a couple of questions about work now, please talk a little bit about what you do.

CB: ok. i work for deloitte and touche and i've been here for almost three years. my official title is senior consulant. i started working at deloitte as an intern in cleveland and then worked there after graduation. i wasn't liking the work up there and asked to transfer to dc becuase i wanted to do a more specific kind of work that was available in dc. they said yes, and sent me down here 2 years ago. in a nutshell, i perform data analytics and statistical analysis on our client's data (client's being who we audit as a firm). it's interesteing work. sometimes it can be frustrating because it's like solving problems and puzzles all day. but i do get to work with our client's driectly and i do like have the person to person interaction.

KC: So did you actually do well in statistics in college? I really, really sucked at it.

CB: yeah, i found out in college that i actually like stats and things of that nature. i got a degree in management information sytems and decision sciences (business statistics).

KC: Yeah, whenever I think of stat, I think of that one Far Side cartoon that says, "Hell's Library," and it's shelves and shelves of books on word problems, which to me is half of what's confusing about stat. I seemed to never be able to translate the written problems and scenarios into mathematic equations that made sense. Do you know what I mean?

CB: i know exactly what you mean :-) that's half of what we do on a day to day basis. try and make sense of these abstract things. it can really make you want to pull your hair out.

KC: Besides the statistics, what other courses did you enjoy in college?

CB: art history was my favorite. i would have been an art history major in a heartbeat, but i knew that i would not be able to get a good job with benefits after graduation. i'm sure someday i'll pursue that more, but as a hobby. it's just not a practical job. i did like my music and all that during college. i didn't really stop playing until after i graduated. i just never found time in my life again. i would like to be able to do that again as well.

KC: I don't know about your music. Were you in a band?

CB: i've played violin for my whole life. my mom started me on it when i was 4, and i played all through college. i actually was even a music education major for a year or so, but realized that as much as i love music, i couldn't do that all day long.music was alwyas a huge part of my life growing up. my parnets had my brother and i were really involved in it. lessons every week, music theory lessons, group lessons, orchestra, piano lessons, chamber music, all of it.

KC: So had you originally hoped to be part of a symphany one day or were you thinking you might teach music?

CB: when i went to college, i actually thoguht i wanted to be a pediatrician. but i didn't like that. so i went to music education because i knew i would never be really good enough to be in a major orchestra, but i didn't like that either. it became a job instead of something fun. hours in a practice room is not my idea of fun. that's how i ended up in busines, kind of an, well, if all else fails, this is something i could try too.

KC: Going back to the art history, what kind of art do you like best?

CB: it changes on what i see i think. sometimes i like impressionism, but i really like post-impressionism a lot. some of the more modern art i like as well. i like going to a museum and just wandering around.

KC: You could volunteer to be a docent at one of the Smithsonian museums.

CB: yeah, i've thought of that. i think that would be really cool to do someday. right now, i just don't have enough time. i volunteer for the junior league and they have a program to be a part of the corchran gallery in dc, but it's a three year committement and classes, etc.

KC: Yeah, lack of time is the eternal problem in life. Speaking of time and life, what are some of the things you absolutely want to do before you die?

CB: wow - there are so many things that i would love to do. some of my dreams are to travel all around the world and see everything i can, all the usual ones people say - african safari or hike to machu picchu. but i also want to try and live in some of those places. but other than traveling, i think i would really have to think about it. dying seems pretty far away right now. i try and do everything i can now and take advantage of opportunities - i figure that way i'll always be working towards doing everything i can before i die. and when i get some time to think about it, hopefully i'll already have done most of the things i wanted to, does that make sense?

KC: Sure. Now tell me what is your biggest pet peeve?

CB: nail filing. i can't stand to hear people filing their nails. it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard. i don't know what some of my other pet peeves are. nothing too big i guess if i can't seem to remember them.

KC: Which characteristic in people do you find most annoying?

CB: when people always try to one up you, like i say i had a bad day, and the other person says, i had a bad day and proceeds to tell you why it was so much worse than yours. that's annoying. i can't think of any others right now, but i'm sure i could come up with some - it would just have to be right when someone was doing something that annoyed me.

KC: When have you been most hurt by a person?

CB: this one isn't something that someone did to me purposefully. but, i was hurt by my family in a way. my dad had a heart attack when i was gone one summer and my mom and brother were there, but i wasn't. and then my dad also had another near-death incident that my mom and brother were there for. i've always felt like i missed big family events, like i missed out. i wasn't there for the expereince and can never fully appreciate what they went through - the trauma, the paramedics, the life flights, rushing to the hospital. it was like a huge family event and i missed it. i can picture it all in my head how it probably happened, but it's not real. now i always have this fear of missing something. like i'm not going to be there when i should be. so it's not that they hurt me on purpose or anything, but that's something that's always hurt. but more that i felt hurt because i wasn't there for them, kind of guilty. i don't know if that makes sense.

KC: No, I understand what you mean. When my mother was diagnosed with her brain tumor and had her subsequent operation, I was away at college and wasn't even told she was going to have surgery until a week before hand. I was the only one not home while they were going through the ordeal of her testing and hospitilizations and whatnot. So you only end up understanding it in a peripheral way because you didn't eat, breathe and sleep it 24 hours a day like everyone else. But, what really hurt about that particular situation was that they didn't keep me informed. Everyone else knew about all of this and no one bothered to tell me. That was difficult to deal with. Unfortunately, I see that it is getting close to quitting time for me, so I will bring this to an end. I want to thank you for sharing your time with us today, and I hope you'll join us again one day.