I'm stupid and fat, but Merry Christmas

I made the big mistake of not only stepping on a scale last night, but also actually looking at it. Now I'm completely grossed out with myself. Well, all I can do is get back on track with exercise and diet. I know part of the reason for the weight gain is that I haven't been able to exercise at my normal level because of the knee injury, but I've also been eating a lot of junk lately. Anyway, things are getting back to normal because I'm pretty much disgusted at this moment. On a happier note, this is my last day at work until after New Year's, so here's to wishing all of you the best of the holiday season.

Hate me if you want to

OK, it's completely crude and vulgar, but it's also hilarious. I mean, really hilarious. So, watch it now.

So you think you are cool

My sister thinks she is super cool and sneeky. In reality she isn't she posted something to my blog wondering how long it would take for me to find it. I find it immediately! I have ways of knowing what you are doing! I can shoot bullets with my mind! that called telekenisis! I'm everywhere yet no where! On another note taking the dog to get her butt milked again today so that will be fun. I'll be sure to bring some tupperware to put the juice in for my sister so she can examine it with her daughter's microscope or something.

Hiya! rock and roll a one time!

Christmas so far

I'm really behind in a lot of things. I've only just sent my sister's presents out and I got my cards in the mail yesterday. I used to be so organized. I'd have the cards addressed and ready to go by Dec. 1. Every year, I'm a little less prepared than the year before. What's that about. I'm still working on the paint job in my daughter's room that I started Thanksgiving weekend. I just cannot get my shit together very well. We tried to get a new water heater, but when the guy came yesterday to install the one we'd gotten from Lowe's, he found out it was too tall for the venting system and that, in fact, the way our venting pipe was angled downward poses a carbon monoxide poisoning hazard. We've had the current water heater for about five years, so I was mad that the people who installed that one never bothered to mention the venting problem. Jackasses obviously didn't care if my family never woke up. Anyway, our basement is pretty drafty and it has been five years and we haven't had a problem, but now we have to order a different heater and that meant cancelling the order from Lowe's because they didn't have what we needed or wanted. I originally ordered a fifty-gallon heater with a self-cleaning feature and Lowe's didn't have one that was short enough to put the vent pipe at a safer angle, but the guy tried to sell me a forty-gallon without a self-cleaning feature, which is basically what we have right now. I asked him why I would spend money on something that's not at all what I want. Anyway, that's just one little snipet of Christmas so far.

Good Stuff

I got this e-mail from my dad. It's supposedly written by Ben Stein. I don't know if it is or isn't, but I think it's worth reading, regardless.

Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my beating heart:

I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is, either, and I do not care at all about Tom Cruise's wife.

Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are. Is this what it means to be no longer young. It's not so bad.

Next confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

What a tangled web we weave...

While my daughter and I were brushing our teeth this morning, she asked me, "Mom, you want to play with my DS today, right?"

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe, why?" (I've never played with my daughter's Nintendo DS until very recently because she received a game that has solitaire on it and I've been playing that.)

"Well, if I can't play with my DS, that's means you can't play with my DS, and you want to play with my DS, right?" she asked again.

"I don't know." I replied. I was a little confused about this line of conversation because I had no idea where it was going.

"Just remember," she said, "if dad asks if I wore my retainer last night, tell him I did."